Growing in Grace

The Eye is a Lamp

2012-01-27T13:44:00.000-08:00

This past week my spirit has been quite unsettled. I began the week embraced in the warmth of the Savior's love and affirmation. Then I found myself ensconced in my convictions on a mountain of pride looking down at a world who just didn't meet my standards. And the last day or so I've been stuck in the muck of negativity, only seeing the dark side of things and people. Sigh. . . why the change?

I've been reading Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts. Yesterday I shared a quote from the book on Facebook - "The eyes are bad - my perspective. "Your eye is a lamp that provides light for your body', Jesus said. 'When your eye is bad, your whole body is filled with darkness. And if the light you think you have is actually darkness, how deep that darkness is!' (Matthew 6:22-23). If Satan can keep my eyes from the Word, my eyesight is too poor to read light - to fill with light. Bad eyes fill with darkness so heavy the soul aches because empty is never truly empty; empty is only a full, deepening darkness. Without God's Word as a lens, the world warps."

The trouble has been where my eyes have been focused. I began the week with eyes firmly planted on the Word of God - basking in His promises, counting His blessings, and focused on His hope. Gradually, I allowed the enemy to divert my eyes from truth and to see things from a worldly perspective. I have doubted by calling, coveted the things I do not have, lacked contentment in my circumstances and been discouraged that old sinful patterns have resurfaced.

At the kids' Friday school Chapel, the young man who does worship was talking to the kids about Samuel and hearing the voice of God. It made me think of my week and how my perspective was affected not only because of what I was focusing on with my eyes, but also because I was not hearing God's voice. I was listening to the enemy's whispers instead of the truth of God's Word.

After taking the kids to their classes, I drove away with the song "The Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns playing. The enemy tries to fill our minds with negative thoughts: reminding us of all the times we've failed, telling us our circumstances aren't fair, that we deserve more, that we aren't doing enough and don't measure up. But God's voice is filled with truth. He tells us not to be afraid, that trials are for a purpose - our good and His glory - and that in light of eternity they are only temporary. I needed the reminder to listen to that truthful voice.

As a sinner who has been redeemed - sins forgiven, washed clean by the sacrifice of both Father and Son; knowing that "God is good and I am loved" (Ann Voskamp) - how can I ever display an attitude of superiority over others who share equally in this inheritance; that what I have is not enough, that I am entitled to more; or that the trials I am in the midst of aren't fair?

The answer of course is I shouldn't. And as I've sough to get my eyes back on the truth, my perspective is beginning to return to the light and I am once again on the path of joy. And as I've been thinking this month about the new year and the things I want to grow in and accomplish, I have come to the conclusion that the theme of this year for me is JOY. Not temporary joy found only in the things of the world, but true, everlasting joy that comes from living in Christ. Many thoughts on this are tumbling around in my head; thoughts for another time. But in the meantime, I am recommitted to keeping my eyes on the light and hearing the voice of truth.

Receiving Yourself in the Fires of Sorrow

2012-01-08T22:20:00.000-08:00

. . what shall I say? "Father, save Me from this hour? But for this purpose I came to this hour. Father, glorify Your name." John 12:27-28

As a saint of God, my attitude toward sorrow and difficulty should not be to ask that they be prevented, but to ask that God protect me so that I may remain what He created me to be, in spite of all my fires of sorrow. Our Lord received Himself, accepting His position and realizing His purpose, in the midst of the fire of sorrow. He was saved not from the hour, but out of the hour.

We say that there ought to be no sorrow, but there is sorrow, and we have to accept and receive ourselves in its fires. If we try to evade sorrow, refusing to deal with it, we are foolish. Sorrow is one of the biggest facts in life, and there is no use in saying it should not be. Sin, sorrow, and suffering are, and it is not for us to say that God has made a mistake in allowing them.

Sorrow removes a great deal of a person's shallowness, but it does not always make that person better. Suffering either gives me to myself or it destroys me. You cannot find or receive yourself through success, because you lose your head over pride. And you cannot receive yourself through the monotony of your daily life, because you give in to complaining. The only way to find yourself is in the fires of sorrow. Why it should be this way is immaterial. The fact is that it is true in the Scriptures and in human experience. You can always recognize who has been through the fires of sorrow and received himself, and you know that you can go to him in your moment of trouble and find that he has plenty of time for you. But if a person has not been through the fires of sorrow, he is apt to be contemptuous, having no respect or time for you, only turning you away. If you will receive yourself in the fires of sorrow, God will make you nourishment for other people.

Oswald Chamber
My Utmost for His Highest

Everything we read about trials in the Bible tell us that they are not to be unexpected and that they are intended to help us grow in our faith (James 1:1-18; 1 Peter 4:12-19; 2 Thessalonians 1:4). But they can only work in us if we accept them and seek to grow through our deliverance in them. The alternative is to become bitter and turn from God. If we view ALL things as coming to us through the filter of God, then we can have confidence that it is in fact for our good and His glory (Romans 8:28).

I love the last paragraph of this devotion. It is a great reminder that as we learn and grow through our trials, we are then equipped to help others along the way through theirs. May we not be contemptuous toward those in need, but nourishment to them!

Grace and Truth

2012-01-06T22:38:00.000-08:00

Chapter two of the Gospel of John tells of Jesus’ first public signs revealing Him as the Son of God. The first was at a wedding in Cana. The wine had run out and Mary, Jesus’ mother, asked Him to intervene.

This event was important even though it was only known by a few. Jesus revealed his authority by setting himself apart from His mother. He was not just an earthly son, He was the Son of God.

Warren Weirsbe points out that Mary didn’t place the focus on herself, but Jesus. She trusted Jesus to do what was right. What a wise example for us to follow as well! Because Jesus revealed his glory in this way, it gave the disciples a stronger foundation of faith. It is not that they simply believed in the sign that Jesus performed. Weirsbe writes that a sign is “something that points beyond itself to something greater. It was not enough for people to believe in Jesus’ works; they had to believe in Him and in the Father who sent Him.” The Harvest study writes, “the disciples had placed their faith in Jesus before this event, but now they were ready to follow Him anywhere.” May I be willing to do the same!

In his New Testament commentary, Warren Weirsbe compared the wine running out to the world’s joy. He writes, “the world’s joy always runs out and cannot be regained, but the joy He gives is ever new and ever satisfying. The world offers the best at first, and then, once you are “hooked”, things start to get worse. But Jesus continues to offer that which is best until we one day enjoy the finest blessings in the eternal kingdom.”

So often we look to money, material possessions, entertainment, experiences, relationships or personal status to fulfill us. These things are all of the world and only temporary when compared to eternity. It is only the things that God provides that are everlasting.

Following the wedding at Cana, Jesus traveled to Jerusalem to celebrate the Passover. Upon arriving at the temple he found men selling animals and exchanging money. While animals were needed for sacrifices, it was difficult for families who were traveling far to bring the animals with them. Weirsbe points out that this practice of selling animals was intended to be a convenience for the traveling families. The problem was that it didn’t remain a ministry, but grew into a business. Jesus was angry at what was being done in His Father’s house. He revealed His zeal for God by acting as judge and purifying the temple of the sin of greed.

Our worship is not to be simply a routine, impersonal act each week. God desires us to give willingly and cheerfully. John 4:24 tells us to worship “in spirit and in truth”. Weirsbe adds that “John’s purpose in writing this Gospel (was to show that) the legal system had ended and grace and truth have come through Jesus Christ. He is the new sacrifice and the new temple. New worship depends on inward integrity and not outward geography.”

That that statement should hit us deep. Attending church each week is important because it is a specific time set aside to worship the Lord and hear the teaching of the Word. But, we can (and should) worship the Lord daily. By acknowledging His provision and work in our lives and living in such a way that brings Him glory and not ourselves, we worship Him.

Jesus performed miracles to draw people to Himself and to help them believe in Him. His desire was that all would come to repentance and follow Him. But, it wasn’t the miracle itself that would do this. Weirsbe writes, “Jesus always tied His miracles to the truth of His message.” He adds, “Seeing is believing is not the Christian approach. First we believe and then we see. Miracles lead us to the Word - the Word generates saving faith.”

The Harvest study points out that “the emphasis in John’s gospel in on Jesus’ message rather than on His miracles. Believing in a miracle or sign does not necessarily mean belief in Jesus. He knew what was in the heart of every man. The Lord looks into our hearts to see if we really do believe in Him! He doesn’t trust outward appearances and is not fooled by insincere professions of faith. He has a penetrating understanding of who we are and where we stand in Him.”

These are important things to grasp. We may go through the motions - attend church weekly, tithe, say we’ll pray for others - but it’s not those things that reflect true faith. God knows are hearts. He knows if we have truly surrendered ourselves to Him and are committed to following Him. We can’t be like those who made excuses as to why they couldn’t follow Jesus right then. (Luke 9:57-62; 18:18-30) They allowed earthly wealth, relationships and time to supersede a personal walk with the Savior

The study ended with the question: Is there anything in you that is standing between you and the Lord? We were directed to look at 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 and to reflect on how we can keep our “temple clean”. When we allow ourselves to be truly transparent before the Lord, things will be revealed that we may not have realized are in us, or we may have buried deep because we are ashamed to admit. But thankfully, when “we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins.” (1 John 1:9) We need not fear condemnation.

The theme of this lesson for me was grace and truth. In grace, Jesus fed the hungry, restored the sick and raised the dead. In truth He taught the Word which is what brings us to true, saving faith in Him. In my own personal application I am reminded that as a follower of Christ I am to live and speak the truth; but I need to do so with grace (love and compassion). May I grow in the area of grace!

The Teaching of Adversity

2012-01-06T13:36:00.000-08:00

"In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."
John 16:33

The typical view of the Christian life is that it means being delivered from all adversity. But it actually means being delivered in adversity, which is something very different. "He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. No evil shall befall you, nor shall any plague come near your dwelling. . . " (Psalm 91:1, 10) - the place where you are at one with God.

If you are a child of God, you will certainly encounter adversities, but Jesus says you should not be surprised when they come. "In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." He is saying, "There is nothing for you to fear." The same people who refused to talk about their adversities before they were saved often complain and worry after being born again because they have the wrong idea of what it means to live the life of a saint.

God does not give us overcoming life - He gives us life as we overcome. The strain of life is what builds our strength. If there is no strain, there will be no strength. Are you asking God to give you life, liberty, and joy? He cannot, unless you are willing to accept the strain. And once you face the strain, you will immediately get the strength. Overcome your own timidity and take the first step. Then God will give you nourishment - "To him who overcomes I will give to eat from the tree of life. . . " (Revelation 2:7). If you completely give of yourself physically, you become exhausted. But when you give of yourself spiritually, you get more strength. God never gives us strength for tomorrow, or for the next hour, but only for the strain of the moment. Our temptation is to face adversities from the standpoint of our own common sense. But a saint can "be of good cheer" even when seemingly defeated by adversities, because victory is absurdly impossible to everyone, except God.

-Oswald Chambers
My Utmost For His Highest

Life has been relatively easy-going for us for many years. Dennis said near the beginning of his cancer diagnosis that he thought God must not have thought we could handle very much because we hadn't had to face very many challenges. But this past year and a half, we have certainly faced strain through the adversity of cancer in our lives. But through this strain, we have been strengthened. We have discovered new life as we have overcome the obstacles set before us. And seen God's faithfulness in providing the strength we needed for each moment. Christians need not fear trials. It is through these difficult times that we will grow in our faith like never before if we completely trust God to carry us through. The final result is strength we never thought we'd acquire and joy - true joy. Thankful for our God who has overcome the world!

Christmas Update

2011-12-23T19:31:00.000-08:00

As we look back on 2011, we are reminded of the many ways the Lord has blessed us this year. January began with Dennis recovering from the radiation/chemotherapy treatment he had done through the months of November and December. We were overjoyed when the results of his ultrasound showed that his tumor had not simply shrunk, but was gone!

During the month of February and the beginning of March, Dennis completed six weeks of chemotherapy. This was much less intense as it only involved two trips to UCI every-other-week instead of the five a week we previously did. Dennis tolerated the chemotherapy quite well; another of God‘s gifts. He experienced numbness in his fingers and toes, loss of appetite and fatigue; but his nausea was relieved with medication and he lost very little of his hair. We were able to enjoy a day at Legoland as a family several days before Dennis’ surgery in April.

The surgery went well and biopsies revealed no cancer! We once again were so thankful for the Lord’s intervention. Dennis’ surgeons decided that an ostomy was needed to allow the surgery site to heal. Aside from the initial disappointment, the ostomy caused many trials for Dennis. He suffered from severe skin breakdown around the ostomy site as well as many inconveniences. It was a long six weeks until it could be reversed.

Near the end of May Dennis was finally able to have the ostomy reversed. Again, the surgery went well and aside from pain, Dennis seemed to be recovering well and was released from the hospital. Two days later, however, we found ourselves in the emergency room of UCI. Dennis had a blockage which caused him to be in the hospital for nine days with an NG tube for seven of those days. This event really sapped him of his strength and it was a great relief when he could finally return home to begin recovering.

His final chemotherapy began the end of June and lasted through the beginning of August. It was the same schedule as before. It was a bit harder on him this time, but on his off weeks, Dennis felt good and we usually enjoyed a meal or two out to celebrate his appetite returning again.

Dennis returned to work the end of August and is doing well overall. He is still dealing with the side affects of chemotherapy on his feet; he experiences numbness and/or pain in his toes on and off. His system is still recovering from surgery and it may take up to a year for everything to be fully healed and working normally again. Although he is pretty fatigued by week’s end, his strength is returning gradually. Dennis has follow up appointments with all three of his doctors; which has meant once a month we get a family day as he has to take the day off of school to make the trip to UCI. So far his blood work has revealed he remains cancer free!

As for the rest of the family, Eliana finished out her 2nd grade year in Christian school in June. Joshua and Carolyn celebrated at his kindergarten graduation for having been a home schooling duo. Their year together went well and after much prayer and discussion, we felt the Lord leading us to home school both kids for this school year. Eliana has adjusted to being home and is managing to tackle her 3rd grade curriculum well. Joshua is sailing through 1st grade. The three of them have fallen into a good routine and feel that they are well-suited for the home schooling lifestyle. Both kids are very content to be at home with mom and neither desire to return to the school setting at this time. They are really enjoying the flexibility and opportunities provided by this type of school setting.

Dennis’ cancer treatment already seems so far in the past, and it was surprising to realize that we spent most of this year working through it all. But in spite of the difficulties we feel we have been blessed beyond what we could have ever asked or imagined. God was faithful to provide for all of our needs in many ways. We were blessed by the incredible support of family, friends, the community of Arrowhead Christian Academy, and even fellow brothers and sisters in the Lord we have never met. The prayers, notes of encouragement, meals, assistance around the house and financial gifts were so appreciated - we can never fully express our gratitude.

It has been a difficult journey, but one that has had a lasting impact on us. We have experienced the Lord’s refining of our faith, lived out our marriage vows, and grown closer as a family. We now have a very strong eternal perspective and find ourselves living less for this world and the things in it. We are rejoicing this Christmas for the gift of life; grateful that God chose to heal Dennis of his cancer, but most importantly for the gift of Jesus, our Lord and Savior. May you also experience God’s hope and joy in the new year through the precious sacrifice of Christ.

With Gratitude and Joy,
The Henrys

Follow Me

2011-10-22T22:05:00.000-07:00

I had the opportunity to attend our church’s women’s conference today. It was a really nice time to be away from the responsibility of home, to sit at the feet of the Lord in worship, hear the Word of God and visit with my very good friend at lunch. The theme of the conference was “Follow Me” based on the Scripture Luke 9:23 which reads, “Then he said to them all: If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.”

Sandy MacIntosh was the first speaker. She talked about the three parts to this verse. First, is the denial of self. She pointed out that it is a choice. The verse says “IF anyone would come after me”. We must choose to give up our way for His will in our life.

Her second point was that we are to take up our cross daily. The verb is in the continual form. It is not a once and for all action. She shared a story from A.W. Tozer. He had said that in every heart there is a throne and a cross. We remain on the throne until we put ourselves on the cross. Paul aid that he could boast in nothing but the cross of Christ. This is to be our motto as well. We are to resign all of our rights to ourselves, our time, our talents, and our plans and surrender them all to the Lord.

In his New Testament Commentary, Warren Wiersbe explains that the “cross was a symbol of shame, guilt, suffering and rejection. There could be no more despicable way to die. Crucifixion was not mentioned in polite conversation. Jesus laid down the stern requirements for discipleship. We must first say no to ourselves - not simply to pleasures or possessions, but to self - and then take up our cross to follow Christ daily. This means to be identified with Him in surrender, suffering and sacrifice.” We are to yield ourselves to God and let Him do the rest.

Finally, Sandy spoke about the third part which says, “follow me”. Her point was that when we follow Jesus, we are transformed and begin to look, sound and talk like Him - the One we are following.

June Hesterly was our second speaker. She had some wonderful insights to add to this verse. June pointed out that there are two invitations in verse 23. The first is an invitation for salvation - the forgiveness of sins and the promise of eternity with God. While many people will accept this invitation and call themselves Christians, some of those people will not accept the second invite.

The second invitation is to follow Jesus and be His disciple. Warren Wiersbe writes that “a disciple is more than a student who learns lessons by means of lectures and books. He is one who learns by living and working with his teacher in a daily ‘hands on’ experience. Too many Christians are content to be listeners who gain a lot of knowledge but who have never put that knowledge into practice.” They are hearers of the Word, but not doers (James 1:22).

She mentioned that there are four parts to following Christ. To begin with, God has called each of us individually, knowing our hearts. In my study of John this week it was brought up that God prepares our hearts ahead of time to receive His message of salvation so we will be ready to accept the offer to follow Him. Next, Sandy said that when we choose to follow Christ, He asks us to live for eternal things, not temporal ones; storing up treasures in heaven. Also, we are to be transformed and renewed by our walk with the Lord. Finally, we are told to expect trials and tribulations.

To do this we must have faith. Faith means we don’t know all the facts about where we’re going, but we go anyway. Much like Ruth who agreed to follow her mother-in-law, Naomi. She gave up all she knew and who she was to take on Naomi’s way of life, place of residence and even her God.

The result of following Christ is we become more like Him. We begin to be filled with “Son-ripened fruit”. And as a result, we will draw others to Christ with the sweet fragrance of our life.

She ended by stating that in this world we will all follow someone or something. We have to decide if we will follow the temporary things of the world or the eternal Christ.

After lunch, Sarah MacIntosh, Sandy’s daughter-in-law, shared her testimony and songs all related to trusting the Lord in the midst of great trials. Her songs focused on God’s faithfulness and who we are in Him.

This was a very timely theme for me. I have recently realized that I have been judging my walk with the Lord based on everything but Him. The only way I can truly follow Jesus and be more like Him is to keep my eyes fixed on Him, and Him alone. My greatest desire is truly to follow Him with my whole heart, to reflect His glory and for others to see Him in me. Wiersbe adds that “discipleship is a daily discipline: we follow Jesus a step at a time, a day at a time. One of the best things about life is that we can take it a day at a time (Deuteronomy 33:25).” Thankfully, the Lord is patient with me and His mercies are new every morning. So when I, like Paul, do the things I don’t want to do and don’t do the things I want to do, God forgives me and I am restored once again by His grace. I am thankful for another day to follow Him!

The Lamb of God

2011-10-20T21:07:00.000-07:00

“The next day John saw Jesus coming toward him and said, ‘Look, The Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!” John 1:29

John was born for the soul purpose of preparing the way for the Lord Jesus Christ. When he was pressed about who he was, he did not give a direct answer. He only told who he was not. Warren Wiersbe points out that “John had nothing to say about himself because he was sent to talk about Jesus. Jesus is the Word; John was but a voice.”

Like John, we are chosen by God and God is writing our life story even now. Ephesians 2:8-10 says that “we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works which God prepared in advance for us to do.” We can ask the Lord to help us fulfill our calling.

Once Jesus came on the scene, John began to acknowledge Jesus’ ministry. In verse 29 of chapter 1, John says, “Look, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!”. The Bible speaks of Jesus Christ as the “Lamb slain from the foundation of the world” (Revelation 13:8). Genesis 22:6-8 reminds us that God himself provided the lamb for the offering. Isaiah 53:4-7 reveals that like a lamb, Jesus was led to the slaughter. Hebrews 9:11-14 states that Christ “entered the most holy place once for all by his own blood.”

The sacrificial lambs offered by man to God could not take away our sin completely, but the Lamb of God took away the sin of the entire world. Has Jesus become your Lamb? Have you turned to Him to take away the guilt of your sin?

Jesus came to John for baptism in order to “fulfill all righteousness” (Matthew 3:13-17). When Jesus was baptized, the Holy Spirit descended upon Him to reveal His divine anointing. While John’s baptism had been by water for repentance, Jesus’ baptism with the Holy Spirit was for entrance into the family of God. Jesus stepped out of John the Baptist’s shadow to begin His own public ministry.

The rest of the chapter talks about the first disciples being called. Jesus invites us to follow Him, but it is our choice whether to do so. Warren Wiersbe pointed out that Jesus reveals the true heart of Nathanael. This is something that should take place whenever we study the Word of God either in personal study or at our churches. The more we know Christ, the more we will see God.

It is interesting to note that after Andrew and John became followers, they each brought their brothers to Jesus, and Phillip brought Nathanael. “It is a reminder to us that God uses people to win people to Christ!” What about you? Are you willing to be a “voice” to declare who He is?

Vocal - willing to speak out
Obedient - to go whenever and wherever He leads
Instructing - with Truth over your own opinions
Concerned - for the salvation of others
Encouraging - those who listen to follow Christ
(Taken from Live and Believe Harvest Study; Janis J. Vance)

Jesus is my redeemer. I was invited to follow Him and chose to do so. I am now to point at Christ’s work in my life and to draw others to Him. Because I have put my hope in Him, I have a future hope of eternity with the Lamb of God. To others, I say, “Come and see!”

Thank you, Lord, for being my Lamb and taking away my sin. Help me to keep the focus on You and not myself; to be a sincere “voice” to declare who You are to others.

The Christian faith engages the profoundest problems the human mind can entertain and solves them completely and simply by pointing to the Lamb of God. -A.W. Tozer

To See Him Walking on the Sea

2011-09-26T15:46:00.000-07:00

Dennis and I read this devotion the other night in Oswald Chamber's book "My Utmost for His Highest".

God's Purpose or Mine?
He made His disciples get into the boat and go before Him to the other side. . . Mark 6:45

We tend to think that if Jesus Christ compels us to do something and we are obedient to Him, He will lead us to the great success. We should never have the thought that our dreams of success are God's purpose for us. In fact, His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have the idea that God is leading us toward a particular end or desired goal, but He is not. The question of whether or not we arrive at a particular goal is of little importance, and reaching it becomes merely an episode along the way. What we see as only the process of reaching a particular end, God sees as the goal itself.

What is my vision of God's purpose for me? Whatever it may be, His purpose is for me to depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me. God is not working toward a particular finish - His purpose is the process itself. What He desires for me is that I see "Him walking on the sea" (6:49). It is the process, not the outcome, that is glorifying to God.

God's training is for now, not later. His purpose is for this very minute, not for sometime in the future. We have nothing to do with what will follow our obedience, and we are wrong to concern ourselves with it. What people call preparation, God sees as the goal itself.

God's purpose is to enable me to see that He can walk on the storms of my life right now. If we have a further goal in mind, we are not paying enough attention to the present time. However, if we realize that moment-by-moment obedience is the goal, then each moment as it comes is precious.

This devotion spoke exactly what I had been feeling in previous weeks. So often I have identified with Peter and his desire to express his faith in the Lord by stepping out of the boat and walking to Jesus on the water. All is fine while Peter keeps his eyes on the Lord, but when he begins to look at the storm around him, he becomes fearful, begins to sink and then drown in the turmoil. The lesson is clear, we do not need to be anxious, fearful or confused in any situation because Christ is there "walking on the sea" with us. We need to remain obedient in all circumstances; "moment-by-moment" so that when hard times do come, we won't become overwhelmed.

I was anything but "calm, faithful, and unconfused" when dealing with Dennis' job change four years ago, amid our financial struggles these past several years, with different stages of Dennis' cancer treatment, and even just these past weeks with homeschooling, as well as at various times throughout my Christian life when I find myself stepping into the same area of sin again.

Like Peter, it is my greatest desire to follow Christ with my whole heart and to acknowledge Him in all my ways. But too often I take my eyes off of Christ and look at my difficult circumstances, the people around me, or I focus on the fact that my expectations and desires are not being met. The end result is that I become disconnected with the Lord and things begin to fall apart.

Our Pastor shared on Sunday that being a Christian doesn't mean life is going to be easier. In fact, it means it's going to be harder. When we're living only for our selfish desires, it's easy. We're not worried about having integrity, being patient and kind to others, showing respect, working through marriage difficulties or teaching our children to do the same. But when we decide to follow Christ, we then have a standard to follow. God desires us to be obedient in all the daily mundane things in our life so that when the really hard things come, we can still follow Christ.

So as a new storm had been building in my life over the past several weeks, I realized once again that I had stopped being obedient and keeping my focus on Christ Himself. I was looking too far ahead and at others around me and wallowing in the fact that my expectations weren't being met. But once I began to put my focus back where it belonged, I was able to navigate the difficulties with patience, kindness and wisdom. They haven't completely gone away, but by being obedient to God's purpose for me and my home, I am learning to walk in the storm.

So I step out in faith again - seeking to fulfill God's purpose for my life.

The Word Became Flesh

2011-09-26T15:26:00.000-07:00

And the Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen His glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father full of grace and truth. John 1:14

Jesus, was there in the beginning. He who came to earth in the flesh existed before anything else (John 1:1). Christ is eternal God. He not only created life, but He is life. People either love the light or they love the darkness. This love controls their actions. I love the light (Christ) and desire to follow Him in all my ways in all my days.

John was sent as a witness to Christ. The Jewish nation rejected Christ. No one comes to the Father except through Christ. (John 14:6). Anyone who receives Christ will be born again and enter the family of God. Jesus is the source of all life: physical, spiritual and eternal. I desire to reflect the light of Jesus and be a witness of Him and His work in my life to this dark world.

Christ took on human form and identified with us in every way, but yet, He revealed God's glory in His person, works and words. We are blessed with Christ's unfailing love and faithfulness. It is available to all who believe. We are saved by grace, live by grace and depend on God's grace in all we do. We cannot understand God apart from knowing His Son. I will seek to know Christ better to better understand God the Father through the study of the Bible.

We have eternal life, fellowship with the Father and our joy is now complete (1 John 1:1-4). Through Christ, every believer receives absolutely everything we need for fulfillment in life.

God is eternal. All are created by God and God's Word (Christ) is intended for everyone. I am created by God and can rely on Him for daily living. God has always been and will always be. He is dependable; faithful to His promises. Christ is all we need.

"Much as our words reveal to others our hearts and minds, so Jesus Christ is God's Word to reveal His heart and mind to us." -Warren Wiersbe

How I desire to know His heart and mind better!

Remembering

2011-08-30T15:44:00.000-07:00

"We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure, and we thought we would never live through it. In fact, we expected to die. But as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely only on God, who raises the dead. And He did rescue us from mortal danger, and he will rescue us again. We have placed our confidence in Him, and He will continue to rescue us. And you are helping us by praying for us. Then many people will give thanks because God has graciously answered so many prayers for our safety." 2 Corinthians 1:8b-11 (NLT)

"I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to God. Many will see what He has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord." Psalm 40:1-3

This time of year brings a lot of emotions for me. A year ago we were reeling from the news that Dennis had colon cancer. I did not know what our future held. Didn't know if we would be celebrating Dennis' next birthday. Didn't know what condition he would be in if we did. But although I didn't know our future; I know Who held our future and I began to develop a deeper faith and trust in the Lord.

Cancer was the last thing I expected to hear on August 18, 2010. I stood in the hallway with the doctor very surprised. My heart raced as I listened and took in all the information he was giving. I stood there holding my Bible knowing even then, in spite of my fear, that God was with us. I returned to the waiting room wanting to cry, debating if I should call our parents or text my friend for prayer. Instead, I sat there and in the quiet of my heart, I went to the Father.

My conversation with God went something like, I know You are good. I know You don't give us more than we can handle. I know that whatever You call us to, You also equip us for. I don't want to be a single mom with two kids, but I don't want my husband to suffer and I can' t deny him heaven, so if it's Your will to take him, I trust You to meet all our needs. And as I looked at the study I had been working on all summer - "A Life of Worship", my next thought was - people are going to be watching how we handle this. Please help us to glorify You in everything.

The doctor didn't tell Dennis he had cancer. I had to tell him in the car on the way home. He barely remembered our conversation later after the sedation had worn off, so I had to tell him again. I told my parents that day before they left. I offered to call Dennis' mom, but he said he would. He stumbled over the words telling her the news. We sat together for a while. We cried. We prayed. I asked the Lord for a word of encouragement. He gave us a devotion from Oswald Chambers:

"A saint's life is in the hands of God like a bow and arrow in the hands of an archer. God is aiming at something the saint cannot see, but our Lord continues to stretch and strain. Faith is not some weak and pitiful emotion, but is strong and vigorous confidence built on the fact that God is holy love. And even though you cannot see Him right now and cannot understand what He is doing, you know Him. Faith is the supreme effort of your life - throwing yourself with abandon and total confidence upon God. The real meaning of eternal life is a life that can face anything it has to face without wavering." (My Utmost For His Highest)

I wrote the first of many updates to our family. Gradually we shared the news with others.

The beginning was a whirlwind of appointments, procedures, tests, and scans. Then it was time to begin making decisions. None of our early plans came to pass. Dennis didn't continue working. We didn't do treatment at San Antonio Hospital. We didn't do surgery first. God's ways are not our ways, thank goodness! He placed circumstances and people in our path that changed our course. We are glad He did.

Things were broken down into six week increments. It helped to cross the days off and see that we were moving forward. The time in between treatments was a special time for our family to relax and enjoy one another without the burden of medicine. We rejoiced with the news that the tumor didn't just shrink, but was gone by the end of radiation. God was at work and we had proof!

Surgery day came. The thing we had been so anxious for we almost did it first. While the surgery itself went well, the most difficult days were to come. Dennis ended up with an ostomy. A huge disappointment. But we were able to overlook it a bit at first when we got the news that the biopsies were negative for cancer. Dennis was cancer free! The ostomy caused obstacles to recovery and created new difficulties. It meant a second surgery. We were in the valley - in the boat on a stormy sea- in the fiery furnace; pick your analogy. When we took our eyes off the Lord we lost hope and saw only our circumstances. When we fixed our eyes on Jesus," the Author and Perfecter of our faith" (Hebrews 12:2), we were able to "rise up on eagles wings and run and not grow weary" (Isaiah 40:31).

The second surgery came and we thought we were headed to the Promised Land. Then things took another turn and Dennis ended up back in the hospital for nine days - seven of them with an NG tube and nothing but an IV for nourishment. This was the greatest time of despair for us. Aimless days of waiting and wondering and questioning. We still trusted that the Lord was in control, but didn't understand where He was leading us - like wandering in the wilderness.

That journey finally came to an end and we headed home to begin preparations for the final leg of our race. The final treatments were short, but had a big impact on Dennis. Thankfully there were only four of them.

On August 17, 2011, almost one year to the day of his diagnosis, Dennis had his porta cath removed to mark the official end to his cancer treatment. His body is still recovering and healing - will be for the next year - but he has gained a great deal of strength and stamina already.

This next year will be lots of follow-up appointments (almost monthly among the three doctors). In April on the anniversary of surgery, Dennis will have to have another colonoscopy and CT scan. These will continue at varying intervals depending on the findings each time.

Although we used medical intervention, I believe it was the Lord who healed Dennis. I believe that He allowed the treatments to work in Dennis' body to fully heal him. Although the doctors predicted a good outcome due to Dennis good health and age and an early discovery, they were still surprised at just how well he responded to treatment. Can't help but think of the lyrics to Chris Tomlin's song "Our God":

"Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God… "

So we are adjusting to our "new normal" as we call it. Dennis is back at work teaching again this week. The kids and I are home working out homeschooling together. The days are very different than this time last year. But we have so much to be grateful for. And as we prepare to celebrate Dennis' birthday this weekend, I feel like I am the one receiving the best gift - the gift of my best friend still at my side. One of my favorite songs is Jesus Culture's "Your Love Never Fails". The lyrics really sum up this past year:

"Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails

I know I still make mistakes
But You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails

Chorus:
You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning
And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails

Verse 2:
The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails

The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails

Bridge:
You make all things work together for my good

My life verse since I was 17 has been Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

I am grateful I have a personal relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ; that we have a Heavenly Father who cares deeply about the matters great and small in our lives; for the things I have learned this past year and the ways the Lord has helped me to grow; and for the gift of each day here with my husband and children. And it still remains my greatest desire today for God to receive all the glory for the great things He has done.

But I have to add that even if the Lord had seen fit to end this chapter in our lives differently, I would still praise the Lord in the storm. Because in Him there is eternal hope. We don't live for this present world and the things in it, but for the future hope of eternity with Christ. Regardless of the troubles we face here on earth, we have a glorious future ahead of us and that is where our gaze is fixed (2 Corinthians 4:18).

A Grateful Heart

2011-07-30T22:55:00.000-07:00

July 30, 2011

It’s been a while since I shared an update on Dennis. He has had three of his four chemotherapy treatments and is scheduled for his fourth and FINAL one next Wednesday, August 3. The following Tuesday, August 9, he will have his porta-cath removed (this is how they have administered his chemotherapy). "The light at the end of the tunnel" is getting brighter!

Dennis has done okay with treatment. The first one was especially hard on him, he felt pretty bad for 5-6 days following the infusion. The next two were a bit easier. Dennis ended up feeling okay on Thursday and Friday after infusion, but by the weekend he felt pretty crummy. His symptoms included an upset stomach, no appetite, tingling in his fingers and toes, altered taste, and sensitivity to cold both in liquids and touch. It’s very hard to get up and go in the morning of treatment knowing he is going to feel bad for the next 5 days. Although he knows this is the last one, he is still not looking forward to Wednesday morning.

We are also glad to report that Dennis has recovered from his two surgeries. The incision site is fully healed and he is regaining strength in his stomach muscles again. In between treatments he has walked, mowed the lawn and even did the Wii Fit the other day. He is still working on endurance with activities, but feels good otherwise. He will be going back to school August 22 for teacher meetings. The students will begin the following Monday, August 29. After being home for almost a year, it is going to be a big adjustment going back to work, but he is looking forward to returning.

As a family we have been enjoying the time in between treatments to do simple thing together - going to the movies, having a meal out, or finding a local activity to take part in. We’ve also enjoyed movies and games together at home.

As we draw closer to the end of Dennis’ treatment and the one year mark when we found out Dennis had cancer, we cannot be anything but GRATEFUL for the way God has chosen to work in our lives. It has been a very difficult and challenging year, but the things we have experienced and learned will never be forgotten. They have forever changed our relationship with the Lord and one another as well as how we view this life. God in His graciousness has chosen to heal Dennis of cancer. While we did seek the help of doctors and medicine, we know it was the Great Physician who allowed the treatments to work in Dennis’ body. God has proven He is trustworthy and faithful; all of our needs have been met in the past year. We have a renewed sense of where our true joy and contentment comes from - not from the things and experiences of this world, but from enjoying the company of one another and from accepting and resting in the love and promises of God. Our kids have been learning about sacrificing their own personal wants and desires for the benefit of another, having a flexible and patient attitude, and most importantly about trusting in the Lord.

Thank you so much for your support and prayers this past year. We would ask for you to continue to pray for the following:
-Dennis’ last treatment this coming week (Aug. 3-5)
-His porta-cath removal (Aug. 9)
-For the building of strength and endurance
-For a smooth transition back to work (Aug. 22)

With a grateful heart,
Carolyn

Wholeheartedness

2011-07-23T17:04:00.000-07:00

This past week I served at VBS. It was a great week with a wonderful emphasis on the Word of God and its place in our lives. It was easy to get up early and go to church everyday because there was a feeling that what I was doing was important; I was serving the Lord; sharing in His work with my church family; seeing the kids enjoy themselves and many giving their hearts to the Lord. Then the "mountain top" experience is over and I find myself at home with dishes, laundry, and "stuff" to deal with. It's easy to look at these things as dull and non-important. But then I remember that caring for my family and home is just as important -maybe even more important - than serving at VBS. I recalled reading this in my study on "A Life of Worship" and it was a good reminder to do whatever is in front of me at the moment with my whole heart.

We all know there are things in life that have to be done, no matter how dull or unpleasant they might be. Those who can afford it pay others to do these tasks for them. Most of us, though, have to take care of them ourselves. There is no glory in these chores, and so they often become a drudgery. We come to resent having to do "servant's work" and being taken for granted. As we work, we mumble and grumble. What's more, we are tempted to approach these jobs half-heartedly, doing slipshod work, or even avoiding them altogether. It's called giving things a lick and a promise - just a quick dab and the promise to do a better job next time.

But have you realized that, when you pursue something with your whole heart, it does not become a drudgery? When we set our minds to do the task in front of us, when we give a job our full attention, when we do our work to the best of our ability, our efforts are rewarded. Even the most commonplace tasks present us with a way to bring glory to God. So shift your perspective - decide to approach life wholeheartedly. What kinds of things have become a drudgery to you - household chores, your job, your involvement at church, Bible reading, prayer? Don't just give them a lick and a promise. Do them with your whole heart!

When it comes to God, there is no half way. No middle of the road. No sitting on the fence. He wants our all. Take a look at Deuteronomy 10:12,13. What does this verse say God requires of His people? Take a look:

What does the Lord your God require of you, but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in all His ways and to love Him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the commandments of the Lord and His statutes which I command you today for your good?

There is no right way to glorify God, because God asks different things of all of us. Ponder God's plans for you. What gifts has He given you? What opportunities do you have to use them? Ask for the strength to do the thing in front of you wholeheartedly. Give God your best, and He will receive the glory.

-A Life of Worship
Women of Faith

The Habit of Rising to the Occasion

2011-07-18T22:12:00.000-07:00

The devotion has a real deep meaning. I love the reminder that we are rise to WHATEVER occasion God calls us to. Whether we are in a season of abundance or poverty, trial or peace, God desires us to live in such a way that His presence in our lives is obvious. People will know what God means to us by the way we live, the things we say, the attitudes we exhibit.

When I was told by the doctor that he had found a mass that he was pretty sure was cancerous, I returned to the waiting room and sat down and thought, "people are going to be watching how we respond to this." Through our "fiery trial" we have in fact learned who we are in Christ. We have had to throw ourselves at the mercy of our heavenly Father, trusting that He is in control; that He has a plan for us; and that He will get us through. Any time we have tried to rely on our own strength, we have suffered anxiety, fear, impatience, hopelessness and weakness. But when we have allowed the Lord to work in us, we have experienced peace, courage, patience, hope and strength. I have tried to be honest and share all that we are learning not to direct attention to ourselves, but to reveal the Lord and how He works in the lives of His people.

As we are nearing the end of this journey, I hope and pray that we will continue to remain sensitive to the Lord's work in our lives and will have the opportunity to be "broken bread and poured out wine" to nourish others in times of trial.

". . . that you may know what is the hope of His calling. . ." Ephesians 1:18

Remember that you have been saved so that the life of Jesus may be manifested in your body (see 2 Corinthians 4:10). Direct the total energy of your powers so that you may achieve everything your election as a child of God provides; rise every time to whatever occasion may come your way.

You did not do anything to achieve your salvation, but you must do something to exhibit it. You must "work out your own salvation" which God has worked in you already (Philippians 2:12). Are your speech, your thinking, and your emotions evidence that you are working it "out"? If you are still the same miserable, grouchy person, set on having your own way, then it is a lie to say that God has saved and sanctified you.

God is the Master Designer, and He allows adversities into your life to see if you can jump over them properly - "By my God I can leap over a wall" (Psalm 18:29). God will never shield you from the requirements of being His son or daughter. First Peter 4:12 says, "Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you. . . " Rise to the occasion - do what the trial demands of you. It does not matter how much it hurts as long as it gives God the opportunity to manifest the life of Jesus in your body.

May God not find complaints in us anymore, but spiritual vitality - a readiness to face anything He brings our way. The only proper goal of life is that we manifest the Son of God; and when this occurs, all of our dictating of our demands to God disappears. Our Lord never dictated demands to His Father, and neither are we to make demands on God. We are here to submit to His will so that He may work through us what he wants. Once we realize this, He will make us broken bread and poured-out wine with which to feed and nourish others.

-My Utmost For His Highest, Oswald Chambers

Keep Recognizing Jesus

2011-07-16T21:26:00.000-07:00

Dennis and I have been reading through Oswald Chamber's book "My Utmost for His Highest". We have found a lot of encouraging and thought provoking devotions. This one particularly spoke to us as we have faced our own "boisterous wind and high waves". The reason we have been able to endure it all is because we have continued to recognize Jesus and to trust Him with our circumstances.

. . . Peter. . . walked on the water to go to Jesus. But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid. . . Matthew 14:29-30

The wind really was boisterous and the waves really were high, but Peter didn’t see them at first. He didn’t consider them at all, he simply recognized his Lord, stepped out in recognition of Him, and “walked on the water.” Then he began to take those things around him into account, and instantly, down he went. Why couldn’t our Lord have enabled him to walk at the bottom of the waves, as well as on top of them? He could have, yet neither could be done without Peter’s continuing recognition of the Lord Jesus.

We step right out with recognition of God in some things, then self-consideration enters our lives and down we go. If you are truly recognizing your Lord, you have no business being concerned about how and where He engineers your circumstances. The things surrounding you are real, but when you look at them you are immediately overwhelmed, and even unable to recognize Jesus. Then comes His rebuke, “. . why did you doubt?” (14:31). Let your actual circumstances be what they may, but keep recognizing Jesus, maintaining complete reliance upon Him.

If you debate for even one second when God has spoken, it is all over for you. Never start to say, “Well, I wonder if He really did speak to me?” Be reckless immediately - totally unrestrained and willing to risk everything - by casting your all upon Him. You do not know when His voice will come to you, but whenever the realization of God comes, even in the faintest way imaginable, be determined to recklessly abandon yourself, surrendering everything to Him. It is only through abandonment of yourself and your circumstances that you will recognize Him. You will only recognize His voice more clearly through recklessness - being willing to risk your all.

Oswald Chambers
My Utmost for His Highest

What Do You Believe?

2011-06-26T17:57:00.001-07:00

I'm watching an old Dr. Quinn episode. The story is about the town thinking that a comet is going to crash to earth and wipe them all out. It shows how people respond to the thought of the end of the world.

Some turn to alcohol; one spends her life savings on China; another quits working; a couple wants to get married; one builds a shelter; the young people see it as license to do whatever they want; the reverend cancels school and opens the church for everyone to come for confession and counsel; the doctor carries on as usual and her beau tries to encourage her to live life every day in the moment.

There is discussion about what will happen after they die. One woman trusts that when she dies, she and her husband will be in heaven. He doesn't see that as enough of a comfort and begins to have a heart attack. The young people talk about all they won't be able to do here on earth and the misinformation they have "heard" about heaven - like they will look different and won't recognize one another. The reverend is overwhelmed and unsure of what to do "at a time like this". (Shouldn't he of all people have the answer?) The Cheyenne Indian tells a young boy that his people believe the stars are a sign that the spirits have found their final resting place.

As the town faces what they believe to be their "last hour", they all share how much they care about one another and how they each have brought meaning to one another's lives. Midnight comes and goes and nothing happens of course. Only then is a telegram found that says the comet is "utter nonsense". But they all leave the church vowing not to take one another for granted any more.

I am finding this so interesting in light of a conversation I had with a fellow Bible study leader yesterday about the recent earthquakes around the world. We are all destined to face our "final hour". We were wondering what those we know believe will happen to them at that time. So I'll pose the question: What do you think will happen to you when you die?

I personally have the full assurance that I will go to heaven. The reason I know this is because I have received Jesus as my Lord and Savior. The Bible says in John 3:16 that "God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life." Yes, my physical body will die, but my spirit will live for eternity in Heaven with the Lord. Because I have this hope of a peaceful eternity, I choose to live my life according to the Bible out of gratitude to God for saving me from my sin.

It's not a complicated plan. We were all born sinners, separated from God. God sent His Son to die on the cross to accept the punishment for our sins. When we believe in Christ, admit our sin and ask Him to be our Savior, He cleanses us and makes us like new. We are then guaranteed citizenship in heaven for eternity.

God doesn't desire anyone to be without Him. But it's our choice. Will you accept this free gift and guarantee yourself a place in heaven? It is my prayer you will.

Casserole Faith

2011-06-26T17:52:00.001-07:00

John 5:24 reads, ". . . whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life. . . " Salvation. A free gift from God. When we hear the Truth and believe it, we receive the gift of salvation. While this in itself is awesome, there is so much more.

I have often heard of the Christian walk being compared to that of a developing child. When someone first comes to the Lord we call him a "baby Christian". He has much to learn about Christ. But the more a person hears teaching on the Bible, reads the Word of God on his own, and enjoys fellowship with other believers, the more he matures in his walk. As his knowledge grows, his relationship with God grows and he develops into a mature believer. This is the goal anyway.

But every so often a person who is born again may only remain in the infant stage of his development, or as Dennis heard it called - he is like a stillborn baby - accepting Christ as Savior, and maybe even attending church regularly and perhaps listening to or even participating in studies here and there, but missing the idea of applying what he is hearing to his life. James 1:22 says, " do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says."

I often think of it as a microwave dinner (or a TV dinner as we used to call them). Each individual food is separated into its own compartment so none of it touches. Sometimes a person lives his life like this, keeping each part separate from the other. His faith is in one compartment all by itself. This person says he is Christian and goes to church, but his faith doesn't touch any other part of his life. This is not what God wants from us. Paul wrote in Colossians 1:10, "And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God."

Our faith is to be like a casserole. In a casserole dish, each individual ingredient is mixed in with all the others. That is how our faith should be. Our faith should touch every part of our lives: God's principles should be evident in our marriages, in how we parent, it should carry over into the workplace, it should govern the entertainment choices we make and serve as a filter for the type of speech we use, people should know us by the fruit we bear in our life. We are to "be imitators of God." Ephesians 5:1

Jesus said in Matthew 7:24-27, "everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. . . it did not fall because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. . . it fell with a great crash." Another reminder not to keep what we are learning in a separate compartment.

A good summation of this idea is found in Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost for His Highest", "But so many people do tell what they saw on the Mount of Transfiguration - their mountaintop experience. They have seen a vision and they testify to it, but there is no connection between what they say and how they live. Their lives don't add up because the Son of Man has not yet risen in them. How long will it be before his resurrection life is formed and evident in you and in me?"

Hopefully not long.

Home Away From Home

2011-06-26T17:45:00.000-07:00

I recently read the book "Jesus Freaks: Martyrs" by dc Talk and the group Voice of the Martyrs. It has been very humbling to read about the faith of so many who have suffered great persecution and even death because of their faith in Christ. Even in the face of great physical pain to themselves and often their family - these believers stood their ground and refused to deny their Savior.

A story I read that stood out to me was about Pastor Florescu. He was imprisoned in Romania in the 1960’s. He was arrested by the Communists and tortured in the hopes that he would give the names of other believers. He continually refused to give the names of his fellow Christian brothers and sisters. Then they did the unthinkable and brought in his 14-year-old son and began to whip him. The father watched until the writer says “the poor man was half crazy. He bore it as long as he could. But when he could stand it no more, he cried to his son, ‘Alexander, I must say what they want! I can’t bear your beatings anymore!’

His son answered, “Father, don’t do me the injustice of having a traitor as a parent. Withstand! If they kill me, I will die with the words, ‘Jesus and my fatherland.’” The story continues that this angered the Communists and they killed the son right there by beating him to death.

In the midst of this tragic story what stuck in my mind was the son’s hope of his “Fatherland”. The Scripture that followed this story was from verses 14 and 16 from Hebrews chapter 11. I chose to write out verses 13-16: “They agree that they were foreigners and nomads here on earth. Obviously people who say such things are looking forward to a country they can call their own. If they had longed for the country they came from, they could have gone back. But they were looking for a better place, a heavenly homeland. That is why God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them.” (NLT)

This passage reminded me of the saying we have for places we frequent often: “It’s my home away from home.” While we often use this expression in fun, really it has a very deep truth to those who follow after Christ. This time and place we are living in now is not our true home. Our real home is eternity in heaven with our Father and Savior Jesus Christ. It is this heavenly, eternal perspective that give believers their true hope and peace. It’s what allowed the persecuted believers of long ago and of today to face death with such courage; because death will bring them into the presence of the Lord where there is no more pain or sorrow.

In first Peter 1:1, Peter began his letter by addressing it to “God’s elect, strangers in the world.” He later wrote to the believers in verse 17 that they were to, “live (their) lives as strangers here in reverent fear.” Again in chapter 2 verse 11 he spoke to the believers as “aliens and strangers in the world.”

Jesus spoke in John 15:19 saying, “If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.” In John 17:14, Jesus prayed for His disciples by stating, “I have given them your word and the world has hated them for they are not of this world any more than I am of the world.”

I really like the song “Only Temporary” by “Mercy Me. The chorus says, “There’s a reason why this world just don’t feel right. We are strangers who are simply passing by.” The second verses speak of how “this place was never meant to be (our) home” that we are “standing on the outside looking in” but that we don’t “complain cause (we’re) “already on (our) way.”

I have to admit that it has taken me time to develop this “alien” perspective. In the not too distant past I found myself holding onto this world in a variety of ways - wanting to see, experience and have things to the extent of almost wishing the Lord would tarry until I could achieve them. Absurd, I know. As you would imagine, this kind of perspective does no one any earthly or heavenly good. It simply created discontent and frustration in my spirit.

God’s word is very clear about the kinds of treasures we are to store up. In Matthew 6:19-21 Jesus told us, “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

What does it mean to store up heavenly treasures? Warren Wiersbe says, “it means to use all that we have for the glory of God.” He goes on to say that “wealth not only enslaves the heart, but it also enslaves the mind. (Also,) materialism can enslave the will. If God grants riches, and we use them for His glory, then riches are a blessing. But if we will to get rich, and live with that outlook, we will pay a great price for those riches.” In Hebrews chapter 11 we read of the faith of many believers from the Old Testament. This chapter tells us that Moses in particular “regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt.” Timothy commands the rich in chapter 6 verses 17-19 to “put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. . . To do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share. In this way they will lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age, so that they may take hold of the life that is truly life.”

So having a heavenly perspective affects how we live our life. These verses point out just a few of the outward signs of our mindset: using what we have for God’s glory and not our own selfish desires; putting our faith and hope in God instead of money, people or position; doing good deeds; and being generous with what we have (time, talent and money). By desiring to please and glorify the Lord, we will find greater contentment and satisfaction with life than if we are only looking out for our own selves.

Another positive outcome from having a heavenly outlook is how it helps us in trials and tribulations. When difficulties have arisen in life, at times it has felt overwhelming and I have begun to loose heart and become anxious. Thankfully these moments have lessened as I have begun to develop this eternal perspective.

1 Peter 1:6 says we should rejoice when we suffer grief and trials. Verse 7 gives the reason why. Peter writes, “These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” Romans 5:3 says that we should “also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” And in James 1:2-4 we read that we should “consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

These verses help me see that trials serve a purpose in God’s plan for me. I will develop more of the Christ-like character traits that will bring glory to God in my life now, and praise from God when I am united with Him for eternity. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 sums it up by stating, “we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

Mercy Me’s song “Only Temporary” also says, “Don’t let the situation get to you. This is not a hill worth dying on. Don’t let these circumstances tear your heart in two. Soon enough this chapter will be gone. What’s insurmountable today will simply one day fade away. In light of all eternity it‘s only temporary.”

I love the reminder that compared to eternity, nothing we experience here will last for any significant amount of time. Mira, a persecuted Christian in Bangladesh was quoted in 1997 as saying, “We give thanks to God that these things cannot destroy our spirit. Jesus told us that we are only here for a few days. We have eternal life and will stay with Him in heaven. He will take care of all this.”

Having an eternal perspective affects us in the here and now as well as in eternity. As we learn to set aside our selfish desires and focus on pleasing God now while we wait, we can experience hope and peace here on earth. And no matter how difficult our circumstances here on earth become, we have a great celebration to look forward to which can help get us through the tough times. How I look forward to my true home!

A Life of Worship

2011-06-25T12:23:00.000-07:00

Last summer I began working through a Women of Faith study entitled "A Life of Worship". It proved to be very timely as many of the things I was learning really helped me in the early days of Dennis' cancer diagnosis. I recently revisited the study and wrote out some notes from each chapter. I really wanted to wrap my mind around the concepts. Patsy Clairmont wrote on p. 91 "I know I want to be more than I am today. That means I'll have to use my time wisely, invest myself discerningly, and savor the flavor of every delicious moment assigned to me." These words offer a plan for fulfilling the desire of my heart . . . to lead a life of worship.

What were we made for? The answer is a life of worship. “Worshipping in all the moments of our lives changes us because we move from trying to be perfect to resting in the perfect will of a God who loves us passionately.” (Sheila Walsh)

God has created us to bring glory, honor and praise to Him. “To glorify something is to praise or honor it, acknowledge its excellence, give it homage, exalt, and worship it. In other words, we glorify God when we tell Him how much we admire Him, when we give Him proper honor, and when we acknowledge His perfection and power. Glorifying God draws attention to His character, lifts up His mighty deeds for others to see, and focuses our attention on Him.” (pp.1-2)

Though we are ordinary, we have been chosen by God , made righteous and holy and adorned with spiritual gifts to glorify Him.

Just as “Christ did not take upon Himself the glory of becoming High Priest” (Hebrews 5:5), so our glory is to be in God (Psalm 62:7). In other words, we do not bring glory to God by our own deeds, we glorify God by the work Christ has done in us through the precious gift of salvation and the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives. This is so “none can boast” (Ephesians 2:9). God deserves all the glory, honor and praise for everything in our lives.

*“All glory belongs to God. Glory is His to give, and when it is given, we need to return it to Him.” (p. 96)

“There is only One who is worthy of glory; all glory belongs to God.” (p. 10) God is worthy of honor because He is the Creator of all things. His glory is displayed in the heavens. Our response should be to praise Him for who He is. “Not to us, O Lord, not to us but to your name be the glory because of your love and faithfulness” (Psalm 115:1).

*“God is more precious than silver and more costly than gold. We glorify God because it is due Him. . . He alone is worthy of glory.” (p. 96)

God made people for His glory (Isaiah 43:7). But because “all have sinned” (Romans 3:23), we have been diverted from our original purpose and we fall short of glory. Through the free gift of salvation we again begin to give God the glory due His name. Fortunately, God doesn’t stop there. He continues to transform us into His own image through the working of the Holy Spirit (2 Corinthians 3:18).

*“The heavens declare God’s glory, and so can we. . . Our purpose (is) to bring God glory.” (p. 96)

We are to glorify (worship) God throughout all our days - morning, noon and night forever. Each day is a gift and to be celebrated. We will never exhaust our opportunities to glorify God. God requires our obedience to His calling. Should we choose to ignore it, God’s purpose will still be fulfilled, we will just miss out on the blessing of having chosen to glorify God. Let’s ask God to show us how to rearrange our lives to fit around His purposes.

*“When do we give glory to God? . . . All of our days belong to God, and every hour and minute and moment offers an opportunity to glorify Him. So make every second count!” (p. 96)

David was a man after God’s own heart. He glorified the Lord by accomplishing God’s purposes for his life. Like David, we may not be called to affect many generations, but we can affect the next generation by teaching our children.

Loving Jesus brings God glory. Our salvation (faith) brings God glory. Being faithful with the little God has given us will help us with the “much” that is to come. True spiritual fruit grows over time. Live in such a way that others are drawn to you, curious about what makes you different. Live a life worthy of your calling - following God’s path and using your gifts to accomplish His purposes. Do the job in front of you to the best of your ability.

“Sometimes we wish we could serve God on a grand scale. We long to do big things for Him, but more often than not He’s asking us to be faithful in the little things of life. . . We can’t rush spiritual fruit and we should avoid the temptation to tie false apples on our branches, pretending to be something we’re not.” (p. 97)

“There is no one right way to glorify God” (p. 42). Because we are each a unique creation, we will reflect God’s glory in different ways. The key to glorifying God is wholeheartedness. “What does the Lord your God require of you, but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in all His ways and to love Him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the commandments of the Lord and His statues which I command you today for your good” (Deuteronomy 10:12, 13). “Do the thing in front of you wholeheartedly. Give God your best, and He will receive the glory” (p. 46).

*“We all have such unique gifts and places in the body of Christ it’s difficult to establish a set of rules for service. So the only right way to glorify God with our lives is to serve Him wholeheartedly.” (p. 97)

“Glorying means triumphant rejoicing, exulting, boasting and being proud about something” (p. 49). When we do what God made us to do, we please Him. “Let him who glories glory in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord” (Jeremiah 9:24). We cannot hang onto glory because glory is meant to be returned to God. It is unwise and even foolish to glory in the temporary things of the world. There is nothing else worth boasting about but to glory in God.

*“In this world, beauty and riches provide great temptations for us, but when it comes to glorying, we must glory in the LORD. . . Our true treasures wait for us in heaven.” (p. 97)

“Sing out the honor of His name; make His praise glorious” (Psalm 66:2). “The worship services we attend in our churches are designed to pull the focus off of ourselves and onto the God we serve” (p. 57). Believers can glorify God together with one heart and one mouth (Romans 15:6). When you worship, be intentional and keep your focus on the Lord your God. Engage your mind and think about what the words mean.

*“Voices and music can be lifted together in glorious worship.” (p. 97)

We can glorify God by allowing Him to infuse our day “with His strength, His patience, and His love” (p. 66). God can be glorified through shame, insults, sickness, and death. By enduring these things we are promised eternal glory (2 Corinthians 4:17; Romans 5:3; 2 Timothy 2:10; 1 Peter 1:7; 1 Peter 5:10). We glorify God by telling others about Him as well as sharing our gifts.

*“Our lives are interwoven with those of other believers, and when we use our gifts within the church, God is glorified. What’s more, our lives are interwoven with God’s through the Spirit, and it is His strength and patience and love that allow us to minister to one another.” (p. 97)

“God wants to be a part of (our) normal, ordinary, run of the mill, everyday routines” (p. 74). We glorify God by trusting Him to lead and guide us (Psalm 31:3); through prayer (Psalm 69:13); studying the Scriptures (Deuteronomy 30:14); and by living a peaceful and quiet life (1 Thessalonians 4:11). God is also glorified when He keeps His promises and answers our prayers (2 Corinthians 1:20; John 14:13).

*“As Christians, we aspire to a quiet life and everyday glories, with God as an active participant in our days. When we quiet our hearts and settle our minds, we can hear . . The still, small voice of God leading us in His ways.” (p. 98)

The Scriptures teach us that we must live intentionally and wisely. Barbara Johnson wrote, “don’t let your life speed out of control. Live intentionally. Do something today that will last beyond your lifetime” (p. 82). Colossians 3:2 says we are to “set (our) minds on things above, not on earthly things.”

If we were to make a “to do list” for how to live a life of worship, it might look like this. . “Item number one: Glorify God today. Item number two: Study the Scripture to find out what will please God. Item number three: Obey God” (p. 84). Luci Swindoll wrote “When we ask for wisdom, all kinds of things begin to happen. Things we hadn’t planned on. God comes in like a flood, altering our world - changing the things we once valued, restructuring relationships, taking away this desire and adding that one, putting our priorities in a new alignment. God grows us up!” (p. 85) “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him” (James 1:5).

*“If we are to live for God’s glory, we must set about it in intentional ways. . . We must be wise in our decisions, choosing to set our minds on things above.” (p. 98)

In order to live our lives for God’s glory, we can model our “behavior after two people: Jesus and the English butler. . . Jesus for His focus, His compassion, and His dependence upon the Father. And the butler for his quietness, his readiness to serve, and for his humility” (p. 90).

Our faithfulness brings glory to God. “When the time comes for us to leave this earth and see our Heavenly Father face to face, I hope we can echo the words of Christ” (p. 91). “I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you gave me to do” (John 17:4).

*“Our part is that of a servant. Your life is spent entirely for God. Your willingness to serve, your cheerful service, your faithful obedience, your readiness to act on His behalf - all bring glory to His name.” (p. 98)

The Beginning of the End

2011-06-21T22:06:00.000-07:00

June 21, 2011

Tomorrow is the beginning of the end of Dennis’ cancer treatment. He will begin chemotherapy in the morning. This will be four cycles that will include an infusion on Wednesday; coming home with a pump; and returning on Friday to have the pump removed; and then no chemo for 10 days. So again, it ends up being every other week. This will last for 6 ½ weeks; ending the first week of August. Because he has responded so well to all the treatment, the oncologist is reducing the chemo a bit to help minimize the side effects. (Dennis has been having numbness and tenderness in his feet from the previous chemo treatments.)

While the numbness and tenderness are uncomfortable, overall Dennis is doing well. He is healing well and feeling stronger every day. He was able to attend Ellie’s last day of school Chapel last Thursday and even spoke briefly about his cancer journey. Friday night he was able to attend Josh’s kindergarten promotion and Sunday he went to church with us. Dennis has been walking most mornings as well.

During worship on Sunday we sang “Your Love Never Fails”. I found myself getting a bit emotional over the words to the song. We have had raging ocean moments and felt at times like things were stronger and deeper than we could manage. And while we wondered if we could make it beyond the difficulties, God’s love didn’t fail us and He has certainly worked all things together for our good.

We enter this last phase of treatment knowing that God is with us. And while we expect it to be fairly easy to deal with, we know that the unexpected can always rise up before us. So we also go into it asking for prayer to cover us for whatever may be ahead.

We would appreciate prayer for Dennis to handle the chemotherapy well; for the numbness and tenderness in his feet not to worsen; for safety in travel to and from UCI; and for flexible spirits in our children as this summer will not be the same as summers past.

Thank you doesn’t seem enough, but we are grateful for your prayers on our behalf.
Carolyn

Stewardship of our Children Part 2

2011-06-10T10:33:00.001-07:00

Shaping our children’s hearts to live for God is called discipleship. The Clarksons write that “discipleship of your children is your first priority as a Christian parent - to shape their hearts to live for God.” The first step they give to accomplishing this task is to be sure your heart is turned toward your children. “If the parents’ hearts are not turned toward the child, that child’s heart will turn elsewhere.” Our attitude toward our children is very important; we need to see them “as God wants (us) to see them - as future servants and leaders for Him in the next generation.” H. Clay Trumball the author of Hints on Child Training (1890) wrote “It is, therefore, largely a child’s training that settles the question (of what kind of person he will become). . . In all these things his course indicates what his training has been; or it suggests that training that he needed, but missed.”

The Clarksons give five “heartbeats” of discipleship. The first one has to do with obedience. Colossians 3:20 says that children are to obey their parents in all things in order to please the Lord. Warren Wiersbe writes in his Bible commentary that “the child who does not learn to obey his parents is not likely to grow up obeying any authority.” If we want our children to grow in maturity, then we need to first teach them to obey from the heart. Obedience is an important way to show our love for God.

In order to teach obedience, we need to use discipline (Heartbeat #2). I like the way Clay and Sally Clarkson define this: “Biblical discipline is a relational process of spiritual training that cultivates godliness.” We do this by correcting wrong behavior and directing our children to choose good behavior. We should do this in love, using the Word of God as our guide and with the goal of changing our children’s hearts. Our primary goal for discipline should be to help our children be able to say “no” to poor behavior and to choose correct behavior. This is “training your child to obey from his heart, not just with his mind or body.” Attitude is an important component in this part of training. “If a bad attitude is not addressed, you are allowing your child to slowly harden his or her heart to your authority and discipline.”

In dealing with these two parts of training: obedience and discipline, it is important that both be done with love (Heartbeat #3). If we desire to be an example of Jesus to our children, then we need to be sure our words and actions are characterized by love. We can show love through sympathy, encouragement and affection. In Educating the WholeHearted Child, being sympathetic toward your child is defined as showing a “willingness to understand and validate your children’s thoughts and feelings.” You know your child’s heart. You take the time to talk with them, ask questions and respond to theirs. The Clarksons add that “having a heart of sympathy for your children will mean, by necessity, choosing a less busy lifestyle. It will mean lowering your expectations about what can and must be accomplished in a day.” A trade-off well worth the end results!

Another way to show love is through encouragement. The greatest encouragement, according to Warren Wiersbe, is for parents to spend time with their children. It will mean a lot to our children if they see us make time to be with them and if we listen patiently as they talk with us. Encouragement focuses on the future. We need to give our children hope. The Clarksons write, “life is just beginning to stretch out before them with all of its possibilities, mysteries and struggles, and they are looking for confidence - to know there really is a God, that their journey through life has purpose and meaning, and that there is an eternal home after death.” Wiersbe adds that “discouraged children are fair prey for Satan and the world. When a child does not get ‘ego-strength’ at home, he will seek it elsewhere.” Alex McFarland in his article “The Source of Self-Worth” in the May/June issue of “Thriving Families” by Focus on the Family says our children’s self-worth “should be grounded on . . . the following realities: they are made in God’s image; Jesus personally cares about them; they’re worthy of unconditional love in (our) home; they can find a haven of acceptance among other believers; and that God has a plan for their life. Parents need to help develop their children’s personalities, gifts and skills; and to know that we see the potential that lies within them.

The third component to obedience and discipline found in the Clarkson’s book is affection. This is a “non-verbal way of assuring (your children) that you accept them just as they are, that they are special to you, and that there is a spiritual bond and unity in your family that is private and powerful.”

The fourth heartbeat is that of protection. We must be the centurions over our children’s lives who teach them discernment and guard them against unwise relationships and ungodly secular media. It is important for our children to have “edifying relationships with other well-trained, ‘good and godly’ children from trustworthy Christian families.” Clay and Sally add that we should be aware of four dangerous relationships. Beware of those who are foolish. Proverbs 13:20 reads that “he who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm. They suggest that we should not let our children “become emotionally or spiritually yoked to an unbelieving child.” (2 Corinthians 6:14) As it is not easy to erase the effects of immoral language, attitudes or behavior, we should avoid spending time with those who participate in them. 1 Corinthians 15:33 says that “bad company corrupts good character.” And finally, we need to avoid putting our children under the authority of false teachers.

Television, movies, music, books, magazines and the computer must be monitored carefully. Philippians 4:8 says we are to focus our minds on things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, and praiseworthy. Anything that doesn’t meet these criteria doesn’t belong in front of our children. It is also important to teach our children to have discernment over these things as well. They will not always be under our watchful eye and need to be able to speak up if something does not fall in line with what is allowed in our home or what they know to be right.

The final heartbeat of discipline according to the Clarksons is direction. “If you want to ‘train a child in the way he should go,’ you must first know the way he should go!” As parents, we are to have a “clear vision for where (we) want to lead (our) children.” To direct our children into godliness and righteousness we will work at shaping their actions and attitudes into godly character and habits. We must instruct them in Biblical truth to help them grow in “understanding, wisdom, discernment and faith.” And most importantly, we must be a living example of our training and instruction.

To do all this requires intent; it is not accidental and cannot be passive. Warren Wiersbe summed this all up in his Bible commentary by writing, “If a home is truly Christian, it is a place of encouragement. In such a home, the child finds refuge from battles, and yet strength to fight the battles and carry the burdens of growing maturity. He finds a loving heart, a watchful eye, a listening ear, and a helping hand. He does not want any other place - home meets his needs. In this kind of a home, it is natural for the child to trust Christ and want to live for Him.” And isn’t that our ultimate goal as Christian parents? May we continue to be diligent in the discipleship our children.

Stewardship of our Children

2011-06-09T20:35:00.000-07:00

It seems lately that many things related to parenting have crossed my path. It was part of our Bible study last week, I’ve been reading the book “Educating the Wholehearted Child” by Clay and Sally Clarkson, and just today the Focus on the Family “Thriving Family” magazine arrived with articles on raising daughters and developing self esteem in our children. This has all been really great material to read - very convicting as well as encouraging.

One of the most interesting things I have read is from the Clarkson’s book. Although the book was written for those families considering home schooling, much of the beginning is filled with basic parenting principles. They began with the idea of stewardship. I think we are all familiar with this principle in regards to our time or even our money; but I had never thought about it in relation to our children. In their book Educating the Wholehearted Child, the Clarksons write, “Scripture calls you to be a good steward, or manager, of all God has entrusted to you. Your children are certainly your most valuable “possessions” in this life. God will require an account of your stewardship of your children. (Romans 12:1-2)” That was a new concept for me, but one I am glad I read. As with all things in my life, God is going to call on me to give an account one day- an account of how I raised my children. Will I receive a reward for the way I have raised them, or will my Heavenly Father be sadly disappointed in how I “managed” my children’s lives?

In The Wiersbe Bible Commentary for the New Testament, Warren Wiersbe writes about the “rights” of children. He says, “they do have rights. One of them is the right to be born. Another is the right to be born into a dedicated Christian home where they will be raised in the ‘nurture and admonition of the Lord’ (Ephesians 6:4). They have the right to have godly parents who will teach them the Word of God and discipline them in love.” If I am going to be a good steward and fulfill this biblical command, then I must be a student of the Word of God myself so that I can take these truths and “impress them on (my) children. (To) talk about them when (I) sit at home and when (I) walk (or drive) along the road, when (I) lie down and when (I) get up.” (Deuteronomy 6:7) It is not enough to take them to church or have them in a Christian school. I need to be a model myself and to take advantage of those teachable moments placed before me throughout the day.

Clay and Sally Clarkson went on to write that “you will reap in your children’s lives exactly what you sow in them as a parent. If you want to reap secure, mature adults, you must sow together the seeds of time, togetherness and training. If you want to reap a godly heritage, you must faithfully sow the seeds of godly influence. If you want to reap godly character, you must sow seeds of a good example.” It is clear then that the responsibility lies on Dennis and me to do this. Our children are our “most valuable assets. They are priceless, eternal treasures, entrusted to (us) by God - (ours) for a short time, after which (we) will present them back to God as a gift.”

Psalm 78:1-7 reads, “O my people, hear my teaching; listen to the words of my mouth. I will open my mouth in parables, I will utter hidden things, things from of old - what we have heard and known, what our fathers have told us. We will not hide them from their children; we will tell the next generation the praiseworthy deeds of the Lord, His power, and the wonders He has done. He decreed statutes for Jacob and established the law in Israel, which He commanded our forefathers to teach their children, so the next generation would know them, even the children yet to be born, and they in turn would tell their children. Then they would put their trust in God and would not forget His deeds but would keep His commandments.”

This is my heart; I desire to instill godly principles in my children’s lives so that they can 1) find their identity and esteem in Christ; 2) reach their full potential in Christ; 3) glorify God with their lives; and 4) carry on this godly heritage in their own circle of influence.

I plan to write more on what I have been reading; but it’s homework time! It will have to wait!

Overindulgence-Living in Modern Day Babylon

2011-06-09T16:40:00.000-07:00

Our women’s Bible study this past year did two Beth Moore studies. The first was on the book of Daniel. As I watched her first teaching on chapter one and then began the study on my own at home, I was very excited about the two main topics she covered. One of them had to do with an overindulgent lifestyle. I was encouraged to hear repeated some of the lessons I have been learning over the past year, as well as to receive motivation to continue growing in the area of stewardship and submitting all things to God.

First, what is an overindulgent lifestyle? Beth Moore began by explaining about Babylon. Babylonia was the place where the Israelites gathered after the time of Noah. They decided to build a city with a tower to heaven. They wanted to make a name for themselves. So God scattered them in order to save them from themselves. This attitude of self-importance has been carried through the ages to our modern day world.

The Babylon of today is a philosophy, a way of thinking, an attitude. We are being indoctrinated by the mentality, “I am and there is none besides me.” (Isaiah 47:8,10) This Babylonian mentality says, “It’s all about me; nothing is important more than me.” It’s all about self-absorption. There is an excessiveness to our culture. We are inundated with overindulgent choices. We can get our hamburgers any way we like them. There are mini meals, regular size meals, super size meals. There is a Starbucks on every corner so we can get our coffee anywhere, however we want it (soy, foam, cold, hot) We cut, color, highlight, extend, and straighten our hair. We pluck, wax, wrap, exfoliate, moisturize and massage our skin. Some nip, tuck and enhance their bodies. There are diets of every kind and extreme. There are fashion trends that change seasonally. Information is at our fingertips via books, magazines, newspapers and now the internet. We can connect with people via cell phones attached to our ears at all times, social networking sights that we can also access from our phones, and texting at all times. There are compact cars, sedans, SUVs, mini vans, sports cars, classic cars and hybrid cars. We can own boats, jet skis, RVs. For entertainment we have hundreds of TV and movie channels, DVDs, streaming movies, movies in the mail, movie theaters, community theaters, Broadway plays and musicals, amusement parks, museums, cultural centers. We can put our kids in dance, gymnastics, soccer, football, baseball, piano lessons, scouts, and the list goes on. When all these choices become too much for us and we want to “get away from it all” we can drive, fly or cruise to “paradise”.

Wow! It makes me out of breath just typing all that. As I look over it, I am sure that I have left out numerous other things we can choose from on a daily basis. What makes these choices overindulgent? It’s not the choices themselves. I believe it is the attitude with which they are made. As I have been learning about the idea of stewardship, I have come to see that nothing is really “mine.” God is my provider and gives me what I need for each day. This leads to another problem associated with overindulgence - that of entitlement.

Entitlement is the idea that “I deserve this. . . I’ve earned it. . . I am owed. . . “ The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines entitlement as a “belief that one is deserving of or entitled to certain privileges.” People can feel they are entitled to many things. No matter what a person may feel they are entitled to, the problem with entitlement is the same - it is an indication of a weakened spiritual condition - that of pride. Scripture teaches us that “every good and perfect gift comes from above” (James 1:17) and that God is the supplier of all our needs (Matthew 6:25-34). When we become dissatisfied with His provision, believing we need more, not only are we guilty of discontent, but of pride in thinking we know more of what we need than our Creator.

Entitlement can quickly lead to the mindset that more will make us happier. “If I can afford it (or it‘s free), I will get it.” But attaining more doesn’t make us happier. It fuels an insatiable desire for more. Those who are filled with the desire to attain become restless, they are never at peace, never content. Colossians 3:1-2 tells us that since we “have been raised with Christ” we are to “set (our) hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God.” To “set (our) minds on things above, not on earthly things.” Psalm 27:4 reminds us what our focus is to be: “One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek Him in His temple.”

Isaiah 39:1-8 tells of King Hezekiah’s sin of showing all the treasures of Israel to the king of Babylon. He let his guard down. He took personal pride in all the treasures of Israel even though he didn’t attain them. They were God’s. He assumed he was opening the door to peaceful relations, but it ended up leading to captivity and the looting of the treasures of Israel.

We, too, will lose our identity and integrity without resolve. The desire to attain and have more can cause us to compromise our integrity. We begin to look for ways to “work” the system in order to get more for less. We must guard our hearts and minds. (Philippians 4:7). Our purpose is to be relevant for the purpose of God’s glory; not our own.

Overindulgence is found in the high premiums our culture places upon age, appearance, and intelligence. Daniel refused to eat from the king’s table. 1 Corinthians 6:12 tells us that, “everything is permissible for me - but not everything is beneficial - Everything is permissible for me - but I will not be mastered by anything.” The food the king was serving was unclean according to the law of the Israelites, but it was also rich food; indulgent food. Daniel asked that he be able to eat vegetables. The word used in verse 12 means food grown from sown seed. This included vegetables, fruit, grains and bread that is made from grain. Daniel demonstrated that by eating healthier foods, he in turn was stronger and better nourished than those who ate from the king’s table. Just because we can, doesn’t mean we should. By saying, “no” to buying, eating or watching whatever brings pleasure to our flesh, we are more likely to live healthier lifestyles and experience greater contentment.

Aside from the food itself, Daniel also knew that by sharing a meal with the king he would be committing himself to friendship with the king. Sharing a meal by Eastern standards was of covenant significance. We do not want to be friends with the overindulgent world.

Instead we should be desiring to gain knowledge and understanding by maintaining a close relationship with the Lord. By living according to His principles and following after Him with our whole hearts we will live a rich life in the here and now as well as in eternity. “Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives tales; rather, train yourself to be godly. For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.” 1 Timothy 4:7-8

May we turn away from the arrogant, selfish, overindulgent way of the world and instead choose to live for Christ with humility and a desire to glorify our heavenly Father instead of ourselves.

Trusting in His Plan

2011-06-08T17:00:00.000-07:00

June 8, 2011

After nine days in the hospital, Dennis was released yesterday afternoon. He is still sore and about seven pounds lighter, but so glad to be home and doing okay. It is much easier for me to have my family all in one place! We are taking it much slower with the “regular diet” instructions and keeping things light and simple. We had to reschedule all of his appointments for this week, so next week in between end of the year activities we will be visiting UCI for follow up appointments.

Dennis still has two months of chemotherapy ahead of him. Our oncologist was gracious enough to fit us in next week instead of waiting for the two-week appointment we had scheduled this morning. I had hoped he would call and do that since we are a bit anxious to get started on the last part of treatment. The later we start, the later into the next school year it will continue. But I keep reminding myself there is a purpose for everything and God knows what He is doing.

I read some great things the other night by Charles Swindoll in his book “Bedside Blessings” that I have to share because they were so encouraging to me.

“God will be all in all. God will have His way. What seems frustrating and wrong and unfair is not the end of the story. It’s just the end of a chapter. The book He is writing has many, many chapters. Augustine was correct, absolutely right when we said, ‘We count on God’s mercy for our past mistakes; we count on God’s love for our present needs; but we count on God’s sovereignty for the future.’”

“God hears our cry. He lifts us up out of a horrible pit; He places our feet upon a rock and establishes our going. He proves Himself strong in our weakness; He sheds light in our darkness; He becomes hope in our uncertainty and security in our confusion. He is the Centerpiece of our lives.”

“One of the great themes of Christianity is triumphant hope. Not just hope as in a distant, vague dream, but triumphant hope, the kind of hope where all things end right. In the midst of the struggles and the storms and the sufferings of life, we can advance our thoughts beyond today and see relief. . . triumph. . . victory. Because, in the end, God does indeed win.”

“Hope is a wonderful gift from God, a source of strength and courage in the face of life’s harshest trials. When we are trapped in a tunnel of misery, hope points to the light at the end. When we are overworked and exhausted, hope gives us fresh energy. When we are discouraged, hope lifts our spirits. When we are tempted to quit, hope keeps us going.”

“Nothing surprises God. What puzzles us is permitted by our Lord, for reasons too profound to grasp. It is put together in the counsel of His own will so that it fits perfectly into His plan for His glory and for His purposes. As His servant, I say in response, ‘I will not fear. Though I don’t understand it, I will not fear. Though You take something that’s deeply significant to me, though You allow a catastrophe to strike, I will not fear. I will not blame, I will not doubt, and I will not question.’”

We would appreciate continued prayers for Dennis’ recovery from surgery and this recent setback. We are still hoping to attend ACA’s graduation on Saturday – keep that in prayer as well! And please pray for his upcoming chemotherapy – that we will not be anxious about the timing and that Dennis will tolerate it well.

With great relief, peace and contentment,

Carolyn

Perfect Trust

2011-06-05T21:43:00.000-07:00

June 5, 2011

I’ve been posting on Facebook this week, but I know not everyone is on Facebook, so thought I’d give an update of where we are at this point.

Dennis is still in the hospital. It’s been a long, rough week. He continued to experience pain early in the week. Pain medication was allowed, but the doctor said he should try to avoid it, as it would continue to slow down his system. He chose to go without it during the day, but asked for it before bed to help him sleep. He was also having throat pain due to the NG tube, so a throat spray was ordered to help with that. He was also encouraged to walk as much as possible. Early in the week he had a real hard time. He got winded very quickly and was exhausted after just a short walk. But I am proud of my husband, he presses on even when it is difficult.

As the week went on he began to feel like he was healing as he was experiencing less pain when getting out of bed and walking. He was able to go for longer walks more often and was less winded when doing so. I also noticed he was standing taller and began to have some life back in his eyes. He said himself on Thursday, I think, that he was beginning to feel stronger.

On either Thursday afternoon or Friday morning (the days kind of ran together for me), the doctor ordered that the NG tube suction should be changed to intermittent instead of on fully all day. Dennis felt a little queasy at first, but gradually began to feel better as the day went on. This was the hardest day for us – we were both really discouraged. Dennis was tired of the NG tube and the discomfort from it. We felt like we were going nowhere fast; there didn’t seem to be a plan in place.

Saturday morning when the doctor came in, Dennis expressed his frustration. The doctor said it was time to take the next step. He ordered the NG tube to be clamped and for the residual stomach contents to be checked every four hours throughout the day. The nurses were encouraging saying that there was very little in the stomach, which was a sign the intestines were absorbing the contents and there was no blockage.

This morning a different doctor came in. He checked the chart to see what had been going on the day before. He said Dennis didn’t need the NG tube anymore and took it out right then. What great relief to have it out and know that we were finally moving forward. Dennis was allowed to begin a liquid diet this morning. He has been doing well all day with his new food intake – he hasn’t eaten anything in a week! He did begin experiencing some pain at the surgery sight after walking today, but it went away with rest. He has some work to do to re-condition himself, but I know with his positive attitude, he will keep at it.

The kids and I spent the last five days at my parents’ house. We are home now so Ellie can return to school this week. It was hard to come home knowing that Dennis is farther away. My parents live 15 minutes from UCI, so I was able to go over twice a day to check in and walk with Dennis. I needed the emotional support and the fun distractions of Grandpa and Grandma’s house were good for the kids. It was a comfortable place for us to be and I am so blessed and so grateful for my parents and their generous hearts. Also grateful for dear friends I can count on to take care of our house and pets when we are away.

I had a lot of frank talks with the Lord this week. Freely expressing all I was feeling; at times just asking for mercy on behalf of my husband, and on my most discouraging night just crying and allowing the Holy Spirit to intercede for me. I am grateful that I have a heavenly Father I can talk to like that. Dennis shared in his interview for the yearbook that he didn’t know how people could endure these kinds of things without faith in Christ. I agree. Although it has been very hard, I have never doubted that God was present in our circumstances. I have always trusted that God, the Great Physician, was the one caring for my husband. When I have felt weak, I’ve gone to the Lord and sought His strength to get through another day. He has been faithful to do it. Sometimes just as I stepped off the elevator, I felt my countenance lifted and I was able to greet Dennis with a smile and give him the encouragement he needed. I was able to meet the needs of the kids when I was with them with joy and energy. I’ve been exhausted every night, but God has provided rest when it was needed.

Charles Swindoll in “Bedside Blessings” wrote, “When we talk about perfect trust, we’re talking about what give us roots, character, the stability to handle the hard times. Trusting God doesn’t alter our circumstances. Perfect trust in Him changes us. It doesn’t make life all rosy and beautiful and neat and lovely and financially secure and comfortable. But trust that is rooted in an abiding faith in God makes all that real in us – secure, relaxed, and calm against insuperable odds.”

I continue to hold on to the belief that God works all things for our good and His glory. Beth Moore reminded me in her book “Praying God’s Word Day by Day” that He “can and will work these terrible challenges for good if I will cooperate with (Him) an see myself as one called according to (His) purpose.”

We continue to ask for prayer for Dennis’ complete healing. Please pray that he will continue to tolerate food well; that his system will begin to function normally; that the pain in his side will disappear; and that he will regain his strength. One very specific thing I would like to ask on his behalf is that he would be able to attend the graduation for ACA this Saturday. It would mean a great deal to him to be able to see his students graduate in person.

Thank you for continuing to encourage us with your emails and comments and for lifting us up in prayer and even asking others we don’t even know to pray for us. I know God is faithful to hear them all, as we always seem to have what we need at the very moment we need it.

In Perfect Trust,

Carolyn

God is our Deliverer

2011-05-31T22:19:00.000-07:00

May 31, 2011

Just wanted to share a quick update and prayer request. Dennis was allowed some pain medication last night and a spray for his throat. His surgeon came to see him today to check in on him. Basically, he said the main culprit to all of this was the large amount of pain meds he was taking once he got home. He encouraged him to do with as little as possible and to walk as much as possible. This is a hard task as Dennis is very weak and weary. His incentive is that once his system begins working, he can have the NG tube removed.

So my prayer request for him is to have the strength, energy and endurance to go without pain medication and to get up and walk and for his system to begin doing its thing!

I also wanted to thank you so much for lifting Dennis up in prayer and for all the encouraging emails and comments on Facebook. I was overwhelmed this morning that so many of you took the time to write something to us. It really helps to know we have people supporting us.

“God is the Deliverer, but we never know how He might deliver us. We see that God always fulfills His promises but not always the way we imagine . . .Praise God, He gives us what we need, not what we want.” –Beth Moore

This Isn't What We Expected

2011-05-30T21:18:00.000-07:00

May 30, 2011

Dennis is in the hospital again. As we were sitting together holding hands in the ER last night, he said the words I was thinking, “This wasn’t what we expected.” That seems to be the theme of the last nine months for us. Last night we were both accepting that this was what the Lord put before us to handle. As Charles Swindoll wrote, “when we know Who, we can stop asking “Why?” By late morning, however, that positive attitude was beginning to waver and I found myself crying out for mercy on behalf of my husband and wondering how much he was going to be expected to handle. It feels like he has endured more than any one person should be asked to bear. But then I thought about Job. And like Job, in spite of all the pain and suffering and setbacks, we will not loose our faith in God and we will find ways to “praise Him in this storm.”

Music ministers to me. As I was driving back and forth to UCI today, songs with very timely lyrics were on the radio: “Our God is Greater” by Chris Tomlin, “Bring the Rain” by Mercy Me, “Praise You in this Storm” by Casting Crowns “Your Love Never Fails” by Jesus Culture and several others that were new to be but all had to do with relying on the Lord in difficult times and how He is able to supply our needs. If anyone wonders why I only listen to Christian music, this is why. Like Scripture, the lyrics to songs often come to mind in times of trial. It encourages my spirit, keeps my eyes on the Lord, and gives me hope to keep on. I continue to believe that God makes all things work together for our good.

But, this update is backwards. Let me explain what happened to Dennis over the weekend. He was discharged from the hospital on Friday. He was still hurting, but pain medication seemed to help him tolerate it okay. On Saturday he was tired, but still hanging in there. By Sunday afternoon, however, he was beginning to experience increased pain and a distended abdomen. By evening he was feeling nauseous. I called and spoke to the surgical on-call doctor. We decided to go the ER.

It was a bit crowded, but thankfully we were able to get a bed fairly quickly. Dennis was given anti-nausea medication as well as medication for the pain. He had a x-ray taken of his abdomen. It was found he had a blockage. From what we were told it was caused by a series of things. Dennis’ body just wasn’t working normally yet. This combined with the constipation effects of the pain medication as well as the amount and type of food he had been eating since coming home led to the blockage.

The remedy for this was to put a tube down to his stomach to extract what was in there. The tube was put through his nose and down his throat. Yes, it was an unpleasant procedure. But within a short time of being hooked up, he began to feel less pressure in his abdomen and was much more comfortable again. We were told he would be admitted to the hospital for 2-3 days to monitor him. It seemed like an easy solution. But it wasn’t what we expected.

I left the hospital about 4:30 a.m. and went back around 9:30 a.m. Dennis was having a hard time. The tube was bothering his throat and he was beginning to experience pain in his abdomen again. This only worsened as the day went on. By the time I went back to see him at 2:30, he was miserable again. There were no orders for pain medication and the nurse had not heard back from the doctor on call. She did say she would try to get an okay for a spray for his throat to ease the pain. It was discouraging to say the least and all I could do as I left was pray for mercy.

I know that God is in the midst of all this. It’s just a little hard to see Him right now. The few hours that Dennis was pain free last night were such a blessing. I could see the relief all over his face. Today he was back to a face with furrowed brows, eyes closed and misery written all over it.

I chuckled to myself that the ER doctor talked about how this was like a flat tire on a road trip. I have used similar analogies before. Lately it seems like we break down and then have to be towed back for repairs before we can continue on. This seems like a major overhaul this time.

Would you please pray with me for Dennis’ comfort from pain; recovery from the surgery and this blockage; for the right doctors to come his way and for them to have God’s wisdom in how to treat him; for me to have wisdom in how best to be his advocate; for our kids to remain relaxed and flexible; for me to get some needed rest tonight in order to be refreshed for tomorrow’s needs.

“Our God is healer, awesome in power, our God, our God.”

Carolyn

God is Faithful

2011-05-24T23:55:00.000-07:00

May 24, 2011 Continued. . .

I was able to see Dennis in recovery following my previous post. He was experiencing some pretty uncomfortable pain, which was not being alleviated by pain medication. Finally, they were able to make him more comfortable and he was able to rest better.

There was also a delay in finding him a room. We were told it could be an hour or morning before he could be moved out of recovery. Thankfully, by 9 p.m. they found a private room for him. He had trouble moving from the gurney to the bed due to the muscle that was cut for the ostomy. When the RN asked him about his pain, Dennis said that as long as he didn’t move he was okay. But even sitting up to take his pain medicine hurt quite a bit.

I left him at 9:30 to try and get some sleep. He was relieved to have the surgery over with, but also very tired. Please continue to pray for his recovery. The healing of his abdominal muscle may be a bit rough on him.

I read this tonight in Beth Moore's book "To Live is Christ":

"Never underestimate the effects of intercessory prayer lifted for our deliverance. Never underestimate the effects of prayers for others. . . With great thanksgiving let's acknowledge God as the Deliverer. He can deliver anyone from anything at anytime. He doesn't need any help. Yet He invites us to be part of His great work through prayer. If we don't intercede for one another, we miss opportunities to see His deliverance and thank Him for His faithfulness. . . When we pray for one another, we share the blessings when deliverance comes because we've been personally involved. Their thanksgiving becomes our thanksgiving. . . A thankful heart is not the only result of effective intercessory prayer; our faith in what God can do in our own lives is also strengthened. . . God's glory and power does not waver from one child to the next. He can just as surely deliver you as He delivered the apostle Paul."

Thank you for joining with us in prayer through this journey. Your prayers have been felt and we have surely seen God's deliverance of Dennis from cancer and in each difficult phase of this journey. May your faith be strengthened and may you also be able to trust that Lord can deliver you from any trials that you may face in your own life whatever they may be.

Again, to God be the glory!

To God Be The Glory

2011-05-24T17:41:00.001-07:00

May 24, 2011

Had a bit of frustrating morning. Dennis was scheduled for surgery at noon. We arrived at 10 a.m. The surgery before his took longer than expected and Dennis wasn’t taken back for surgery until about 2:40 this afternoon. Was told a little after 4 p.m. that they were closing him up and I spoke to the surgeon around 4:30. Dr. Pigazzi said everything went fine and Dennis should have no problems with recovery. Big sigh of relief! Sometimes things don’t always go according to plan, but I am grateful that I always have the hope of the Lord in all circumstances.

I was blessed to spend time waiting with my sister-in-law, Dyan, and brother-in-law, Dennis. They happened to be here for my brother-in-law. He recently found out he has stomach cancer and was referred here for treatment. It is comforting to know that God holds us in His hands and has a plan and purpose for all things that come into our lives. And regardless of the way God chooses to work things out in our lives, we have the hope of eternity with Christ. It is comforting to speak with others who understand this and to be able to encourage one another with this hope.

This was a big step toward the end of Dennis’ treatment. He will be in the hospital for 2-3 days. He’ll still need to take it easy for several weeks to allow his stomach muscle to heal fully, but I know he will just be happy to be done with his ostomy bag. Thank you for your prayers. Please keep his recovery in prayer!

“In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.” These trials have come, the Scripture says, “so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine” (1 Peter 1:6,7). This genuine, refined by fire, holding-on-for-dear-life faith will result in praise and glory to Christ.” -Nicole Johnson

To God be the glory!
Carolyn

Still Hanging On!

2011-05-23T13:40:00.000-07:00

May 23, 2011

Well, we finally made it . . .6 ½ weeks post surgery #1 and Dennis will be having surgery #2 tomorrow to reverse his ostomy. He is scheduled for surgery at noon. He is grateful for no prep this time - he just can’t eat after midnight. We would appreciate your prayers for tomorrow as well as for Dennis’ recovery. He is expected to be in the hospital until Friday.

It’s been a long, difficult journey these past six weeks. I recently read something by Beth Moore in her book “To Live is Christ” that seemed to describe our situation.

She wrote, “We sometimes feel as if we’re playing tug-of-war with God. In bitter tears we sometimes let go of the rope, tumble to the ground, and cry, ‘Have your way, God! You’re going to do what You want anyway!’ God is not playing a game. He doesn’t jerk on the rope just so He can win. In fact, He doesn’t want us to let go of the rope at all. Rather than see us drop the rope and give up, He wants us to hang on and let Him pull us over to His side. God’s will is always best even when we cannot imagine how. Surrendering to His will does not mean you lose. Ultimately, it means you win. Keep hanging on to that rope and let Him pull you over to His side. One day you’ll understand. And you’ll see His glory.”

There have been times when we were tugging on the rope, wanting our way. Then I admit I think we dropped the rope in discouragement and said, “Fine!” But finally, as we committed ourselves to being patient and persevering in Christ, we were able to pick up the rope again and allow God to pull us over to His side; allowing us to rest in His peace; trusting that His way was best. Waiting was necessary for a better future outcome for Dennis. And here we are. The last couple of weeks have gone by smoother and a bit more quickly than we expected.

So with this surgery, we feel like Dennis will finally be able to recover fully from the first surgery. After about three weeks, he will begin his last chemotherapy. But we won’t worry about that just yet; one thing at a time!

Thank you for your prayers these past weeks and for tomorrow. The enemy “would rather that we do anything than pray” (Beth Moore); so thank you for being so faithful to walk this journey with us in prayer. We have continued to feel God’s presence in the midst of the storms because of the prayers of the saints. I will let you all know how it goes tomorrow.

Blessings,
Carolyn

Patience and Perseverance

2011-05-08T23:52:00.001-07:00

May 8, 2011

Last week Dennis had an appointment with both the oncologist, Dr. Zel, and the surgeon, Dr. Pigazzi. Dr. Zel shared with Dennis that he had initially been diagnosed with stage 3 cancer. We had never really been told that before, so didn’t realize just how advanced the cancer was. As Dr. Zel looked over the results of the biopsy from surgery, he shared that he had another patient who is also on the same treatment protocol as Dennis and who is also having good results. He made a comment that the protocol is “magic”. Dennis said it was a miracle. We were discussing all of this later while waiting for the surgeon. It is interesting how people choose to view outcomes. The doctors give credit to the medicine. We choose to give all the glory to God. We know that God can heal people instantly- miraculously; and we know He can heal through medicine. But ultimately, He is the Great Physician. As we have let it soak in how real and dangerous this cancer was, we are even more grateful for how God has chosen to intervene in Dennis’ life.

Our next appointment was a long wait - again! I guess God is working on our patience. While Dr. Stamos is a “go-getter”, Dr. Pigazzi is more conservative. Dr. Stamos had led us to believe Dennis could have surgery this week. Dr. Pigazzi, however, said we should wait until 6 weeks at the earliest (maybe 8!) to let the surgery site heal completely. I must say this was disheartening! The earliest date available is Tuesday, May 24. The surgery will be an hour and a half laparoscopic procedure. He will look at the surgery site first to be sure it looks healed. If not, he won’t continue. Needless to say, this is a big matter of prayer.

Early last week I had the flu and spent two days in bed. Dennis was well enough to care for the kids, but by the end of the week he was in discomfort again. It has continued and he seemed worse today. I feel like God is also working on our perseverance. As tired as Dennis is of hurting; I am getting worn down seeing him hurt and doing the work of two. It is a little depressing in fact to have him home, but not able to participate in family life. The kids and I carry on as normal without expecting him to be able to join us. While I know the solitude at times is more restful, I know he wishes he could join in. I don’t like that I am getting used to this. I admit that I am anxious to get our life back.

This morning our pastor taught about persecution in Matthew 5:10-12. He made the statement that the Christian life not easy. Jesus warned us that we would have tribulation (John 16:33). Whether we are being persecuted specifically for our faith, or we are enduring hardships of this world, we have the benefit of the Lord’s work in our lives to help us endure. I spent some time studying the concepts of patience and perseverance tonight and this is what I found the most encouraging:

James 1:2-4 says, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

Warren Wiersbe writes in his New Testament Commentary that “outlook determines outcome, and attitude determines action. . . We cannot always expect everything to go our way. Some trials come simply because we are human - sickness, accidents, disappointments, even seeming tragedies. Other trials come because we are Christians. . . The trials of life are not all alike; they are like variegated yarn that the weaver uses to make a beautiful rug. God arranges and mixes the colors and experiences of life. The final product is a beautiful thing for His glory. . . When we face the trials of life, we must evaluate them in the light of what God is doing for us. This explains why the dedicated Christian can have joy in the midst of trials: he lives for the things that matter most. . . Our values determine our evaluations. If we value comfort more than character, then trials will upset us. If we value the material and physical more than the spiritual, we will not be able to ‘count it all joy.’ If we live only for the present and forget the future, then trials will make us bitter, not better. . .Look at trials through the eyes of faith. Outlook determines outcome; to end with joy, begin with joy.”

He goes on to say that “faith is always tested. . . God always tests us to bring out the best. . . Testing works for us, not against us. . . God’s approval of our faith is precious because it assures us that our faith is genuine. ‘And we know that in all things God works for the good’ (Romans 8:28). . . Trials rightly used help us to mature. What does God want to produce in our lives? Patience, endurance, and the ability to keep going when things are tough (Romans 5:3-4). In the Bible, patience is not a passive acceptance of circumstances, it is a courageous perseverance in the face of suffering and difficulty. Immature people are always impatient; mature people are patient and persistent. Impatience and unbelief usually go together, just as faith and patience do. . . God wants to make us patient because that is the key to every other blessing. . . When the believer learns to wait on the Lord, then God can do great things for him. . . The only way God can develop patience and character in our lives is through trials. Endurance (must be learned through the difficulties of life, trusting God, and obeying Him.)

And finally, Wiersbe writes, “God cannot build our character without our cooperation. . . God wants a perfect work; He wants a finished product that is mature and complete. . . God must work in us before He can work through us. . . The mature person does not argue with God’s will; instead, he accepts willingly and obeys it joyfully. . . If we try to go through trials without surrendered will, we will end up more like immature children than mature adults. . . God uses trials to wean us away from childish things; but if we do not surrender to Him, we will become even more immature.”

We both desire to be mature, so we accept this time of testing, knowing that we are going to grow through it. Admittedly, it is not always with joy in the present; but at those times we focus on the future joy of life beyond cancer treatment.

To finish up, we would ask that you would continue to pray
*for Dennis’ daily comfort
*for his complete healing at the surgery site
*for the ostomy reversal to be able to take place on May 24 as planned
*for the surgery to go well
*for Dennis’ recovery from this next surgery to be easy.
*for God’s work of patience and perseverance to continue in us

Thank you so much for persevering on this journey with us through your prayers. God is good and is at work in us. We will finish the race!

Running with endurance!
Carolyn

Finding Joy Again

2011-04-29T09:32:00.000-07:00

April 29, 2011

As I wrote before, Dennis had surgery on Thursday, April 7. The surgery itself went well. Dr. Stamos, our surgeon, said afterward that there was no visible signs of cancer. Dennis did end up with the ostomy as a precaution. He had a rough time after surgery with pain, but by Saturday was able to get up and around. He came home on Tuesday, April 12. Following his homecoming we received a call from Dr. Stamos that the biopsy revealed no cancer. The radiation and chemotherapy had done their job. This was very good news. The several days following surgery he was experiencing enough pain to require the prescription pain medication that had been prescribed. He spent most of his time upstairs, but was able to navigate up and down the stairs to eat meals with us and get drink refills. A home health care nurse has been provided to come twice a week to help Dennis change the ostomy bag. He was disappointed to have had to have the ostomy, but we trusted that it was for the best. While not pleasant, Dennis was dealing with it as best he could.

Last Monday, April 18, the nurse noticed Dennis’ skin was beginning to redden a bit. As the week went on Dennis began to experience pain around the ostomy site. By Thursday night it was really bothering him and he changed the bag on his own to discover the skin was even redder. The kids and I came home from Good Friday service the next day to find Dennis with the nurse and in agony. While that may sound like an exaggeration, it is not. Dennis said later it was the worst pain he had ever felt in his life. We quickly gathered things up and head to UCI. We first went to the ER but were than able to take him over to the clinic to see an ostomy nurse. Basically, due to the placement and shape of the stoma, Dennis losing weight, changes in his tissue, and the type of bag being used leakage was occurring that caused the skin condition. The ostomy nurse was able to treat his skin with medicated powder and topical anesthetic. She also found a different bag, made some other improvements and gave us some suggestions. She said it would likely take two weeks for the skin to heal. While he was more comfortable, Dennis was still feeling enough pain to keep him in bed over the weekend and into this week. Any movement irritated the site and it was just easier to stay in a reclined position. Mentally, this was all beginning to take a toll on both of us.

This Wednesday, the 27th, Dennis had a follow-up appointment with Dr. Stamos. Because the doctor had been gone for two weeks, he had scheduled all of his critical patients to be seen on this day. To say he was overbooked is an understatement. We were there for 4 ½ hours! When Dennis was finally able to be seen, Dr. Stamos found that he is healing well. He said that since Dennis was having problems with the ostomy we could plan for surgery sooner rather than later. Since this doctor’s schedule is so busy these days, he is going to have Dr. Pigazzi, the surgeon who did the robotic part of the first surgery, do the reversal. We will meet with him next Wednesday, May 4. Surgery will hopefully be the following week (2nd week of May). We should find out the exact date next week. Dennis also saw the ostomy nurse again. She examined the site and found that it was beginning to heal. Yesterday he was finally feeling more comfortable. He even drove himself to the lab for a test and then to Home Depot. Early this morning, however, Dennis woke up with pain again - the bag is coming loose and causing some leakage. Our nurse had a critical patient last night and over-slept. She is on her way, so will be able to get him back together. Another bump in the road!

If you read my blog post on Friday, you know that I was experiencing a lot of emotions in regards to Dennis. At the Good Friday service, our pastor of course spoke about Christ’s suffering on the cross and how Christ willingly chose to experience it in order that we could have salvation from our sins. I did not expect to come home and have such a personal experience with extreme suffering. Dennis commented later that it was interesting he had experienced such pain on Good Friday. I couldn’t help but think of all the Scriptures I’ve been reading these past 8 months about sharing in Christ’s suffering. I admit that I was not counting it joy, I was angry at the whole situation; angry that my husband was having to endure all of this.

And on Easter Sunday our pastor chose to focus on the women who came to the tomb to find Jesus was gone. He talked about how they had witnessed Christ’s suffering on the cross and were the ones to first discover He had risen. And how Mary was the first to see him. How I identified with those women and their experience in witnessing Christ’s pain. And like the women at the tomb, I have begun to experienced more relief and peace as Dennis has begun to heal and feel more comfortable. However, the enemy has been at work here the past 10 days.

I just read a quote from Beth Moore that read, “If the enemy cannot take away our victory - he will then try to take away our joy IN the victory. He won’t let us celebrate it.” This is exactly how I have been feeling. We have victory over cancer, but it has been hard for me to experience true joy in that victory when Dennis is in such discomfort and I know that we are not finished yet. There is another surgery and more chemo after that. I feel like we have been fighting a mental battle, having to force ourselves to focus on truth instead of lies. I am grateful that we have grown in our faith enough to recognize these things and to work ourselves out of the enemy’s trap, but we are definitely battle-weary and in need of some respite. Gratefully, that seems to be on its way.

I had lots of time to read on Wednesday! I took along my Beth Moore book, “To Live is Christ”, about the life of Paul. Paul of course experienced a great deal of suffering in his ministry for the Gospel. As I was reading about Paul’s visits to “Iconnium (where he departed prior to suffering)” and to “Lystra (where he departed after suffering)”, Beth Moore explained the definition of the original word for “rescue”. It didn’t mean to just deliver, it meant “drawing to oneself”. She writes, “You see, God wasn’t only interested in drawing Paul out of difficulty or danger. He wanted to draw Paul closer to Himself. Every time God delivers us, the point is ultimately to draw us closer to Himself. Whether we get to avoid pain and suffering or we must persevere in the midst of it, our deliverance comes when we’re dragged from the enemy of our souls to the heart of God.” As believers, this is what Dennis and I desire more than anything - to be in close proximity to “the heart of God.”

In another chapter, Beth Moore spoke about Hebrews 10:32-33, “Sometimes you were publicly exposed to insult and persecution; at other times you stood side by side with those who were so treated.” She then went on to talk about Paul and Silas being flogged for their Jewish heritage. While Paul experienced the flogging himself, he also stood alongside Silas as he received the same beating. And of course Timothy and Luke were bystanders as well. Beth Moore writes, “Scripture (acknowledges) the authentic pain a person experiences when a friend or loved one suffers. God is very aware that standing close to someone who is hurting hurts! He does it every day. Whether we are the ones suffering or we’re alongside another, His grace is sufficient for our need.” I have felt guilty at times for feeling so weary when I am not the one going through all of this. I guess I needed this reminder that it’s okay to hurt for the one who is hurting. God surely felt pain when His Son was suffering on the cross. Seeing the person you love most in the world is nothing less than horrible. While I have struggled these past several days, I am finding that God’s grace is sufficient. He is meeting our needs.

We continue to covet your prayers. Would you join us in praying for the following:

*for continued healing of the skin around the ostomy site
*for a close surgery date
*for strength of mind, body and spirit
*for the enemy to be bound from our home and God’s spirit to flood us with His peace

Thank you!

Finding Joy Again,
Carolyn

"He's Still in Charge"

2011-04-22T23:37:00.000-07:00

April 22, 2011

“Surprises are a part of God’s plan. They remind us He’s still in charge.”

I read this quote the other day from Charles Swindoll. I’m beginning to dislike surprises. I’m an organizer. I like to plan, make lists, and do things in a logical, methodical way. While this skill might look good on a job application and work well for someone who was a teacher or who serves in various ministries or is now a stay-at-home mom, in the journey of life it can be a hindrance. I admit, I don’t always like being flexible. I like to be in control of my environment.

Dennis’ cancer diagnosis has taken me far from my comfort zone. There have been so many things that have been far from my ability to control. And with each event, I have been reminded that God is indeed in control. It’s forced me to lay down my burdens at His feet, to trust Him to provide, to hope fully in Him. So when I read in 1 Peter 1:6,7:

“In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine ad may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.”

I “get” that trials are worthwhile. I’m in the midst of them and I understand that they are stretching me, deepening my faith, teaching me things. . .

But today, I am struggling with them and I have to admit I am angry. Not necessarily angry at God, just angry. The other day I shared a quote from Charles Swindoll on Facebook:

"Life and pain are synonymous. You cannot have one without the other. Pain is a fact of life in this fallen world, and we cannot escape it. In fact, the goal in life is not to get away from the pain of it, but to endure through it, in fact, to triumph over it, while learning the lessons only pain can teach us someone put it. 'Pain is inevitable. Misery is optional.' Since we cannot get free of pain, the secret of successful living is finding ways to live above the level of misery. Indeed, we must."

Today Dennis experienced a level of pain I have never seen in him. For several reasons, the skin around his ostomy bag became severely inflamed. The kids and I came home from Good Friday service to find Dennis upstairs with the home health care nurse in agony. We decided to take him to UCI to get some help. We made it to triage in the ER before we got a call from our surgeon’s nurse to come over to the clinic to see an ostomy nurse. She was able to soothe the area with some various medicated powders and ointments. She also gave him a different type of bag which she felt would seal better around his stoma. We were given some other advice that might make things go a bit better as well. But she did say that it could be up to two weeks before the skin is fully healed.

The very thing we had prayed for not to happen did - Dennis ended up with an ostomy. He has been bothered dealing with it from an aesthetic point of view. This week especially he seemed very depressed - “out of sorts” he described it. Then he developed this painful skin irritation. Pain itself and learning to endure and overcome it may teach us things. But I don’t want to see my husband go through any more pain; especially not at this level.

I do believe that God has been and is at work in Dennis‘ life. I have to believe that God put it on the surgeon’s mind to do the ostomy because in the end it was for Dennis’ good.
But right now in the midst of this, after seeing him suffer so today, I am angry about it. I don’t want him to have to endure any more.

.I read a quote from Beth Moore recently that said, “If you dare to believe and don’t get your miracle, God has a greater one planned, stay tuned.” So I stop and consider. . . We didn’t get our “miracle” of no ostomy, and it’s been hard for Dennis; but we did get our “miracle” of a no cancer report. And that is the ultimate goal in all of this - for Dennis to be cancer free.

This has been a difficult week. I believe the enemy is at work here. He is taking advantage of our weakened state to try to gain a victory in our home. And although it’s been hard, I’ve not given up the good fight.

The anger is still here, but has subsided a bit. I still trust God. I still hope in Him. I will continue to pray without ceasing for my husband. I will spend time daily in God’s Word. I will keep my eye on the hope of the future. I will continue to count down the days and weeks and look at what has been accomplished instead of what is to come. I will serve my husband and encourage him to the best of my ability. It’s all I know how to do.

“Simply to the cross I cling. Letting go of all earthly things. I’m clinging to the cross.”

We sang this song at church the Sunday after Dennis’ diagnosis. I remember thinking that I had to release Dennis to the Lord; to trust Him with Dennis’ life. I do it again, trusting that He has something greater planned than we can see at this time.

Please keep Dennis in your prayers - for healing, comfort from pain, and rest.

Clinging,
Carolyn

Good Friday

2011-04-22T22:35:00.001-07:00

Good Friday . . . The day we remember Christ’s willingness to suffer and die for our sins. I took the kids to noon service planning to serve in child care if needed, but was blessed instead with the opportunity to attend the service. I always cringe when being reminded of the suffering Christ endured. It was humiliating, intense, exhausting, excruciating. And we ask ourselves why? Why did He have to go through so much? The answer to that question is . . . Me. I am the reason He experienced all of that. And while it baffles me that my Savior endured that for me, it also humbles me at the same time.

As a parent, I know the love I have for my children would cause me to choose pain for myself over them experiencing it. I have felt physical affects when I’ve seen my children fall and hurt themselves. There is an inner angst, a twisting, a shudder. I experienced it today with my husband. . . A physical response to his pain, withdrawing as he did, cringing, increased heart rate, hardly able to stay in my seat. . .

But as our pastor shared, Christ at any time could have used his authority and power to wipe out all who mocked and mistreated Him and kept Himself from enduring all of it. But He didn’t . . . because He loved us that much. He was able to see past the pain and agony to the final glory . . . Returning to His Father in Heaven and saving man from his sin.

And that is where the “good “ in Good Friday enters in. . . Christ’s suffering for our good. His pain was our eternal gain . . . The chance to have a restored relationship with our heavenly Father. How can we not be drawn to someone who would sacrifice His very life for us?

While life is admittedly difficult for us at this time, It is to the cross I cling because I know that is where my hope is found. As Christ looked ahead to better things, so I will continue to trust Him for a better future.

Thank you Jesus for suffering and dying on the cross for me. Thank you, Father, for raising your Son from the grave and allowing me the opportunity to be your child. Holy Spirit, help me to live in such a way that Christ’s sacrifice may be honored and glorified.

Looking forward to Sunday. . . Because He is risen!. . . He is risen indeed!

Rejoicing!

2011-04-14T22:03:00.001-07:00

April 14, 2011

It’s been one week since Dennis’ surgery. I was planning to write an update to let everyone know how he was doing. Even better than how well he is doing with his recovery, I have news from the surgeon. Dr. Stamos called early this evening to let us know that the pathology report came back and it revealed NO CANCER! There was nothing found in the lymph nodes; all was completely clean. He said the chemotherapy and radiation had done their job. We are letting out a big sigh of relief. This is what we have been praying for all these months.

Dennis has been home for three days now. He spent much of Tuesday sleeping. Yesterday and today he was more rested after having a couple good nights of sleep. He is still in some discomfort, but the pain medication is helping. He is able to eat a fairly regular diet - there are only some restrictions due to his ostomy bag. We have been authorized to have a home healthcare nurse come out for ten visits. She came today for the first time to check on his incisions, change one of his dressings and change his ostomy bag. This will be a big help to Dennis as the changing of the bag is a bit of a process. While he is spending most of the day upstairs, he does navigate the stairs well and comes down several times during the day for meals, snacks, and drink refills.

In spite of the good report, Dennis is still not completely done with treatment. Once the sight of surgery is healed, in about six weeks, he will have another surgery to reverse the ostomy. He will then need to complete two more months of chemotherapy as a final step of recovery.

Dennis had gained encouragement from Philippians 1:19-26 back at the beginning of this journey.

"For I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your joy in Christ Jesus will overflow on account of me." (Phil. 1: 19-26)

I expected verses 25-26 to be true for Dennis as I think he did for himself, but there was always that unknown. As various things ended up different than we had expected at times, I was ever mindful that God was still in control and would fulfill His plan for Dennis. It appears that Dennis will in fact “remain, and (he) will continue with all of (us).” And I know that because of what God has done in his life and because of the example of faith that he has been to us that our “progress and joy in the faith” will continue. And there is not doubt that “(my) joy in Christ Jesus (is) overflow(ing) on account of (him).”

Rejoicing!
Carolyn

Carrying the Lord's Yoke

2011-04-10T21:56:00.000-07:00

I freely admit that I am deeply connected to my husband and kids. When they hurt, I hurt. Seeing my husband in pain has been difficult. I love caring for my family and when there is nothing I can do for them, it is hard for me.

I woke up Saturday morning feeling so heavy of heart and overwhelmed, wondering how Dennis would ever be able to come home in three days. I spoke to my mom a bit – knowing that she understood since she experienced caring for my dad after his heart attack. I was glad to know that I wasn’t alone in feeling these things; my mom had too. After our mini-chat, I headed out to the hospital. I cried and prayed all the way there. By the time I got there and walked over to the hospital from the parking structure, I was feeling a bit more peaceful. I knew I had to trust God to get us through this.

I walked into Dennis’ room to find him getting settled in a chair. He had walked up and down the hall right before I got there. I was overcome with emotion again, but in a good way this time.

I shouldn’t have been surprised because people far and wide are praying for Dennis and God has proved over and over again that He is ever present with us. I was like Peter in the midst of the storm again, looking at the circumstances around me instead of focusing on the Lord and trusting Him. Why did I doubt that the God who had done so much so far would not answer our prayer for less pain and healing? The flesh is weak. The enemy is vigilant.

As I left the hospital that morning, I thought of Matthew 11:29-30. This verse says, “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your soul. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Warren Wiersbe writes that while the Pharisees all said, “Do!” Jesus says, “Come!” “To come to Him means to trust Him. This invitation is open to those who are exhausted and burdened down.” This was referring to the people trying to follow the Law, but it expresses how I was feeling following my wayward thought patterns of fear, worry and anxiety instead of “coming” to the Lord with them. When I did, He was faithful to meet me where I was and give me peace.

He goes on to write about “Take.” Wiersbe says, “This is a deeper experience. When we come to Christ by faith, He gives us rest. When we take His yoke and learn, we find rest, that deeper rest of surrender and obedience. The first is ‘peace with God’ (Rom. 5:1); the second is ‘the peace of God’ (Phil. 4:6-8). To ‘take a yoke’ in that day meant to become a disciple. When we submit to Christ, we are yoked to Him. The word easy means ‘well-fitting’; He has just the yoke that is tailor-made for our lives and needs. The burden of doing His will is not a heavy one. (John 5:3).” God knows what we can handle and knows what is best for us. Sometimes this includes pain and trials. But if we are faithful to trust in Him and receive what He gives us, the burden will not be a heavy one, but a light one. I am glad to trade my burdensome yoke of fear, worry and anxiety for one of peace.

Lastly, Wiersbe covered the idea of “learn”. “The first two commands represent a crisis as we come and yield to Christ, but this step is a process. As we learn more about Him, we find deeper peace, because we trust Him more. Life is simplified and unified around the person of Christ. This invitation is for ‘all’ – not just for the people of Israel (Matt. 10:5-6). The journey we have been on has certainly been a process. I am constantly learning more about the Lord and His work in our lives. I will never fully “get it” this side of heaven, but at least I am forever moving forward; in spite of an occasional step or two back.

As I drove home that day I heard Mercy Me’s song “Only Temporary”. I’ve shared verses from this song before. This time the ones that stood out to me were:

“Don't let the situation get to you

This is not a hill worth dying on

Don't let these circumstances tear your heart in two

Soon enough this chapter will be gone

What's insurmountable today

Will surely one day fade away”

As God showed me, Dennis circumstances have been improving; they are not insurmountable – we are getting through them. The difficulty will fade away over time. And as my dad reminded me last night – come Christmas we will be sitting around their house enjoying the day, and not dwelling on this difficult time.

As we continue our journey, I know there are more lessons to learn and that our faith will continue to grow. I am grateful God loves us enough to want us to be better than we are today.

Focusing on Hope

2011-04-08T21:35:00.000-07:00

April 8, 2011

I called the hospital this morning and was able to talk to Dennis. He had been moved to his room around 10 p.m. last night. He was still experiencing pain, but it was being managed much better. He still wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything yet. He sounded tired, but was able to carry on a full conversation - which was more than he could do last night.

I went to see him late morning. It was such a relief. He was still experiencing discomfort and looked really tired, but he was sitting up watching TV. He is hooked up to all kinds of different machines. His lifeline is the epidural. He is allowed to push for medicine every ten minutes and he has needed to. By then he was allowed to sip water and eat some Jell-O. He had a moment of nausea, but it passed. I only stayed for about an hour since he was so sleepy.

I spent some time at my parents' house talking with my grandma and then doing schoolwork with the kids. I went back to the hospital around 3:30. He was watching golf. The staff wanted him to try to get up, so he got up out of bed, stood for a minute and then sat in a chair for quite some time. We talked and watched TV for a while. He was getting tired around 6 p.m., so after he got back in bed, I left him. The pain medicine makes him tired. And he can't get any real sleep with people coming in to check on him all the time.

He is very discouraged about his ostomy bag. I reminded him that almost everything so far has been in 6-week increments, so we would cross off the days and count down the weeks like we've done before. Tomorrow when I go to visit we have to watch a DVD on the care of his bag and on Monday we will meet with the nurse specialist for some training.

Dennis called tonight to say good night to the kids. He said he had been feeling nauseous, so the nurse gave him something to help calm his stomach. He was also glad to hear that he wouldn’t be bothered so much tonight – just around midnight for a vitals check. Hopefully he’ll be able to get some real rest.

My emotions are still bubbling over. I am so grateful for Dennis’ reduced pain and for the positive report from the surgeon. I was relieved to see him doing so much better. I am happy that the kids have done so well with my parents. Dennis’ recovery from cancer is our ultimate goal and it is getting closer. I am praying for the ability to continue to encourage him, especially during this difficult recovery time. I had a few Scriptures on hope come to mind and found a couple others while I was looking them up. Here are the ones that really spoke to me tonight:

“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.” Isaiah 40:31a

“For I know the plans I have for you, . . . plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

Please continue to pray for Dennis’ pain management and for his recovery.

Hopeful,

Carolyn

Experiencing God's Portion

2011-04-07T22:22:00.000-07:00

April 7, 2011

Here’s a run down of how our day went. We arrived at the hospital at 5:40 a.m. Dennis was taken back for pre-op at about 6 a.m. I was allowed to go in with him around 6:30 a.m. He was given an epidural and taken to surgery at 7:45 a.m. I was very emotional I must admit.

My sister-in-law, Carol joined me around 9 a.m. After about 4 hours, I was paged and they let me know that surgery was still going on, but everything was going well. At 1:45 - 6 hours after they took him in to surgery, I was paged to meet with the surgeon. Dr. Stamos said the surgery went well. They removed the affected area and opened it up. There was scarring from the radiation, but no visible signs of cancer. Biopsies will be done to determine if any microscopic cells remain. The attachment seemed to be good, airtight he said. But he did decide to do the ostomy bag “to be wise”. We both said at about the same time that we knew Dennis would be disappointed. Dennis will have this for 6 weeks. The surgeon said Dennis would be in recovery for about an hour and a half.

After waiting 2 hours and not hearing anything, I went to find out what was taking so long. He hadn’t been registered as being in recovery until 3:00, so I was told another half hour. At 4:30 I was paged and told that he was in a lot of pain and I couldn’t go back yet. My anxiety level shot up and the emotions rose to the surface. I hated the idea that my hubby was in pain. At 5:00 we were finally taken back to see him “for a few minutes”. Dennis was still in pain, but he had rated it at only a 4 where as earlier it had been a confirmed 10. The nurse didn’t know when he would have a room, but said probably not for quite a while.

We needed to get our cars from valet parking before 6 p.m.., so Carol decided she would go. I moved my car to the parking structure and waited and waited and waited. Finally, at about 7:30 p.m. I decided I would wait until 8:00 p.m. and then ask to see Dennis one more time before I headed out to my parents’ house. They let me back and I was disheartened to find out that Dennis remained in pain still, but now from his back. He had been moved from the gurney to a regular hospital bed, they had increased his epidural, but because he was still hurting, the doctor had been paged to see if they could give him something else until the epidural began to work. He was also very dry-mouthed, but they wouldn’t let him have any water. He had to make due with the little sponge soaked in water. I asked the nurse why his back would be hurting - if it was common after surgery. She said it might have been due to being in the gurney for so long. She hoped he would be more comfortable soon and in a room by the end of the night.

I will be perfectly honest and tell you that I was so discouraged today. It seemed like nothing went according to plan. The things we had so specifically prayed for - no ostomy bag and minimal pain - were ignored. It is deeply troubling to see your kids or your spouse in such pain. I admit that I cried out to God and asked Him why? - why did Dennis have to endure these things?; after all he’s been through, why did he have to hurt so much? And then the Lord directed my mind to my Esther study that I had just worked on earlier in the day.

Psalm 16:5-6 reads, “Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.”

Bethe Moore had this to say regarding this Scripture, “No matter what life - or Satan himself - hands us, the favor God has on His children causes that ‘lot’ to tumble out on the table in such a way that, instead of destruction, the child will discover that her portion turned into destiny one trusting step at a time. When all is said and done, she will see that the portion God assigned her was good. Right. Rich. Full of purpose. ‘The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot.’ (English Standard Version) . . . Instead of falling apart, your lines are all starting to fall together. Piece by piece. Glimpse by glance. What a beautiful inheritance you have!”

One thing I forgot to mention from my conversation with the surgeon is that he said he expected Dennis to make a full recovery. It brings tears to my eyes now - this is ultimately what we have been praying for. These difficult things are the speed bumps in the journey we have been on. God’s favor is still on Dennis. He will not be destroyed from cancer or an ostomy bag or pain. The portion God has for him is going to fall into place “piece by piece”.

Later in my study Beth Moore made a connection among the following Scripture:

Ephesians 1:11 - “In Him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will.”

Philippians 2:13 - “For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.”

Romans 8:28 - “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Beth Moore writes, “God not only promises that He ‘works out everything’ (Eph. 1:11) ‘according to His good purpose’ (Phil. 2:13). He promises that ‘in all things God works for (our) good’ (Rom. 8:28). In other words, every time He shifts us here or moves us there on this earthbound chessboard, He’s not just fulfilling His own pleasure regardless of its impact on you. He’s also working every detail - even the dreadful ones - to your and my good. In three sides of one perfect whole, Ephesians 1:11 tells us God’s providence is at work universally, Philippians 2:13 tells us God’s providence is at work personally, and Romans 8:28 tells us God’s providence is at work beneficially. . . and not just for Him but mercifully for us too. Providence cancels out every coincidence. . . God knows. God sees. God acts.”

This triangle of Scriptures reminds me that God is indeed “working every detail - even the dreadful” (bag and pain) - for Dennis’ good. God’s providence is at work in Dennis. God does indeed know Dennis. God does see Dennis. And I believe He is and will continue to act on Dennis’ behalf.

She also shared an inscription found on the prison wall of a concentration camp:

“I believe in the sun, even when it is not shining.
I believe in love, even when I do not feel it.
I believe in God, even when He is silent.”

She added that “God never writes a story without a good ending.” Although it seems at this time that the end of Dennis’ cancer story will be healing, we know that even if it ended differently, it would still end good because Dennis would be healed in the arms of the Lord. And even though I did not feel the Son or God’s love today for a time, I still believed that God was there, listening to me, concerned about Dennis and that He would help him.

So, that was our surgery day. Now that I can “wrap (my) mind around the favor that God has had on (Dennis) and the richness of the portion He assigned to (him) even through disaster, (I) can’t help but share (our) portion with (you).” (-Beth Moore)

Please be in prayer for Dennis
*To have his pain eased
*for acceptance of his ostomy bag and for patience in dealing with it for the next 6 weeks
*For no infection and perfect healing
*For rest tonight for all of us

Thank you for the prayers and words of encouragement we received throughout the day. The next several days are going to be challenging, but we will make it.

Trusting in God’s portion,
Carolyn

Thoughts From the Heart

2011-04-06T22:39:00.000-07:00

April 6, 2011

The day before surgery. To think this was what we were so anxious for 6 months ago. How grateful I am that the Lord laid on our hearts to do the treatment first as I know it will make the surgery easier on Dennis. We had a couple changes to our original plans.

My grandma turned 88 on Saturday and to celebrate being another year older, she ended up in the emergency room with low blood pressure and high blood sugar. No real cause was discovered. She recently changed blood pressure medicine, so it is felt that that may have been the cause. She is doing better - stronger and more steady on her feet. She will begin taking her previous blood pressure medication tomorrow. Because of this, she has been staying at my parent’s house. So to make it easier on my mom, we decided that it might be better for the kids to spend the night there tonight instead of having my mom come here.

Our kids have never spent the night away from home without us. They have never expressed an interest to do so and when they had the chance last summer, they wanted me to stay with them. But I know the Lord was at work in them because when I mentioned it to them a couple days ago, they were both excited about it. That excitement extended into today. I stayed until bedtime, did devotions and stories with them as well as prayed with them. Josh seemed very comfortable. Ellie seemed a bit uncertain. I admit that I shed some tears on the way home. But I prayed that God would be there comfort tonight and I felt at peace. Then I realized I was in the carpool lane on the 91 freeway ALONE! Oops, habit!

The other change isn’t so significant. We got a reminder call from UCI this afternoon. They let us know that we didn’t need to be at the hospital until 6 a.m. instead of 5 a.m. Another hour of sleep! If we can sleep!

Dennis did okay with his pre-op prep this afternoon/evening. He had to mix a very large bottle of Miralax (510 g) with a gallon of Gatorade and drink a glass every 10 minutes within a three hour period. He’s still feeling the effects even at 10:30 tonight. Hoping he’ll be able to go to bed soon.

My emotions have been bubbling over a bit the past couple days. I am overwhelmed with love for my husband. I have some anxiety about surgery, but at the same time confidence in my God. I have concern for my children and grandma, but also trust that God will be their comforter and her healer. I am full of gratitude for my parents who are always so willing to step in and help when needed and for the people far and wide, known and not known who have been praying for us. I am humbled by the things the Lord has been showing me about myself and deeply desire to reflect a change in my heart attitude in these areas.

I do not know why Dennis has cancer; I have never asked why. Disease is just a part of our world due to the fall of man. Some are touched by it and others are not. I have just believed that this was what God has given us to deal with and that in the end we will be better for it. There is always hope no matter how difficult things get. Hope for healing, for strength of character, for deeper faith, and if nothing else, hope for a future eternity with Jesus and our heavenly Father. Despite this trial, I have never experienced such true contentment and peace. I am learning to be thankful for what the Lord has provided and to live comfortably within His provision. When you are at risk of losing much, every little thing is not to be taken for granted.

I guess I am rambling a bit now. As you can see my thoughts are everywhere tonight. Let me just close with some prayer requests:

*For rest tonight for Dennis, our children, my parents, grandma, and myself
*For a successful surgery tomorrow; specifically for no ostomy bag
*For minimal pain for Dennis post surgery as well as for a speedy and full recovery
*For our children to be comforted and at peace
*For my grandma to be strengthened and for her medication to work as it should
*For Dennis’ mom as she is traveling until Sunday

Thank you all for your continued prayers. Prayers are powerful and effective and we are humbled and blessed to be on the receiving end of them. I will post tomorrow as soon as I can about how the surgery went.

Trusting in an awesome God,
Carolyn

Learning to Think Theologically

2011-03-31T21:08:00.000-07:00

March 31, 2011

Dennis finished chemotherapy on March 4. After about a week of recovery, he has been feeling pretty good overall. His hair is a bit thinner, but he doesn’t look like he’s had 12 weeks of chemotherapy as you might expect. He has met with both the oncologist and the surgeon and his surgery is scheduled for one week from today - April 7.

The surgeon feels everything looks good and surgery should be routine. Dennis will be getting two surgeons for the price of one as he is a good candidate for robotic surgery. A top robotic surgeon will be joining the UCI staff tomorrow - April 1. Robotic surgery allows for more precise cutting, which is a rather important part of surgery I suppose! The surgery will last about 3-4 hours and Dennis will need to be in the hospital for 5 days. One main concern for surgery is the possibility of a temporary ostomy bag. This would only need to be done if the surgeon felt he could not reattach the colon without the risk of leakage. The bag would be in place for 4-6 weeks to allow for healing followed by another surgery. While there is a small percentage that this would occur, it is obviously an area of prayer as we would prefer Dennis not have to have this done.

Dennis will spend a good 3-4 weeks recovering from surgery. Then he will begin chemotherapy again. The protocol for treatment is six months of chemotherapy. Since he has already had four months, he will only need two more. This will be done like the last round - every other week for three days at a time. The oncologist also said that he would lower the dose of medicine that caused the tingling in Dennis’ fingers and toes and may even omit it all together near the end. Although we are a bit disappointed his treatment will go so far into the summer, we are grateful that it will be a bit modified to lessen symptoms for him. He should be ready to go back to work by the end of August. (Which I might add will be quite an adjustment for all of us!)

Otherwise we have really been enjoying the past couple of weeks. Dennis was able to go out to celebrate both Josh’s and my birthday. He has been able to attend church and we went to a play as a family. We were able to attend two family gatherings and he has been able to mow the lawn. The only bummer was that two weeks ago Dennis stepped off the walkway wrong at my parents’ house and hurt his foot pretty bad. There is no fracture, just a bad muscle strain. He’s been staying off of it as much as possible and icing it during the day.

I have mentioned I was reading “The Mystery of God’s Will” by Charles Swindoll. I found the end of the book to be particularly good as it really summed up a lot of his ideas. In the book he talks about how we need to learn to think “theologically”. Charles Swindoll writes about how “our lives are full of stories” that sometimes have no explanation. “We don’t know. And it’s okay. See, it’s the ‘okay’ part that requires thinking theologically. It’s also where the peace comes from, because we can relax as we leave it with God. Which is another way of saying that we leave it with Romans 8.” He writes about four things we can find comfort in when we learn to think theologically.

1. “We wait and persevere.” “But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.” (Romans 8:25) . . . “When you get the results of your physical exam from the doctor, you wait, you persevere through it. . . Mentally you connect with your Lord and express your willingness to trust him entirely. . . That takes faith. . . We risk trusting Him, not knowing how it’s going to come out. He’s trustworthy, so the ‘risk’ is minimal!”

2. “We face the test head-on but on our knees.” “And in the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.” (Romans 8:26-27)

“To wait and persevere takes faith. Confident faith. To face the test head-on but on our knees takes humility. Submissive humility. Humility says, ‘I’m willing to surrender.’ I’m willing to surrender my (husband). I’ll weep as long as my grief lasts. I’m doing all I can to get the medical help we need. But ultimately, I am surrendering it all to you, dear Father.”

3. “We rest in our sovereign God and His plan.” “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28) “This is for my good and for God’s glory, even though I cannot begin to explain it. . . I am learning that if you think theologically, you won’t put a border around ‘all things’. You’ll let it be ‘all things’. Your loss, your gain. Your prosperity, your bankruptcy. . . The disease, the disappointment. And yes, the relief, the success, the healing, the cure. . . We rest in our sovereign God. We rest in his plan, in what He considers best for us.”

4. “We remember we’re being conformed to the image of Christ.” “For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the first-born among many brethren.” (Romans 8:29)

“Waiting and persevering takes faith. Confident faith. Facing the test head-on but on our knees takes humility. Submissive humility. Resting in our sovereign God and His plan takes flexibility. Unguarded flexibility. And being conformed to the image of Christ takes sensitivity. Willing sensitivity. ‘It’s your plan that’s important, Lord, not my desire. . . Make me sensitive to the reality that You are in control, and You are using this - even this - to conform me to the image of Your Son. I want that most of all.’”

“If you’re going through a trial, go through it theologically. Train your mind to acknowledge God’s hand in whatever it is you’re living with. . . . Let’s . . . begin practicing words like, ‘I don’t know,’ ‘I will trust,’ ‘I can’t explain,’ ‘I release it all,’ because the star of the show is God. He is the beginning, He will be the ending, and in between, by His grace, He lets us be part of His perfect plan. . . for our glory and for our good. In the meantime, expect a mystery.”

Hope that offers some food for thought. I know it did for me!

Here’s how you can pray for us in the coming weeks:

*For Dennis’ foot to heal; for him to be able to get the things done in advance that he needs to do before surgery; for his prep the night before surgery

*For surgery - specifically for God’s protection over Dennis in regards to anesthesia; guiding the doctor’s hands (and the robot‘s arms!) during surgery; for reattachment to be able to take place without complications to avoid an ostomy bag; and for little blood loss

*For recovery - in particular for no infection; for pain management; for healing of surgery and incision site

*For the kids and me to have safety in traveling back and forth to Orange County

*For the kids to remain at peace; for their faith to deepen as they learn through this to trust in Jesus to care for their dad

*For for my parents as they help me with the kids during Dennis’ stay in the hospital

Thank you for your continued prayers and support.
Resting in Romans 8,
Carolyn

Being Equipped Through Trials

2011-03-31T12:51:00.000-07:00

Acceptance of your circumstances is an important thing to wrap your mind and heart around. Believing that God has a purpose for all things has really helped us get through this time. It's not fun or easy, but we put one foot in front of the other trusting that God has our best interests in mind. It was so great to finish this leg of our journey. . .

March 1, 2011

Here we are again at the final week of a treatment cycle. Hallelujah! With the last round of chemo, Dennis woke up Thursday morning feeling good. This continued into Friday morning. But by Friday evening he was feeling bad; worse than he had felt yet. It stayed with him well into Sunday and even Monday. We are praying that he will not have a worse time this round. Although we are not looking forward to tomorrow and the rest of this week, we can’t help but be relieved knowing it’s the last one for now.

February 18th marked six months since we found out Dennis had cancer. I spent some time reflecting on all we’d done in that time. Dennis has met with or seen at least ten different doctors, had about eight different scans or procedures, had a trip to the ER, has been on disability since mid-October, completed six weeks of chemotherapy/radiation and is now finishing up another six weeks of chemotherapy. And with all of that we’ve logged over 1,000 miles on our van. Dennis has experienced a variety of symptoms and side effects; some merely uncomfortable, some quite painful. We’ve struggled with fatigue, feeling overwhelmed, fear, discouragement and anxiety. But at every turn along the way, the Lord has met us where we were. He has provided for our financial needs above and beyond what we could have asked. He has supplied us with encouragement through His Word, music, books we’ve been reading, by those who have served our family and by the thoughts, notes and prayers shared with us by you who have followed us on this journey. God indeed is good.

As I was cleaning up the desktop on one of our computers the other day, I found some notes I had typed up when studying 1 Peter. Chapter one of course is all about trials. There were several verse on why we experience trials: so our faith may be proved genuine (1 Peter 1:7); to help us obey God (Psalm 119:67); to produce fruit in our lives (John 15:2); to help others see the hope we have in Christ (2 Corinthians 4:8-10); to keep us humble (2 Corinthians 12:7) and to have a close relationship with Christ (Philippians 1:29 & 3:10). I have to admit that many of these things are indeed being worked out in us; thankfully!

My notes went on talk about how sometimes we know that trials are for specific purposes and other times we simply do not understand. Trials come in all shapes and sizes. Some we will be able to overcome quickly and others will be a struggle. But all trials we face have one thing in common; they are an indication of God’s loving plan to shape our character and conform us into the image of Christ. They are part of the course He has set for us. While human nature looks at trouble and sees all hope drain away, God’s Word tells us that trials are building blocks that will lead to hope.

I’ve been reading “The Mystery of God’s Will” by Charles Swindoll.. I recently read something that went along with this idea of shaping and conforming us. Swindoll wrote that we shouldn’t see our trials as a sign that God is through with us, but rather that “He is equipping (us).” He shared a quote from A.W. Tozer: “It’s doubtful God can use anyone greatly till he’s hurt him deeply.” He ended the chapter by stating that “wherever you are in this journey called life, . . . God may be preparing you for a great surprise in order to find you faithful. Rather than running from Him, let me suggest the opposite: Run toward Him. . . Look heavenward and realize this arrangement is sovereignty put together for your good and for His glory. It’s a wonderful thing when we learn how to turn His surprises into opportunities to surrender whatever we’ve been clinging to these many years.”

The more I learn about God’s will, the less I understand it! But I am learning to trust Him more and to surrender things. I can see how God has equipped me for “such a time as this”. And I believe that this experience will be used to equip me for something to come in the future.

If you would please join us in prayer this week for Dennis for:

-a timely schedule tomorrow

-more mild side effects; specifically a calm stomach

-for strength and energy

-for restful sleep

-for safety in traveling on Wednesday and Friday

Thank you again for your continued prayers. We see the power of them being worked out in Dennis response to treatment so far. We are grateful for each of you

Resting in God’s plan,

Carolyn

God's Love Never Fails

2011-03-31T12:46:00.000-07:00

This was an "antsy" time. . . nearing the end, but anxious to be done. It's kind of like sitting in traffic when you really want to get to where you're going, but can't do anything to move forward. I guess this is what we call patience. We've been learning this lesson. I find more often now that I can relax and let things go by without getting worked up and anxious that I can't be a part of it or that I can't change it. Not always, just more often than before! I'm still growing after all! . . .

February 15, 2011

Tonight we’re gearing up for round three of chemo treatment. I was thinking earlier today that it must be hard for Dennis to go tomorrow knowing that he is going to feel lousy for the next 3-4 days. At dinner he shared that he wasn’t looking forward to going tomorrow for that very reason. This is the “hump” week - we’re halfway done, but still have two more to go. Although this has been much easier on Dennis than the six weeks of radiation because he’s had a break in between, it is none-the-less still trying.

We did discover this past weekend that Dennis is beginning to loose some of his hair. Other than that, he has not had any other new symptoms or any symptoms worse than he’s already had.

Dennis met with the surgeon last week. The surgeon was pleased with the way Dennis has responded to treatment. Surgery has been scheduled for April 4th. And because Dennis has responded so well to treatment so far, he is scheduled for only two chemo treatments after surgery. This was good news.

Lots of messages of hope have come our way in recent days. The other day In Charles Swindoll’s book “The Mystery of God’s Will”, I read three promises of hope that come from Lamentations 3:22-23. First, the Lord’s lovingkindnesses (mercies) never fail. Second, the Lord’s compassions never fail. And third, the Lord’s faithfulness never diminishes. He also wrote that God doesn’t forget our circumstances. He knows exactly where we are.

These thoughts go along with my new favorite worship song “Your Love Never Fails” by Jesus Culture. I love these words to the song:

You stay the same through the ages

Your love never changes

There maybe pain in the night but joy comes in the morning

And when the oceans rage

I don't have to be afraid

Because I know that You love me

Your love never fails

The wind is strong and the water's deep

But I'm not alone in these open seas

Cause Your love never fails

And then the bridge repeats the phrase:

You make all things work together for my good

A reminder to me of my life verse - Romans 8:28. No matter the reason for the hard times in our lives, I’ve come to believe that God will work things out for our good and His glory. “Our good” doesn’t’ necessarily mean easy, wealth, health, etc., but what’s good for us spiritually - what is going to draw us into a closer relationship with our heavenly Father.

In Oswald Chambers “My Utmost for His Highest”, Dennis and I read a devotion several nights ago that went along with this idea:

“Sorrow removes a great deal of a person's shallowness, but it does not always make that person better. Suffering either gives me to myself or it destroys me. You cannot find or receive yourself through success, because you lose your head over pride. And you cannot receive yourself through the monotony of your daily life, because you give in to complaining. The only way to find yourself is in the fires of sorrow. Why it should be this way is immaterial. The fact is that it is true in the Scriptures and in human experience. You can always recognize who has been through the fires of sorrow and received himself, and you know that you can go to him in your moment of trouble and find that he has plenty of time for you. But if a person has not been through the fires of sorrow, he is apt to be contemptuous, having no respect or time for you, only turning you away. If you will receive yourself in the fires of sorrow, God will make you nourishment for other people.”

So we carry on, with hope and faith in God’s unfailing love, seeking to “find and receive ourselves” in Christ through “the fires sorrow”, desiring to bring Him glory in all things.

Please pray for Dennis:

*to have strength and energy to endure this next treatment cycle

*to maintain his positive attitude

*for the side effects not to increase and no new ones to affect him

*for the chemo to continue its work on eliminating the cancer

Thank you for continuing to partner with us in this journey.

Carolyn

Keeping our Eyes Fixed on Jesus

2011-03-31T12:31:00.000-07:00

1 Peter 1:6-7 says, "In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - my be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."

This trial is not what I would have asked for specifically. But I have prayed for a deeper relationship with the Lord and to live a life that glorifies Him. As we have walked this cancer journey, we have certainly been growing in the "grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior" and have been learning valuable lessons in trusting the Lord. I continue to pray for a genuine, enduring faith, and that the Lord is pleased with our response. . .

February 8, 2011

Again this week, we have been reminded that God has Dennis in His hands. He is doing better than expected with his 2nd cycle of chemo. The first three days he was very tired, had an overall “blahh” feeling, and little appetite. By Sunday he was beginning to feel a bit better and seems to be doing better each day. Dennis is experiencing some sensitivity to cold foods and drinks as well as using metal silverware. He gets a tingling type sensation in the back of his throat with the first bite or two of some foods. And some foods and drinks have an altered taste. So far everything is tolerable, and he is grateful he does not have to be attached to his pump for more than three days. The only thing that was a bit of a concern was that Dennis’ blood counts were low.

We have an appointment tomorrow (2/9) with the surgeon for an exam and hopefully to schedule surgery. Next Wednesday Dennis will have his third cycle of chemo which means we will be near the end of this stage of treatment. Time is going by fairly quickly, and we are grateful it is easier than anticipated.

Josh and I have been covering the life of Jesus in Bible. Last week we read and discussed the story of Peter walking on the water. This story so perfectly illustrated where we were last week. We had our eyes focused on our circumstances instead of on the Lord. As a result we had become anxious and worried. When Peter took his eyes off of the Lord, he too became anxious and began to sink. But as we began to turn our worries over to the Lord and trust Him to get us through, then we had confidence. Peter was only able to stay afloat when he kept his eyes on the Lord. I guess we shouldn’t be too hard on ourselves - Peter had the physical Jesus to keep his eyes on and he still floundered. We are called to keep our eyes on what is unseen. As the Lord did with Peter, He reminds us to not be of little faith. And truly at every turn, He has met us where we are at and given us just what we need to get through the present difficulty.

In Max Lucado’s book “A Gentle Thunder” he writes about climbing a rock wall with his daughter. He slipped off and found himself suspended by his safety rope. The guide encouraged him to continue. He did and made it to the top. Lucado writes:

“You and I are on a great climb. The wall is high, and the stakes are higher. You took your first step the day you confessed Christ as the Son of God. He gave you his harness - the Holy Spirit. In your hands he placed a rope - his Word.

Your first steps were confident and strong, but with the journey came weariness, and with the height came fear. You lost your footing. You lost your focus. You lost your grip, and you fell. For a moment, which seemed like forever, you tumbled wildly. Out of control. Out of self-control. Disoriented. Dislodged. Falling .

But then the rope tightened, and the tumbled ceased. You hung in the harness and found it to be strong. You grasped the rope and found it to be true. You looked at your guide and found Jesus securing your soul. With a sheepish confession, you smiled at him and he smiled at you, and the journey resumed.

Now you are wiser. You have learned to go slowly. You are careful. You are cautious, but you are also confident. You trust the rope. You rely on the harness. And though you can’t see your guide, you know him. You know he is strong. You know he is able to keep you from falling.

And you know you are only a few more steps from the top. So whatever you do, don’t quit. Though your falls are great, his strength is greater. You will make it. You will see the summit. You will stand at the top. And when you get there, the first thing you’ll do is join with all the others who have made the climb and sing this verse:

‘To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy - to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen’ (Jude 24).”

We are continuing to learn to trust the “rope” and the “harness” when the weariness begins to set in and we feel like we can’t hold on any longer. God has been faithful to “catch” us at every hard spot. He has proven himself strong. It is with growing confidence that we continue on this journey. We will not give up and we will not quit. To God be the glory!

Thank you for your continued support and prayers. May we all grow in the areas where our faith is weak.

Until the next update, God bless you all.

Carolyn

Do Not Be Anxious About Anything

2011-03-31T12:12:00.000-07:00

We were so elated to hear the news that the tumor was gone! We saw this as continued confirmation that we had made the right choice and that God was at work. But like the Israelites, we sometimes forget where our provision comes from and we allow the enemy to feed us anxious thoughts. As Dennis' chemotherapy began we had concerns about the side effects. It was like waiting for an egg to hatch or something along those lines - when would it all begin? Well, it never did. Except for food tasting funny and tingling in his toes and fingers, Dennis never really had any serious side effects. Again, why should we have worried? God was answering the prayers going up on Dennis' behalf. Just another reminder of the truth of Philippians 4:6 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." . . .

January 14, 2011
Dennis had his ultrasound this morning. The procedure went well and we found out some GREAT news! The doctor did not see a tumor! He only found a thickening of the colon. This means the radiation did the job it was meant to do. We are praising God for allowing all things "to work together for good" in Dennis' body.

Please pray for him to get a restful night's sleep to allow him to fully recover from the anesthesia.

Rejoicing,
Carolyn

February 1, 2011
Wanted to give you a quick update and ask for prayer for Dennis. Two weeks ago Dennis had his first chemo cycle. Overall it went well. The infusion ended up taking longer than we had originally been told. He spent about four hours in the lab. For the first three days he had a bit of nausea, which went away with his medication. He had a smaller appetite and found some foods didn’t taste right. We ate simple, blander foods to keep him from any upsets. Into the next week he felt like he had a knot in the pit of his stomach, more like when you’re nervous. By Wednesday the week following his treatment he felt great. During this time he was getting up and exercising a bit most mornings. For the past week he has enjoyed a regular appetite and has even gained a couple pounds.

The thing I so admire about my husband is his attitude. Even when he’s not feeling great, he still makes himself get up and tries to keep moving and doing things. He doesn’t sit around and dwell on how bad he is feeling. I know his positive attitude is what is helping him get through this time.

Tomorrow Dennis will be going for his second chemo cycle. We found out Friday that Ellie is receiving an award in Chapel tomorrow. We had to make arrangements for someone to take Dennis to UCI in the morning so I can be at school for Ellie. Thankfully, we have friends who are available to help us out. The process of figuring out what to do began a feeling of anxiety in both of us. Tonight Dennis is in fact feeling a bit nervous about tomorrow. Which is our prayer request.

We have been told that this chemo would affect him more seriously than what he had before. We both have been anticipating Dennis getting really sick. This has caused some anxiety in both of us as we keep waiting for it to hit. Even though he did so well with the last cycle, there is anxiety that this time it will not be so good and he will in fact be sick.

God has been at work in Dennis’ body from the beginning. I believe that through the prayers being lifted on his behalf, God is working all things together for Dennis’ good. We are asking for prayer again that Dennis will respond well to this cycle of chemo; that his side effects will be minimal; and that he will be able to handle any all that do affect him. Please pray for us not to allow the enemy to fill our minds with anxious thoughts, but that we would continually give them over to the Lord in prayer and that we would experience His peace.

Will let you know how this next week goes. Thank you for your continued prayer support, thoughts and notes of encouragement.

Carolyn

Recognizing Jesus

2011-03-30T19:28:00.000-07:00

We began the New Year feeling good. We believe it is because we continue to rely on Him for all our needs that we have experienced such hope, peace and joy. Anything we do on our own is in vain. For us there is no other way to live than to recognize Jesus in the midst of all areas of our lives. . .

January 13, 2011

With the New Year comes the next phase of Dennis’ treatment. This is to let you know where we are at this time and what’s ahead.

Dennis finished his radiation/chemotherapy on December 17th. The last week was pretty rough on him. By Christmas Day, however, he was beginning to feel better. We enjoyed an incredible Christmas Day together at home as a family with our parents and my grandma. The week after Christmas, Dennis continued to feel better. By New Year’s Eve he felt great and we were able to go to Knott’s Berry Farm for the day and to celebrate the New Year with my parents and brother’s family that evening. Dennis has continued to feel well enough to mow the lawn, run errands, and go to church.

Dennis had a follow up with the radiation Dr. on January 4th. She said things looked good. On January 7th, he had an MRI. We met with the chemotherapy Dr. on January 11th to go over the results and plan the next phase of treatment. The MRI showed that the tumor has responded to the radiation and has decreased in size and the cancer has not spread. We were happy to have confirmation that we were doing the right thing. As part of the treatment protocol, Dennis will have another Endoscopic Ultrasound tomorrow morning (January 14th) to get a better look at the tumor and surrounding lymph nodes. We are curious to see how the results of this one will compare to the one he had in September.

Otherwise, Dennis is scheduled to begin the next phase of his treatment on January 19th. This will be four cycles of chemotherapy alone. This time he will go to the infusion lab on Wednesday mornings to have a one-hour infusion of one medicine followed by another that will only take a few minutes. Then he will be hooked up to the pump with the same medicine as before and go home with it. We will go back on Friday for him to be taken off the pump. He will not receive any other chemo for twelve days. In simpler terms, Dennis will have chemotherapy every-other-week for six and a half weeks. While this will be easier in that it’s less back-and-forth, it will be harder on Dennis as the medicine is stronger and he is likely to have more severe side effects. March 4th will be his last day of chemotherapy. Following a three to four week break he will have surgery.

We continue to focus on what is before us and not allow ourselves to get too far ahead. Dealing with one thing at a time is more productive than worrying about what is to come. God continues to remind us at every turn that He is our provider – of everything; we have all we need. We’ve been reminded by Oswald Chambers, “there is no circumstance of life in which we cannot abide in Jesus.” We are learning that “God engineers (our) circumstances. The things surrounding (us) are real, (and) if (we) look at them (we) are immediately overwhelmed, and even unable to recognize Jesus.” So we are to “let (our) actual circumstances be what they may, but (we are to) keep recognizing Jesus, maintaining complete reliance upon Him.” This is not always easy, but we continue to press on.

We would appreciate your continued prayers for Dennis. Specifically the following:

*That he will tolerate the treatment well and have minimal side effects

*That his blood counts will stay up and he will not become ill

*That the chemotherapy would be effective in treating the cancer

*That we would have continued safety in traveling to and from UCI

*That God would continue to supply all of our needs

*That the kids and I will be gracious and flexible in our schedules as needed

We are so very grateful for your continued prayers. We look forward to seeing how God will work “all things for good” in 2011.

Blessings,

Carolyn

Immanuel - God With Us

2011-03-30T19:24:00.000-07:00

What a relief to be finished with the first part of treatment. A huge weight was lifted each day that Dennis was feeling better; and we had the best Christmas ever. As I look over this, I am reminded that the chemotherapy treatment didn't go as we expected. On the negative side, the day Dennis went in for infusion took much longer than we had first been told. But on the positive side Dennis didn't have the extreme side effects we were told to expect. Another reminder that God is ever present with us, working in our lives for our good and His glory. . .

December 26, 2010

Just a little update to let you know how things are going and what’s next.

Dennis completed the first part of his treatment on Friday, December 17. The last week was pretty rough for him. He was very fatigued and began to suffer from skin irritation from the radiation, which was very painful. It was such a relief to know that we had made it through the first part.

Last Tuesday we met with the chemo oncologist for a follow up and to plan the next step. In three weeks Dennis will have another ultrasound as well as an MRI to discover how the cancer has responded to the first part of treatment. If all looks good, he will begin the next part of treatment on January 17.

This next step will be chemotherapy only. It consists of three different drugs that will be administered in three different ways. On Monday, he will go to the infusion lab to receive the first two medications. The first one will be administered through his porta-cath over an hours’ time. The 2nd one will be administered quickly – in just a couple minutes. The third one will be the same as what he had before, which will be given through a pump that he will take home with him for two days. On Wednesday we will go back to the lab so he can be unhooked from the pump. Dennis will then be off chemotherapy for 12 days. He will do this four times. While it will be less driving back and forth, this chemotherapy round will consist of higher dosesof medication which will increase the chances of side effects. This will be the time when he may experience the nausea, hair loss, and likely the mouth sores will return as well as increased fatigue. He will also have a much more compromised immune system, so he will be quarantined to home in order to stay as germ free as possible. Lots of hand washing and sanitizing going on here!

Dennis has been feeling better everyday. Christmas Day he felt quite good, and was able to enjoy the day with the family. That was an especially great gift for us! We look forward to being home together this next week before the school break is over.

Thank you for your continued prayers. God has truly been caring for us these past weeks. He has provided for our financial needs in an amazing way through the generosity of ACA and people we don’t even know. It is so very humbling to be the recipient of such gifts. God has been our strength when we’ve been weak, and continued to give us hope when we’ve been discouraged. He truly is Immanuel – God with us. This Christmas was an especially sweet time as we focused on celebrating the birth of our precious Savior who is our redeemer, rock and fortress. We are looking forward to the New Year with hope, knowing that God holds us very firmly in His hands.

God bless,

Carolyn

Our Troubles Will Soon be Over

2011-03-30T19:19:00.000-07:00

Hope is a precious thing. If it wasn't for the promise of better things to come, life would easily become unbearable. God's word has been a valuable source of hope to us during this season. While this time was particularly difficult, we were resting in the hope that our troubles would soon be over, and that joy was to come. . .

December 11, 2010

Week 5 has come to an end. It was pretty rough for Dennis. Last weekend his cold began to overwhelm him; he developed a really bad sore throat along with the discomfort of his mouth sores and congestion. We got him in to see our family doctor on Tuesday. The doctor said he had developed a fungus in his mouth. He gave Dennis an antibiotic shot and two prescriptions for mouth rinses: one for the fungus and the other a pain reliever. He spent the rest of the week eating soft foods trying to find something that wasn’t too painful to swallow. He was also a lot more fatigued. His chemo nurse told him on Friday that this last week would be really tough as he would begin to feel especially fatigued. While honest, not all that encouraging! Earlier in the week I shared a paraphrase of 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 on Facebook.

“Never give up. Though the body's dying, the spirit is being renewed each day. Our present troubles are temporary, and yet they still produce for us an immeasurably great glory that will last forever! So we don't focus on the troubles in front of us; rather, we look forward to what we have not yet seen. For our troubles will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever!”

While this verse speaks to our eternal future, we can hold on to it now as a promise of better days ahead. We are counting down the days to next Friday; looking forward to giving Dennis’ body a break and having rest from the daily travels to UCI.

Another concern this past week were the medical bills we still had to pay as well as a couple new ones that had come. After a call to the insurance, we found out that we would be responsible for 20% of some “out of network” expenses. We are also still waiting for the supplemental disability insurance to be approved and sent out. Another challenge. But God proved to us again that we can “throw the whole weight of (our) anxieties upon Him, for (we) are His personal concern (1 Peter 5:7, Philips). He provided for our current needs as well as gave us some extra for future expenses. We continue to see that our times are in God’s hand (Psalm 31:14-15) and that He will lift us and carry us (Isaiah 63:9) in our time of need. “God’s timing is always on time.” (Bedside Blessings by Charles Swindoll)

We begin this last week a bit weary, a bit concerned about how Dennis will feel, but also joyful that we’ve made it through the first part of his treatment and that we will have a time of refreshment and restoration before the next phase begins. We continue to be grateful for the prayers being lifted on our behalf, the encouraging words, and the practical help coming our way.

Counting the days,

Carolyn

Renewed Hope

2011-03-29T22:20:00.000-07:00

This by far was the toughest time of our cancer journey for me. Dennis was feeling really bad from the side effects of treatment and his cold. I was so weary and feeling guilty for feeling weary because I wasn't the one who was sick. Thankfully, I was reminded that the Lord is my strength. As we have continued to rely on Him, we find that our fear, anxiety, discouragement and sorrow has turned to courage, peace, confidence and joy. God's reversals are amazing. . .

December 3, 2010

As I read through my last update on Wednesday, I felt like it was a bit forced. By mid week I was feeling very weary. The encouragement I had felt on Friday when working on my study and the enthusiasm for being half way through treatment began to wane. I was tired and overwhelmed. There never seems to be enough hours in the day to accomplish all that needs to be done. I was feeling like I was unable to give my best to anyone or anything. My house is not very clean. There was three weeks of ironing to be done. Josh and I are doing very basic school days; there is no time to plan and prepare to be more creative. I am not able to participate in activities at Ellie’s school and she is getting a tired mom at the end of the day who is impatient. I cannot wait for the kids to go to bed each night so I can just sit for a while. Morning comes way too soon.

Add to the weariness the difficulty in seeing your husband sick. Dennis has always been hearty, hardly ever missing work due to illness. How my heart aches for him as he is struggling with a cold he can’t get rid of, a sore mouth due to canker sores, and a fatigue that makes it hard for him to get out of bed in the morning. He so wants to participate in family life and do his normal thing; but he’s just not up to it. Up to this point, he has not seemed sick. This new phase is hard.

While we were heading into the end of the 4th week, my fleshly “glass is half empty” mentality was telling me we still had to ENDURE 2 ½ more weeks. So I went to bed Wednesday night discouraged and empty, lifting up a prayer without words because I was too despondent to come up with any.

But God is so faithful. Thursday morning dawned and with it a Scripture was planted in my head. “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” (Galatians 6:9) I repeated this to myself all day. I just focused on one thing at a time. I got things done. I began to rest in the promise. My perspective began to change and I realized it was ALREADY Thursday! That meant ONE more day and week 4 would be OVER. That meant we ONLY had two more weeks. And we were told by Christmas (ONLY 3 weeks away) Dennis would be feeling better. What a gift! Add to this the surprise provision that came in the mail, and my outlook was much improved.

Colossians 3:2 tells us to “set (our) minds on things above, not on earthly things.” When we focus on the troubles of the world, we will find ourselves discouraged, discontent, anxious and miserable. But, when we choose to focus on the Lord, His work in our lives and “in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present (our) requests to God; (then) the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard (our) hearts and (our) minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:7) To live a life of worship is a choice. How I desire to make the right one.

I felt a bit like Peter, who with the other disciples, was out in a boat in the midst of a strong wind. Jesus came to them on the water. Peter asked Jesus to call him out of the boat. As long as Peter kept his focus on Jesus, he was able to stay above the water. But when Peter took his eyes off of Jesus and looked at the waves around him, he began to sink. When Peter called to the Lord to save him, Jesus took his hand and asked him why he doubted. Peter allowed his focus to move from the Lord to his circumstances. So it is with us; when we choose to take our eyes off of the Lord and instead focus on our troubles, we falter. Thankfully, Jesus is faithfully there, waiting for us to admit our need and once again offer his hand to help us.

As I reflected again on my study from Friday, I began to experience joy in the fact that God was doing a work in us through this circumstance. Just like we desire to help our children mature and grow out of selfish behavior, so our heavenly Father desires to see us grow in our faith. Even though it’s being done through this trial, it’s not lost on me that it’s a sign that God cares for us. We willingly accept God’s will for our lives and trust Him to “meet all (our) needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:19)

Please continue to pray for Dennis: to overcome his cold (cough, nasal congestion, sore throat); for his canker sore pain to diminish and for them to heal quickly; for the energy to get to and from treatment each day, especially Monday; for continued timely appointments on Monday and Friday; and for the enemy to be restrained from discouraging him in the remaining weeks.

With renewed hope,

Carolyn

Eternal Glory

2011-03-28T21:25:00.000-07:00

We were glad to be halfway finished with treatment, especially because Dennis was beginning to have some very uncomfortable side effects. We continued to focus on our eternal hope and glory to get us through. . .

November 30, 2010

We have reached the halfway mark. Monday was treatment 14 out of 28; three weeks down and three more to go. For the first time in those three weeks, Dennis’ Monday schedule went smoothly and he was even done early. We pray this will continue to be the case for the remaining Monday and Fridays. Dennis still has his cough and congestion, which the radiology doctor was concerned about. However, when she looked at his blood work, it did not show that he had any infection and, in fact, showed his counts were up from the previous week. They are still low, but in the normal range. On the down side, Dennis has begun to experience side effects from the chemo. He has broken out in canker sores along his lower lip and he is very fatigued. The nurse told him yesterday that the side effects would begin to peak in the coming weeks. She offered encouragement, though, by saying that he should feel good again by Christmas. So we will continue to mark off the days on the calendar, pressing on with our task and looking forward to December 17!

Since my Daniel study has concluded, I’ve gotten back into my Women of Faith study on “A Life of Worship”. On Friday after Thanksgiving, I came upon a section that was quite encouraging.

“What do we imagine when we think of giving glory to God - singing, preaching, giving testimonies, writing psalms? And yet, the Scriptures are filled with other ways of bringing glory to God - ways that are a little unexpected. Take a look at these":

In John 11:4, Jesus said that Lazarus’ sickness would bring glory to God. Specifically, Jesus said, “This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.” Hmm. That was a really neat verse to read while sitting outside the cancer center at UCI.

1 Peter 4:14 says God can be glorified through being insulted for Christ‘s sake. “If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you.” Our shame leads to His glory.

In John 21:19 Jesus said Peter would end up glorifying God through his death. I have seen God glorified in the death of His children. While it is hard to say goodbye to our loved ones, sharing how their life honored the Lord is encouraging to those remaining and often leads others to salvation. What greater glory can their be?

“Shame, insults, sickness, and death are hardly the means we would choose for ourselves, even if we did want to glorify God. But many believers are asked by God to endure these things. They can glean encouragement from Paul in 2 Corinthians 4:17.” This hard path is still a good one because “our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” The leader‘s guide adds ,“no matter how difficult our life may seem, in the end we will call it a light affliction. In the face of eternity, the suffering will have been fleeting, momentary. And then, we will understand how God worked through those hardships for good, bringing glory to His name through them.” The NIV study Bible adds, “seen in the perspective of eternity, the Christian’s difficulties, whatever they may be, diminish in importance. By comparison, the eternal glory is far greater than all the suffering one may face in this life.” It’s all about perspective. Maintaining a heavenly mindset makes all the difference in the midst of difficulties.

The study went on to ask, “how else is God’s glory spread according to Psalm 66:16? This verse says, “Come and listen, all you who fear God; let me tell you what He has done for me.” When we share with others what God is doing in our lives, we bring glory to God. How we hope that is true with these updates.

2 Corinthians 4:15 says, “all this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.” Even in the midst of trials, we are to maintain an attitude of thankfulness. Sometimes we have to concentrate, and really look. But the more we practice this, the easier it will be to recognize God’s blessings.

Some great verses concluded the study. These are verses that have been shared with us and ones we have turned to on our own. Each one speaks of our suffering as a means to bring glory to God. They offer encouragement to us.

Romans 5:3-5 “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us , because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” We can rejoice in our suffering because it is not without a purpose; our character will be developed, and we can rest in the hope of our future home in heaven.

2 Timothy 2:10 “Therefore I endure everything for the sake of the elect, that they too may obtain the salvation that is in Christ Jesus, with eternal glory.” The NIV study Bible says, “No suffering is too great if it brings about the salvation of God’s chosen ones who will yet believe.” If our trial leads others to seek God, than we are blessed to have played a part in God’s plan for them.

1 Peter 1:7 “These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” God values faith and challenges us in order to cause our faith to grow.

1 Peter 5:10 “And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.” We desire to see Dennis’ health restored and to finish stronger than we started; giving all praise and glory to God in the process.

God has been so faithful to provide just the right words for the right moment. Tonight we read some other insightful words from Oswald Chambers “My Utmost for His Highest”.

“Be determined to know more than others. If you yourself do not cut the lines that tie you to the dock, God will have to use a storm to sever them and to send you out to sea. Put everything in your life afloat upon God, going out to sea on the great swelling tide of His purpose, and your eyes will be opened. If you believe in Jesus, you are not to spend all your time in the calm waters just inside the harbor, full of joy, but always tied to the dock. You have to get out past the harbor into the great depths of God, and begin to know things for yourself - begin to have spiritual discernment. . . God wants you to be something that you have never been.”

We are definitely in the great depths of God as we rely and trust in Him alone to bring us through this storm. But we do so willingly in order to become what we’ve “never been.”

We experienced some wonderful refreshment being with family over Thanksgiving. We are very grateful for the continued prayers, encouragement and support. Have a blessed week.

Carolyn

Developing a Life of Worship

2011-03-27T21:30:00.000-07:00

We were doing the thing that was before us each day. Leaning on the Lord for strength. Remaining open to what He had for us to learn. The next couple weeks were about to get difficult, but we trusted God to supply our every need. And He was faithful to do so at every turn. . .

November 23, 2010

Well, the 2nd week of treatment has concluded. Based on the number of treatments needed, Dennis has completed a little over a 1/3 of them. He will be done with this first part of treatment on December 17. Dennis continues to do well. He is still up exercising most mornings. He is tired a bit more and gets worn out a bit more easily, but being home allows him to rest. We’ve gotten the schedule down, but the infusion lab can’t seem to get theirs in order! Every Monday and Friday, Dennis has to wait because they don’t have his pump ready. Yesterday the nurse gave Dennis her card and told him to call when we’re on our way so she can get his chart to the pharmacy. Hopefully this will help the process. Please pray for a timelier schedule.

We both have lingering coughs, although Dennis’ is worse than mine. He is also dealing with some nasal congestion. Please pray he can kick both soon. He spoke to the radiology/oncologist yesterday and she said that if antibiotics didn’t help the first time, they wouldn’t help now. So he needs to wait it out. At his appointment today with the chemotherapy/oncologist, we were given the results of his blood test from yesterday. The results showed that his blood counts are down slightly below normal. We will continue to keep Dennis home and away from crowds of people as much as possible to help him avoid catching anything more serious.

As I was reading in Max Lucado’s book “A Gentle Thunder”, I came across a neat piece of wisdom. In reference to the Israelites having to endure wandering in the wilderness for 40 years, Lucado quoted Deuteronomy 8:2-4.

“Remember how the Lord your God has led you in the desert for these forty years, taking away your pride and testing you, because He wanted to know what was in your heart. He took away your pride when He let you get hungry, and then He fed you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had ever seen. This was to teach you that a person does not live by eating only bread, but by everything the Lord says. During these forty years, your clothes did not wear out, and your feet did not swell. Know in your hearts that the Lord your God corrects you as a parent corrects a child.”

He went on to say that, “He took away the Israelites’ pride. He tested their hearts. He proved that He would provide for them. Did God want the children of Israel to reach the Promised Land? Of course; but He was more concerned that they arrive prepared than that they arrive soon.”

Arrive prepared. Where is our destination and how do we arrive prepared? As believers in Jesus Christ, our Promised Land is eternity in Heaven with God. To arrive prepared, I see that we must develop a life of worship. We will be worshipping the One who created us, who has sustained us and has trained and disciplined us for all eternity. Therefore, this trial, like the Israelites, is a way for God to test us and see what we’re made of, to refine us and prepare us for our arrival at His throne.

In the process of this trial, we do see God working in us to help us “arrive prepared”. Humility was something the Israelites needed to learn. So too we have been learning this lesson. As Dennis was sharing yesterday with two of his students, we have been learning to accept help. He and I are both very independent and want to fulfill our responsibilities. But there are some things that have been difficult to keep up with. We have needed the help of others. We have learned to accept the help and even to ask for it. We believe that the more our spirits are in submission to the Lord, the closer we draw to Him, and the more our lives will become worshipful to Him.

Humility is a hard lesson, but an important one. We are grateful for the refining the Lord is doing in us. We do not claim to have mastered this character trait, but we are experiencing a softening in this area of our lives.

Our pastor spoke on Sunday morning about how our choices and how we deal with difficulty will reflect our heart attitude toward the Lord. This message is what Dennis and I have come to believe. Our faith is not to be a separate compartment of our life. We shouldn’t only bring it out Sunday morning when we go to church or when we have a need and decide to go to God in prayer. Our faith is to be like yeast in dough that works its way through our entire life. So when we are faced with the multiple decisions that come our way each day, or when a heavy trial is put before us, we will be able to “rise” to the occasion and deal with it in a way that pleases the Lord.

As we have been growing in our relationships with the Lord through the years, we have been learning to put all areas of our lives under the submission of God: our marriage, parenting, finances, activities, relationships and our trials. With each thing that comes our way, we have been able to do the thing that God has put before us to do because we’ve learned to trust Him in all things. This trial is no different. God’s given us the task of dealing with Dennis’ cancer. So we are doing what needs to be done. We can only do all these things, however, through Christ who strengthens us. So we lean heavily on the One who holds us in His hands. And when we fail, we find mercy and forgiveness and the chance to learn from our mistakes.

We continue to be grateful for the prayers going up on our behalf; for the help that is being provided; and for our God who is preparing us for our arrival at His throne.

With humility and thanksgiving,

Carolyn

Making Us His

2011-03-27T20:28:00.000-07:00

We made it through the first week of radiation/chemotherapy fairly well. It wasn't nearly as difficult as I think we had been anticipating; which came to be true of most everything in the months to follow. We began counting down the weeks - this helped us feel like we'd accomplished something as well as helped us see the end wasn't too far off. . .

November 15, 2010

The first week of treatment has ended. I feel like we have accomplished a great deal. Dennis has done very well this week. He is much more tired than before, but in spite of the fatigue, he was able to get up and exercise a few days this week. He had a couple moments of nausea that led him to take his medication, but after a short time, it passed. He has been eating well and has even gained a couple pounds. Being hooked up to the chemo pump is a bit annoying for him, but it is not uncomfortable. We are happy to have one week behind us.

We have been so grateful for the dinners this week. Not having to think about and prepare meals has been a tremendous help to me. The men who have come over to help us this weekend are also appreciated. Not only does it lift our spirits to experience the community of Christ; but also it has helped to lift some of the burden that this trial has brought.

My Daniel study is coming to an end. As I was working on the lesson this week we were asked to write down what we have learned from studying the book of Daniel. I was taken back to the beginning of the study about Daniel’s captivity, the escape from the fiery furnace and the lion’s den. Being reminded that God is in the midst of this with us, that we have others who are here to stand with us through this and that in the end God will deliver us was a great encouragement.

I went looking for a book to read the other day and picked up Max Lucado’s “A Gentle Thunder”. It’s been some time since I’ve read it. As I began to read it, I found it to be very timely. Lucado wrote in the opening, “His (God’s) goal is not to make you happy. His goal is to make you His. His goal is not to get you what you want; it is to get you what you need. And if that means a jolt or two to get you in your seat, then be jolted. Earthly discomfort is a glad swap for heavenly peace. Jesus said, ‘In this world you will have trouble, but be brave! I have defeated the world.’ (John 16:33).”

I don’t know if God thought we needed a jolt, but he has our attention. And I am more sure than ever that I want to be His; and I will trust Him fully as the pilot of my life’s journey. I will gladly trade this time of discomfort and trouble for the promise of eternal heavenly peace.

We sang Hillsongs’ “Desert Song” this morning:

This is my prayer in the desert, when all that’s within me is dry.

This is my prayer in my hunger and need. My God is the God who provides.

This is my prayer in the fire, in weakness or trial or pain.

There is a faith proved of more worth than gold, so refine me Lord through the flame.

I will bring praise. I will bring praise. No weapon formed against me shall remain.

I will rejoice. I will declare. God is my victory and He is here.

This is my prayer in the battle, when triumph is still on its way.

I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ. So firm on His promise I’ll stand.

All of my life in every season You are still God.

I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship.

This is my prayer in the harvest when favor and providence flow.

I know I’m filled to be emptied again.

The seed I’ve received I will sow.

Even in the midst of the trials of life, we will still offer praise to the Lord. In spite of the difficulties, there is still much to be thankful for. We are blessed in many ways. Thank you for your continued support, words of encouragement, and prayers. You are one of the reasons we praise God.

With praise,

Carolyn

Obssessed by God

2011-03-25T22:42:00.000-07:00

Once we had decided which treatment plan to follow there was a lot of waiting. The surgeon said it was urgent we begin treatment, but we had to wait for insurance authorizations before we could begin. Dennis used the phrase "hurry up and wait". It was hard to wait, but it was also an incredible time of experiencing God's provision in our lives. I was bubbling over with joy at how the Lord was working things out for our good and His glory. There was a bit of uncertainty as we did not know what to fully expect in the coming weeks, but we continued to cling to the Lord for hope. . .

November 7, 2010

Finally, after a couple weeks of waiting, more appointments, a procedure, another scan, and a couple of date and time changes, Dennis is scheduled to begin his radiation/ chemotherapy treatment tomorrow, November 8. We were given a time late morning that will allow us to miss traffic and still be home in time to pick up Ellie from school. Although we are both glad that he will be getting what he needs to begin treating the cancer, we are both unsure of what the next six weeks will bring. There are many possible side effects, so we are doing our best to help prepare Dennis’ body and have all we need to meet any of the side effects he might have.

The days ahead will be busy and I am grateful that God has been teaching me in the last year to let things go. Although there are activities that we would all like to participate in during the coming months, Dennis and I know that we simply have to say “no” to them for the benefit of our family. There have already been some disappointments, but I know that in the end the kids will come out stronger and better for having sacrificed these things for the benefit of their dad and our family as a whole. I have always felt that there are different seasons of life; and sometimes the season we are in, whether due to financial, health or family dynamics means that we have to turn things down.

My study in Daniel chapter 9 was titled “Unexpected answers to prayer”. God has given us some wonderful answers to prayer in the past couple of weeks. We received a medical bill that we knew put us well over our deductible and were concerned that perhaps some things weren’t going to be covered. On my way to the dentist this past week I spent time on my drive praying about the situation. When I arrived home, Dennis put in a call to the insurance company. Each thing I prayed for was answered: he got through quickly, got someone who was patient, knowledgeable and took the time to explain our coverage. She found that the bill we received had been submitted wrong and said it would be resubmitted correctly. We were informed that our deductible had been met and we would no longer have to pay for bills incurred after a date a month or so back through the end of the year. Funds were provided to cover the remaining bills owed under the deductible. Amen! And while we had the nerve to complain that we didn’t have the greatest insurance, we then received the summary bill for Dennis’ trip to the ER. Wow! Our insurance may not be rated the best in the state, but we are so thankful we do in fact have insurance. There is no way we could ever afford to cover all these expenses. It’s all about perspective! Dennis changing jobs four years ago meant changing insurance, which meant finding a new primary doctor. What a blessing he has been. Another “unexpected answer to prayer.”

Last Sunday our pastor spoke about the importance of the church body. We began attending Calvary Chapel Chino Valley ten years ago. Because it is a large church, we knew the only way we were going to meet people was to get involved. I first signed up for a morning women’s Bible study and then the Crosstrainer study for moms. Dennis soon followed by joining the Gideon’s men study. Through these studies we have both met great friends. We have been able to share in the joys and sorrows of life, encourage and admonish one another, lift one another up in prayer, serve next to one another and enjoy the blessings of friends who are also our brothers and sisters in the Lord.

As we have been planning for the weeks to come and praying for God’s provision, He has used my dear, sweet sisters in the Lord to bless us in a mighty way in the coming weeks. One of these sisters let me know that she and some others wanted to bless us with meals when we needed them. As Dennis’ treatment will be Monday through Friday for five pluse weeks, I could see that this would be helpful. I worried that it would be burdensome to cover that amount of time. However, in God’s “unexpected answer to prayer’, she let me know this week that were 16 ladies who wanted to help us with meals! I was so overcome with this news that I cried when I told Dennis. Where else, but in the body of Christ, would you find 16 women who would be willing to make a meal for another family? I am still just overcome by this outpouring of love for our family. These women have become my dearest friends, and I am so grateful to have them in my life now and to know that we will be spending eternity together as well. I know that God is present with us during this time, but it sure is wonderful to experience “Jesus with skin on”. Another Amen!

I know I am so long winded with these updates, but I get so excited about what the Lord is teaching and showing us, that I just have to share! Last night Dennis and I were reading another devotion by Oswald Chambers titled “Are You Obsessed by Something?” This devotion might explain this need I have to share about the Lord with you.

Oswald Chambers wrote, “All of us are obsessed by something – usually by ourselves, or, if we are Christians, by our own experience of the Christian life. But the psalmist says that we are to be obsessed by God. The abiding awareness of the Christian life is to be God Himself, not just thoughts about Him. The total being of our life inside and out is to be absolutely obsessed by the presence of God. A child’s awareness is so absorbed in his mother that although he is not consciously thinking of her, when a problem arises, the abiding relationship is that with the mother. In the same way, we are to ‘live and move and have our being’ in God (Acts 17:28), looking at everything in relation to Him, because our abiding awareness of Him continually pushes itself to the forefront of our lives.

If we are obsessed by God, nothing else can get into our lives – not concerns, nor tribulation, nor worries. And now we understand why our Lord so emphasized the sin of worrying. How can we dare to be so absolutely unbelieving when God totally surrounds us? To be obsessed by God is to have an effective barricade against all the assaults of the enemy.

‘He himself shall dwell in prosperity. . . ‘ (Psalm 25:13). God will cause us to ‘dwell in prosperity,’ keeping us at ease, even in the midst of tribulation, misunderstanding, and slander, if our ‘life is hidden with Christ in God’ (Colossians 3:3). We rob ourselves of the miraculous, revealed truth of this abiding companionship with God. ‘God is our refuge. . .’ (Psalm 46:1). Nothing can break through His shelter of protection.”

I am obsessed by God! A Jesus freak if you will! I can’t help but look at “everything in relation to Him.” It is only by this obsession that we have been able to experience a “peace that passes all understanding” in the midst of a very heavy trial. Our awareness of Him and what He is doing in our lives is continually being pushed “to the forefront of our lives.” And it is through this trial that our companionship with God is deepening. He “is our refuge.” May He also be yours!

Grateful to be hidden with Christ

Carolyn

Living Out Loud as a 40-Something

2011-03-24T22:06:00.000-07:00

So today I turned 41 - I'm an official "40-something". I had the opportunity to spend some time alone today while driving to meet my grandma and mom for lunch. I was thinking about this past year and all the things that have had an impact on me.

I've read some really great books:

"Jesus Freaks" by Voice of the Martyrs and dc Talk
"The Beauty of Christ Through Brokenness" by KP Yohannan
"Educating the Wholehearted Child" by Sally Clarkson
"A Family Budgeting Guide Family Financial Workbook" by Larry Burkett
"Love & Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs
"The Pilgrim's Progress A Modern Abridgment" by John Bunyan
"Bringing Up Boys" by James Dobson
"Unshaken" by Dan Woolley
"The Mystery of God's Will" by Charles Swindoll

Last spring I was finishing up a Bible study on the life of Paul. Over the summer I studied a Woman of Faith study titled "A Life of Worship". In the fall my church's women's ministry covered Beth Moore's study on Daniel and we are now a few weeks from finishing her study on Esther. All very timely studies for me.

I also have some favorite music that I turn to for encouragement and worship:

"All I Ever Wanted" by Margaret Becker
"My Hope is in You" and "Mountain of God" by Third Day
"Bring the Rain" and "Only Temporary" by Mercy Me
"All Because of Jesus", "Voice of Truth", "Who Am I", "Your Love is Extravagant", "Lifesong", "Praise You in this Storm", "Father, Spirit, Jesus" by Casting Crowns
"Your Love Never Fails" by Jesus Culture

The awesome thing is that all these books, studies and songs have been just what I have needed as I have faced the biggest impact on my life - my husband's cancer diagnosis. The Lord is revealing Himself to me in mighty ways and I pray I will be forever changed by the things He is teaching me about Him and myself in Him.

I am learning that God's will is sovereign. He will have His way in our lives regardless of how much we try to control things. If we allow him to lead, all things will work out for our good and His glory (Romans 8:28).

I've also been learning about the idea of entitlement and that it has no place in the Christian's life. Entitlement is the idea that we deserve something or something is owed to us. There are very few things we actually NEED in life, and God promises to provide those (Matthew 6:25-34). When we begin to think we deserve things, then we are in danger of not allowing God to reign in our lives, but things. The more I have been learning to open up my hands and release things to God, the more content I have become because I view things as His provision for me. Whether it's something simple or extraordinary, I can praise Him for it because it's from Him and not from my own striving.

Ultimately, I am more confident in my faith in Christ than ever before. I believe that the Bible is the inspired word of God and is truth. I believe that Christ lived a perfect, sinless life and chose willingly to die on the cross for the sins of man. I have put my trust in Him, admitting I am a sinner and seeking Him to be my Savior. I believe that He is going to return one day for His church - those who have put their trust in Him and call Him Savior - and we will spend eternity with Christ in heaven where there will be no more sorrow, pain or weeping. While I am waiting for that event, I desire to live my life in such a way that I will make an impact for Him in my sphere of influence. I guess you could say I am choosing to "live out loud" for Christ.

The next year will prove to be challenging as we face Dennis' cancer surgery, recovery, more chemotherapy and the adjustment of him going back to work after having a year off. In the fall I will be homeschooling both our kids. But in spite of the challenges, I am confident that God will supply all I need for each thing He has called me to do.

Here's my theme song for this next year:

Our Place in God's Eternal Plan

2011-03-24T20:01:00.000-07:00

I remember feeling so much more relaxed and peaceful at this time. The anxiety we had been feeling regarding Dennis having chemotherapy was eased. We knew that we had to do what was necessary in order for Dennis to get well and that we could trust God to get him through. We were ready to get started. . .

October 24, 2010

It seems harder these days to find the time to sit down and share the latest developments with everyone. Let me try to fill you in with the outcome of last week’s appointments. We spent a great deal of time at UCI last Wednesday meeting with both the oncologist and radiologist. Here is the plan:

First Dennis will need to have a porta-cath inserted into his upper chest. This is currently scheduled to take place this coming Thursday morning. It is an outpatient procedure, but he will be put under anesthesia in order to place it. Dennis will then begin a 5 1/2 week treatment consisting of both chemotherapy and radiation. The chemotherapy will be given in a low dose to help sensitize the area for radiation. Every Monday he will first go to the infusion lab to have the chemotherapy pump inserted into the porta-cath. The chemotherapy will be given continuously for 24 hours; each pump will last 7 days. Following the visit to the infusion lab, he will then go to radiation to receive his treatment. This will take about 30 minutes. Tuesday through Friday he will only visit the radiation lab for treatment.

Dennis had decided to do his treatment at UCI; and after meeting with both doctors on Wednesday we both agree that this was the smart thing to do. The oncologist, radiologist and surgeon all know one another, are familiar with the treatment, and can communicate easily with one another. UCI is very current on the cancer research and has very up-to-date facilities. Even though it is a bit of a drive, we feel we are in good hands.

Following the 5 1/2 weeks of chemotherapy and radiation, Dennis will then have a 4-week break. Thankfully, this will fall around Christmas time when the kids are off school and we can just enjoy being home together.

After this break he will have 4 cycles of chemotherapy. He will go in on Monday again to have the pump connected to his porta-cath. This pump will last for three days; he will go back on Wednesday to have it removed. For 12 days, he will be off the chemotherapy. Then he will go back for the same thing. This will take place 4 times. Although he will only be connected to the pump for three days at a time, the chemotherapy will be in a higher dose and this is when he will likely begin to have the common side affects associated with chemotherapy.

These 4 cycles will end 21 weeks from the beginning of treatment (around the end of March or beginning of April depending on when we start). At this time he will have surgery to remove the affected area. Surgery will require Dennis to remain in the hospital for 5 days and he will have an additional 2-3 weeks of recovery at home.

Following surgery Dennis will likely need 1 or 2 more cycles of chemotherapy similar to the 4 cycles he had before surgery. This apparently will depend on the findings from the surgery.

Dennis has been off work since the beginning of October. Some days are better than others, but it has made a difference for him being home. He is able to rest when he needs to. We have made adjustments in his eating which is helping to prevent the abdominal pain that took him to the ER. Although Dennis is no longer in the classroom, he has continued planning for his classes at home and emails the substitute the weekly assignments. He enjoys staying connected with the ACA students and staff through Facebook and email.

In regards to Dennis being on disability, so far things have gone smoothly. We just received the first check from the state on Saturday. He will be able to apply for supplemental disability insurance through the school after being off work for 4 weeks. Dennis’ deductible has been met through the end of the year, so anything incurred through December 31 will be covered by insurance. A new deductible will begin January 1, 2011. We would ask for continued prayer for God to meet our needs.

I have again found that God has been faithful to bring things across our path to encourage us and keep us focused on Him. During Chapel at ACA several weeks ago, a DVD was shown with a message by Louie Giglio titled “How Great is Our God” (Look him up on Youtube). It was a perfect message for this season in our lives. He used scientific facts about the galaxies, planets and even the human body to remind the audience that we can trust God with the plan He has for our lives because He is the divine Creator. How can we not trust our lives with the One who created everything out of nothing? He “knit us together.” “He knows our inward parts.”

In a homeschool magazine I recently started receiving there was an article about “appreciating our place in God’s eternal plan”. The writer used the story of Esther as a reminder that God has placed us where we are for a purpose. She asked the questions: “What am I to do with the time I’ve been given today? Who knows? Maybe I have come to the kingdom for such a time as this.” She went on to write that God’s “success is not dependent on (us). It’s (our) success that is dependent upon Him.” It’s not our plans in life that matter, but God’s plans that will always prevail. “When you suddenly realize that God is asking you to do something, you have instant motivation to do it! The God of the Universe is summoning you. You don’t want to wait to answer that call! Coming face-to-face, or should I say ear-to-voice, with God changes your perspective. There’s no room for excuses. When God asks you to step out of your comfort zone, you know it’s something you should do. When we look at the challenge from the perspective of God’s capabilities rather than our own, we should experience peace and confidence. If you know God, you know it’s kind of a ridiculous question to ask what He can do. He made everything from nothing. We doubt our own abilities, but we need not doubt God’s. In order to do what God wants us to do, we must remember it is God’s ability that counts, and it’s His ability we must rely upon. What God has in mind for us may not be what we had planned. It may not be what anyone else in our lives had planned either, but God’s plan prevails. We must go with God. It is not our own strength that counts, but His, and His strength is unlimited. My focus needs to be not on “am I” but on “I Am,” the Great I Am. He’s got the whole world in His hands. What am I going to do with the time I’ve been given today? I’m going to stay close to the Lord and follow His plan. If I don’t know what His plan is, I’m going to get even closer to Him and follow where He leads, because He’s leading me somewhere. Wherever He’s going, that’s where I want to be. Whatever He’s doing, that’s what I want to do.”

My study in Daniel chapter 8 was also a reminder that “the point of our being here is for God to use us for His greatness.” Our lives “will be well lived and greatly influential if we simply ask God to empower us to do that for which we were created. Greatness belongs to our God.”

We don’t know why God has this plan for Dennis’ life, but we trust Him in it. Because He is the creator of the universe, and He holds all things in His hands, how can we not trust that He has our best interests at heart? We will rely on His strength and provision for our daily needs as we walk the road He has put us on. It continues to be our deepest desire is to reflect God’s greatness in our lives. We continue to pray and ask for His help in doing so.

Being One with the Father

2011-03-24T09:51:00.000-07:00

This was a wake up call for us. We had been going on with life as if everything was "normal". But I was beginning to see fatigue seeping into Dennis. He would come home each day more and more exhausted. We were still unsure of the direction to take with treatment. And then when we realized Dennis needed to stop working, there was initial concern about finances. The time in the ER was actually a good time for us. We had a lot of time to talk about things and were able to get our focus where it needed to be - on Dennis and his health. I knew deep down that God would sustain and provide for us, but I needed the encouragement I received that week to strengthen my anchor with the Lord. As I look back at our prayer requests at this time, I can honestly say that God answered each one far beyond what we ever expected. Prayer is powerful - God does hear the cries of His people. . .

October 12, 2010

Just thought I’d send an update to explain about the ER and what’s been happening since. Dennis began having severe abdominal pain around 10 o’clock Sunday morning. By 2 o’clock we decided he needed to go to the ER as the pain was not easing. My friend was able to come over to stay with the kids, which was a huge blessing.

At the ER we were grateful to be put into a room instead of behind a curtain or out in the walk way like so many others were. We were also right next to a bathroom, which Dennis needed close by. Lab work was done and the doctor decided to do another CT scan. None of these tests showed anything specific that could be causing the pain. Based on what he had eaten the previous couple of days, it was decided that perhaps he had really bad constipation.

The ER doctor called to confer with Dennis’ GI doctor. The recommendation was to take a stool softener daily, use Tylenol for pain, and stick to a high fiber diet – in other words, no more pizza and wings! Just in case he did have an infection of some kind, the doctor ordered two IV antibiotics. They also sent him home with two prescriptions for oral antibiotics. Around 5 o’clock I called my parents and they came out to take over the kids. Since we didn’t end up leaving the hospital until after midnight, this was a huge weight off our shoulders.

Dennis stayed home yesterday and today. He still has tenderness, but the sharp pain is gone. He was blessed with a full night’s sleep last night. This was a sign to us that Dennis needs to stop working now. Monday will be his last day with ACA and Tuesday will begin his first day of disability. After one week he will be eligible for state disability. He also has supplemental insurance through work. This will take affect after four weeks.

He met with the GI doctor to follow up from Sunday’s hospital visit. He suggested that treatment begin as soon as possible. Tomorrow we have an appointment with the surgeon. We had decided we wanted to go ahead with surgery first, but after receiving some additional information from our primary doctor, talking with others and one another, as well as much prayer, we decided to do radiation and chemotherapy first. Instead of the standard of care treatment of five weeks of combined radiation and chemotherapy and then surgery, we have decided to participate in a study being done by the surgeon. It will start with the standard of care treatment, but will continue with extra chemotherapy before surgery. This means Dennis will likely not have surgery until the spring. But the idea is that the tumor will stop growing, perhaps shrink some and that recovery will be easier.

The reality that Dennis has cancer has become very real. As we begin the next phase, we would ask for prayer for the following:

*That the tumor would respond to the treatment and shrink

*That Dennis would have minimal side effects from the radiation and chemo

*That the kids will adjust to dad not being available for events and activities

*That our financial needs will be met

*That I would have patience and discernment with my time

There have been many great writings that have come our way in the past couple of weeks. One thing I think they all have in common is where our focus needs to be. It has been a habit in our lives in the joyful as well as the sorrowful and difficult times to turn to the Lord in praise, for comfort and for strength. This thought made me think of Mercy Me’s song “Bring the Rain”.

The song begins: “I can count a million times/ People asking me how I/ Can praise You with all that I’ve gone through/ The question just amazes me/ Can circumstances possibly/ Change who I forever am in You/ Maybe since my life was changed/ Long before those rainy days/ It’s never really crossed my mind/ To turn my back on you oh Lord/ My only shelter from the storm/ But instead I draw closer through these times”

Where else can we go for all we need?

A couple of weeks ago we read a devotion by Oswald Chambers from “My Utmost for His Highest” based on John 17. The focus was on being one with the Father. He wrote: “God is not concerned about our plans; He doesn’t ask, ‘Do you wan to go through this loss of a loved one, this difficulty, or this defeat?’ No, He allows these things for His own purpose. The things we are going through are either making us sweeter, better and nobler men and women, or they are making us more critical and fault-finding, and insistent on our own way. The things that happen either make us evil, or they make us more saintly, depending entirely on our relationship with God and its level of intimacy. If we will pray, regarding our own lives, ‘Your will be done’ (Matthew 26:42), then we will be encouraged and comforted by John 17, knowing that our Father is working according to His own wisdom, accomplishing what is best. When we understand God’s purpose, we will not become small-minded and cynical. Jesus prayed nothing less for us than absolute oneness with Himself, just as He was one with the Father. Some of us are far from this oneness; yet God will not leave us alone until we are one with Him – because Jesus prayed ‘. . . that they all may be one. . .’”

Following this was my lesson in Daniel chapter 4 in which King Nebuchadnezzar had his second dream about the tree. Beth Moore talked about how the king didn’t fully understand God’s identity. He was not “one” with God as Daniel was. She wrote, “Every human being finds his or her identity in something or someone. As believers in Jesus Christ, our entire identity is wrapped up in our God.”

We both desire to be one with the Father; to be made sweeter, better and nobler. We desire to be identified with Christ.

There was a lot of time to read while in the ER, and I finished a small book called “The Beauty of Christ Through Brokenness” by K.P. Yohannan. As he was writing about hindrances to the work of brokenness in our lives, K.P. wrote: “All things work together for our good so we may become like Jesus (Romans 8:28). When we truly believe this we can rest, knowing that God is the One orchestrating the events of our lives. It is His plan, and we learn to bend our neck and receive His yoke. This causes us to become less frustrated with circumstances and people and everything else. When we look up and recognize that He is behind it all, His grace and peace enter our lives.”

As the road gets harder to travel, we will continue to look for these “rest stops” that remind us that God is in control, “orchestrating the events of our lives”; that He has a plan and purpose; that He will use this to make us into what He wants us to be; and that we are to praise Him in all circumstances because He works for our good.

Deliverance Through the Fire

2011-03-23T23:03:00.001-07:00

This was a true time of confusion. To add to my traffic analogy, I felt like we were lost and continually making u-turns. Time was passing; we felt a decision needed to be made; but we weren't seeing where we needed to go. I look back now and see how God was very much in control, working out the plans he had for Dennis. . .

September 20, 2010

Yesterday marked one month since we first heard that Dennis had cancer. The weeks have flown by in a blur. We have been everywhere it seems and Dennis has had to endure more exams, tests and procedures than we can keep up with. Up to this point, we haven’t really had to make any decisions; it was all about gathering information. We are now at the point where that phase is ending and it is time to act. Here is where we are at this point:

Dennis has a tumor in the lower part of the colon. His blood work showed that cancer cells are present, but his blood counts were not too far off of normal. The CT scan indicated a thickening in the area of the tumor, but no other “hotspots” were detected. The last procedure was the endoscopic ultrasound. It showed some suspicious lymph nodes above the tumor and beneath it. The doctor took a biopsy of the most abnormal looking one from above the tumor. The pathology report came back negative for cancer. The lymph nodes below the tumor cannot be tested until they are removed because of their location. This procedure also confirmed that the cancer has not spread to any other organs.

We met with the surgeon last week and he told us that Dennis would need radiation/chemotherapy treatment before surgery and likely some after. He gave us two options. The first was the “standard of care” option which included a combination of radiation and chemotherapy over a 5 week period first and then surgery. The other option was to participate in a study that would involve treatment over a longer period of time before surgery with the idea that he would need less after surgery when he was recovering. That same day Dennis went to meet with our family doctor to touch base. As our doctor looked over the reports, his initial thought was that Dennis needed surgery first and then possibly treatment after if the lymph nodes beneath the tumor turned out to be cancerous. This left us a bit confused, so we decided to go ahead and meet with the oncologist as soon as possible.

The first attempt at an appointment with the oncologist referred to us left me frustrated and not at all comfortable. Dennis called our family doctor, got another referral and an appointment was scheduled for this coming Thursday. I will tell you that a doctor’s office staff makes an important first impression. I was NOT impressed! As we began to talk together at the end of last week, we both had come to the conclusion separately that we did not want Dennis to participate in the study. We find these moments of agreement confirmation that God is leading us. It was a relief to know we had one less option to decide on. The oncologist’s opinion will help us decide the next step to take. Up to this point, the news has been very positive and Dennis has been given a very good prognosis. We continue to trust in the Lord for His provision and leading as we move into the next phase.

The kids and I had a good talk last week about Dennis’ condition and upcoming surgery as well as the need to make some personal sacrifices in order to help him recover. Josh was fascinated by the chart of the digestive system and spent quite some time studying it and the names of all the parts. He repeated back to me what the surgery would be using the correct terms and even showed Dennis when he got home. Ellie asked for prayer at school for Dennis on the day of his last procedure. She already has a sincere faith, but we are praying this faith will be deepened as we continue on this journey.

This week God has brought some awesome words of encouragement to us. I was completely blown away on Tuesday by the DVD session of my Daniel study. It was as if Beth Moore had made that segment just for us. Daniel chapter 3 is about Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in the fiery furnace. Beth Moore used the scenario of someone finding out they have cancer to show how God can deliver us from our fiery trials. Scenario A was that He can deliver us FROM the fire in order to build our faith. Scenario B was that God will deliver us THROUGH the fire in order to refine our faith. And Scenario C was that we will be delivered by the fire into the arms of God which will perfect our faith. We believe we are in the state of being refined.

Warren Wiersbe in his Old Testament commentary wrote, “The difference between the true believer and the unbeliever isn’t the presence of faith, because everybody lives by faith in something. The difference is in the object of that faith. . . The Christian believer lives by faith in the living God and what He has revealed in His Word. . . Faith means obeying God regardless of the feeling within us, the circumstances around us, or the consequences before us. . . Our task is to obey God and trust in Him, and He will do the rest.” Isaiah 12:2 says, “Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.” Wiersbe continued by saying, “God always rewards faith, but He doesn’t always step in and perform special miracles. Not everybody who prays is healed, but God always gives strength to bear with pain and grace to face death without fear. The three Hebrew men believed that God could deliver them, but they would trust Him even if He didn’t. That is how faith is supposed to operate in our lives.” This is how it is working in ours.

This morning we had a guest speaker at church - Larry Powers from New Hope Christian College. His message was on Psalm 107. He pointed out that in each trial, the Psalmist wrote that the people, “cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and He delivered them from their distress.” (Psalm 107:6, 13, 19, 28) We continue to call out to God, trusting that He will deliver us. And we will continue to “give thanks to the Lord for His unfailing love and His wonderful deeds for men.” (Psalm 107:8, 15, 21, 31)

In the weeks before Dennis’ diagnosis, I was developing the idea of having an eternal perspective and how this affects our lives. I finished writing out my thoughts and posted them on my blog the day after His colonoscopy. It will greatly add to the length of this update, but I am going to close with it here since it speaks of how we are able to have faith in spite of this circumstance. And this week has been all about encouraging us to continue in the faith.

Our Home Away From Home

I have been reading the book Jesus Freaks: Martyrs by dc Talk and the group Voice of the Martyrs. It has been very humbling to read about the faith of so many who have suffered great persecution and even death because of their faith in Christ. Even in the face of great physical pain to themselves and often their family - these believers stood their ground and refused to deny their Savior.

A story I read that stood out to me was about Pastor Florescu. He was imprisoned in Romania in the 1960’s. He was arrested by the Communists and tortured in the hopes that he would give the names of other believers. He continually refused to give the names of his fellow Christian brothers and sisters. Then they did the unthinkable and brought in his 14-year-old son and began to whip him. The father watched until the writer says “the poor man was half crazy. He bore it as long as he could. But when he could stand it no more, he cried to his son, ‘Alexander, I must say what they want! I can’t bear your beatings anymore!’

His son answered, “Father, don’t do me the injustice of having a traitor as a parent. Withstand! If they kill me, I will die with the words, ‘Jesus and my fatherland.’” The story continues that this angered the Communists and they killed the son right there by beating him to death.

In the midst of this tragic story what stuck in my mind was the son’s hope of his “Fatherland”. The Scripture that followed this story was from verses 14 and 16 from Hebrews chapter 11. I chose to write out verses 13-16: “They agree that they were foreigners and nomads here on earth. Obviously people who say such things are looking forward to a country they can call their own. If they had longed for the country they came from, they could have gone back. But they were looking for a better place, a heavenly homeland. That is why God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them.” (NLT)

This passage reminded me of the saying we have for places we frequent often: “It’s my home away from home.” While we often use this expression in fun, really it has a very deep truth to those who follow after Christ. This time and place we are living in now is not our true home. Our real home is eternity in heaven with our Father and Savior Jesus Christ. It is this heavenly, eternal perspective that give believers their true hope and peace. It’s what allowed the persecuted believers of long ago and of today to face death with such courage; because death will bring them into the presence of the Lord where there is no more pain or sorrow.

In first Peter 1:1, Peter began his letter by addressing it to “God’s elect, strangers in the world.” He later wrote to the believers in verse 17 that they were to, “live (their) lives as strangers here in reverent fear.” Again in chapter 2 verse 11 he spoke to the believers as “aliens and strangers in the world.”

Jesus spoke in John 15:19 saying, “If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.” In John 17:14, Jesus prayed for His disciples by stating, “I have given them your word and the world has hated them for they are not of this world any more than I am of the world.”

I really like the song “Only Temporary” by “Mercy Me. The chorus says, “There’s a reason why this world just don’t feel right. We are strangers who are simply passing by. In light of all eternity it’s only temporary”. The second verses speak of how “this place was never meant to be (our) home” that we are “standing on the outside looking in” but that we don’t “complain cause (we’re) “already on (our) way.”

I have to admit that it has taken me time to develop this “alien” perspective. In the not too distant past I found myself holding onto this world in a variety of ways - wanting to see, experience and have things to the extent of almost wishing the Lord would tarry until I could achieve them. Absurd, I know. As you would imagine, this kind of perspective does no one any earthly or heavenly good. It simply created discontent and frustration in my spirit.

God’s word is very clear about the kinds of treasures we are to store up. In Matthew 6:19-21 Jesus told us, “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

What does it mean to store up heavenly treasures? Warren Wiersbe says, “it means to use all that we have for the glory of God.” He goes on to say that “wealth not only enslaves the heart, but it also enslaves the mind. (Also,) materialism can enslave the will. If God grants riches, and we use them for His glory, then riches are a blessing. But if we will to get rich, and live with that outlook, we will pay a great price for those riches.” In Hebrews chapter 11 we read of the faith of many believers from the Old Testament. This chapter tells us that Moses in particular “regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt.” Timothy commands the rich in chapter 6 verses 17-19 to “put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. . . To do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share. In this way they will lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age, so that they may take hold of the life that is truly life.”

So having a heavenly perspective affects how we live our life. These verses point out just a few of the outward signs of our mindset: using what we have for God’s glory and not our own selfish desires; putting our faith and hope in God instead of money, people or position; doing good deeds; and being generous with what we have (time, talent and money). By desiring to please and glorify the Lord, we will find greater contentment and satisfaction with life than if we are only looking out for our own selves.

Another positive outcome from having a heavenly outlook is how it helps us in trials and tribulations. When difficulties have arisen in life, at times it has felt overwhelming and I have begun to loose heart and become anxious. Thankfully these moments have lessened as I have begun to develop this eternal perspective.

1 Peter 1:6 says we should rejoice when we suffer grief and trials. Verse 7 gives the reason why. Peter writes, “These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” Romans 5:3 says that we should “also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” And in James 1:2-4 we read that we should “consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

These verse help me see that trials serve a purpose in God’s plan for me. I will develop more of the Christ-like character traits that will bring glory to God in my life now, and praise from God when I am united with Him for eternity. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 sums it up by stating, “we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

Mercy Me’s song “Only Temporary” also says, “Don’t let the situation get to you. This is not a hill worth dying on. Don’t let these circumstances tear your heart in two. Soon enough this chapter will be gone. What’s insurmountable today will simply one day fade away. In light of all eternity it‘s only temporary.”

I love the reminder that compared to eternity, nothing we experience here will last for any significant amount of time. Mira, a persecuted Christian in Bangladesh was quoted in 1997 as saying, “We give thanks to God that these things cannot destroy our spirit. Jesus told us that we are only here for a few days. We have eternal life and will stay with Him in heaven. He will take care of all this.”

Having an eternal perspective affects us in the here and now as well as in eternity. As we learn to set aside our selfish desires and focus on pleasing God now while we wait, we can experience hope and peace here on earth. And no matter how difficult our circumstances here on earth become, we have a great celebration to look forward to which can help get us through the tough times. How I look forward to my true home!

God's Sovereignty - Supremacy Over All Things

2011-03-23T22:50:00.000-07:00

At this time we were still gathering information. As I recall we were feeling a bit anxious about the wait, wondering if the cancer would progress and get worse. We were still thinking that surgery was next on the "to do" list. But God's providence was still being unfolded before us. Our journey had not yet taken full flight. . .

September 10, 2010

Dennis’ procedure went well yesterday. The doctor was able to get a better look at the tumor and surrounding lymph nodes. Dennis did well waking up from the anesthesia. News was mixed, although not all together bad. The tumor has grown into the lining of the colon a bit. There also appear to be some lymph nodes that are affected. A biopsy was taken to analyze more closely. The favorable news was that the cancer has not spread into any other organs. We will meet again with the surgeon next Wednesday to go over the results and to determine the course of treatment.

I took my Daniel study to work on while I was waiting for Dennis. The section I worked on was very timely. Beth Moore writes, “ God’s sovereignty means that He has supremacy over all things and does whatever He desires with whomever or whatever He pleases. “ She added a quote from Harper’s Bible Dictionary, “God has a plan and purpose for His world. Providence is not a principle of orderliness or reason; rather, providence is the will of the Creator who is actively involved in moving His creation to a goal. Beth Moore added, “God’s providence is intentional and purposeful. God’s sovereignty and providence mean that He does what He pleases to accomplish His goals; and, thankfully, He is pleased to involve us in His process.”

As I sat and thought about this, I was reminded that none of this trial is an accident. God has a plan and a purpose for all of this. I do tend to favor order, and this experience is far outside my comfort zone. But I see that God is using us and at some point, whether here on earth or in eternity, we will see the final goal.

Our study moved on to the idea that God is a personal God who watches over us and that He will equip us with godly wisdom if we ask. Daniel chapter 2 tells us that Daniel and his companions were up all night praying, asking God to reveal the king’s dream to them. It was literally a matter of life and death. God was faithful and granted their request by revealing to Daniel alone the king’s dream. The study asked us to apply the idea of God granting wisdom and power to our current circumstances.

From the beginning, Dennis and I have never been led to pray for a miracle healing. It is not because we do not believe God could do a miracle in Dennis’ life, but because we both felt that that was not the path He had for us. It was interesting that we both felt this way even before we talked about it. After Dennis’ colonoscopy when the doctor told me he had found a mass and that he was pretty sure it was cancer, my first thought was that people were going to watch how we responded to this trial. I sat in the waiting room and prayed that the Lord would help us to be good witnesses of Him to others. Sine then, we have prayed for ease in moving through each step; for timely appointments; for procedures to go without incident; for all things to be revealed during tests and procedures, for wisdom to be granted to the doctors and us as decisions need to be made. We have prayed for strength in our marriage; protection for Ellie and Josh; and for God’s provision. Because God is “intimately watchful over the . . . life of His child,” (Beth Moore) He has been faithful to answer each of these prayers - providing for our needs in so many ways. As we continue to trust in Him we have continued peace.

As we were driving home from Newport Beach in 5:00 p.m. Friday traffic, I couldn’t help but compare our journey to the pace of the freeway. I felt like we are moving forward, but slowly. Sometimes we stop for a moment (for a test or procedure) and then we move forward again. We have no control over the pace. Desiring to move faster only makes us anxious and frustrated. But when we can sit back and focus on the positive idea that we will eventually reach our destination, we can relax.

While I was mulling this over in my mind, I thought of the lyrics from the song “Mountain of God” by Third Day. “And even though the journey’s long and the I know the road is hard, the One who’s gone before me He will help me carry on. And after all that I’ve been through, now I realize the truth, that I must go through the valley to stand upon the mountain of God.” How grateful I am that we have a personal God who travels every road with us.

It was another Third Day song “My Hope is in You” that spoke of what I was feeling the other day. “To you O Lord, I lift my soul. In you, O God, I place my trust. Do not let me be put to shame. Nor let my enemies triumph over me. My hope is you. Show me your ways. Guide me in Truth in all my days. My hope is you. I am, O Lord, filled with your love. You are, O God, my salvation. Guard my life and rescue me. My broken spirit shouts. My mended heart cries out... My hope is in you.”

It is this hope that will see us through.

Adversity and Rising to the Occasion

2011-03-17T22:22:00.000-07:00

Lots was going on at this time. Dennis was in full swing at school and we were going to some appointment almost weekly for one thing or another. We were encouraged by the positive information that was coming in, but were still unsure of what the treatment would be. The surgeon we were led to is wonderful. He is very knowledgeable about his job and even yesterday Dennis said,"he is so confident." It is true. Although our ultimate trust is in God, we do feel confident in the surgeon's ability. We are grateful that we were led to someone with the experience he has. Here is the next update in our journey. . .

September 8, 2010. .

Sorry we haven't updated you since the CT scan - life happens sometimes! Dennis had the CT scan last Wednesday. On Friday he met with his doctor to go over the results. The doctor said things looked good and it appeared that the cancer hadn't spread - lymph nodes didn't appear to be enlarged. We were encouraged by this.

Today we met with the surgeon. After reviewing all the information gathered so far and doing an exam, he said there may be some lymph nodes near the tumor that may be enlarged. As he cannot tell for sure, he wants Dennis to have an internal ultrasound which will allow the lymph nodes to be seen better. We are hoping to get an appointment Friday or early next week. This would allow us to go back to the surgeon next Wednesday and move forward with treatment.

The surgeon offered a great deal of hope regarding the successful treatment of colon cancer. The fact that we caught it early is a huge factor. We can see God's hand in all of this - from our family doctor recommending Dennis have the colonoscopy in the first place to the doors opening so quickly to top doctors. The surgeon told us today that we are doing all the right things. Because we can see God is at work, we also continue to have His peace as we begin to move into the treatment phase.

Dennis did share with Ellie tonight that he has to have another test and that he will have to have surgery in the future. She seemed to take it well.

We have read two devotions that apply to us at this time in Oswald Chambers book "My Utmost For His Highest." The first was about adversity. Oswald Chambers wrote, "Our circumstances are the means God uses to exhibit just how wonderfully perfect and extraordinarily pure His Son is. Discovering a new way of manifesting the Son of God should make our heart beat with renewed excitement. It is one thing to choose adversity, and quite another to enter into adversity through the orchestrating of our circumstances by God's sovereignty. And if God puts you into adversity, He is adequately sufficient to 'supply all your need' (Philippians 4:19).

We did not choose this adversity, but we accept it as being God's sovereign will for our lives. Our hearts are quickened with the desire to show Christ working in our lives. Dennis spoke in Chapel yesterday about his situation and the students responded with an outpouring of love - he was presented with a basket full of notes and Scriptures written by every student in the school.

Last night we read about "rising to the occasion." In this he wrote, "God is the Master Designer, and He allows adversities into your life to see if you can jump over them properly 'By my God I can leap over a wall' (Psalm 18:29). God will never shield you from the requirements of being His son or daughter. First Peter 4:12 says, 'Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you. . ." Rise to the occasion - do what the trial demands of you. It does not matter how much it hurts as long as it gives God the opportunity to manifest the life of Jesus in your body. . . We are to submit to His will so that He may work through us what He wants. Once we realize this, He will make us broken bread and poured-out wine with which to feed and nourish others."

Our greatest desire is to glorify God in our lives. We continue to pray for wisdom and integrity to do just that as we walk this journey together.

If you would please pray with us for an ultrasound appointment to be scheduled as soon as possible; as well as for wisdom on the doctor's and our part for the next course of treatment. Also for the kids to be at peace and for continued wisdom in sharing with them.

Thank you for your continued prayers and support.

Carolyn and Dennis

To Live is Christ and to Die is Gain

2011-03-15T17:06:00.000-07:00

What an anxious week we had waiting. Even though we both expected to hear Dennis did in fact have cancer, I didn't completely set aside the idea that God could indeed do a miracle. As I began studying the book of Daniel in my Bible study a month later, we both came to believe that the Lord was going to deliver us through this trial and not from it. What a blessing to be able to rest in the arms of God. . .

August 27, 2010

Dear Family and Friends,

Late this afternoon we went to see the doctor to find out the results of Dennis' biopsy. The news was what we both expected. . . Dennis does in fact have colon cancer. We are beginning the necessary steps immediately to determine the stage of the cancer and to schedule surgery.

Thank you for your prayers and emails of encouragement. We know that God is in control and I agree with Dennis that our greatest desire is to glorify God in all things - even our trials. We are beginning a difficult journey, but I know that God will work all things together for our good and His glory.

Following is an email Dennis sent to the staff at his school. I thought you would like to read it as well. We will continue to keep you updated as we receive new information.

We love you all and thank you for standing by us.
Carolyn

Carolyn and I are both at peace as we face this situation. Many friends and family members have been praying for us and we have felt God's presence during the past ten days. While we've been praying that I didn't have cancer, we both independently have felt that this wasn't how He would work this out for us. We're praying that God will be glorified through the way we handle this problem and that we will be good witnesses of His faithfulness in times of trouble. I've often said to Carolyn that God must not think we could handle much adversity, because we have been blessed in so many ways through the years. Apparently, He thinks we've matured enough to be able to handle this now.

Here's a rundown of the next steps: I'm going in for blood tests tomorrow (Saturday), calling to make an appointment for a CT-scan on Monday, then calling to meet with the surgeon right after the scan. My doctor has arranged for me to meet with the chief of colon and rectal surgery at UCI Medical Center for the surgery, then begin therapy at San Antonio Hospital for the cancer. Again, we'll know more after the CT-scan results.

Here's how you can pray: First, pray that I can get into surgery quickly and that my recovery would go smoothly. Second, pray for Carolyn, that God would continue to strengthen her as we go through this together. I thank God for giving me such an amazing wife to help me get through this. Third, pray for Ellie and Josh, that God would protect their hearts and minds as they see me work through recovery. We haven't said anything to them yet, and will need wisdom in knowing how much to share with them and at what point. Fourth, pray for us as we deal with our insurance company, that the doors would be open and we wouldn't have any excessive financial burdens to worry about. Finally, pray for my students and Arrowhead Christian Academy, that their lives and education won't be too disrupted by this, but that they can see the hand of God working in my life and that their faith in Him would grow stronger.

The Sunday night before I had my procedure, Pastor David at Calvary Chapel Chino Valley was teaching from Philippians, and the following passage has given me such a comfort the last week and a half that I wanted to share it with you:

"For I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your joy in Christ Jesus will overflow on account of me." (Phil. 1: 19-26)

A Beginning Look Back

2011-03-15T16:51:00.000-07:00

We are almost at the seven month mark since my husband, Dennis was diagnosed with colon cancer. I have been looking back through the updates we have been sharing during this time trying to organize them as I neglected to date them. As I read the early ones, I see how God has led us in a very different direction from the path we thought we were headed in the beginning. It is a beautiful reminder to me that when we choose to trust in the Lord with all our hearts and not rely on our own insights, but acknowledge Him and allow Him to direct our paths (Proverbs 3:5-6), things will work out for our good and His glory (Romans 8:28). The Lord has provided for and sustained us far beyond what we have asked or imagined. As I continue to sort through these updates, I will be posting them in order to share how the Lord is working in our lives. . .

August 18, 2010
Dear Family,

We wish to share some news with you and to ask you to join us in prayer. Dennis has been having some lower intestinal problems for the past several months. As a precaution, our family doctor referred him to a specialist and suggested he have a colonoscopy. The specialist agreed and Dennis had the procedure this morning.

Much to our and the doctor’s surprise, a mass was found. It is in the lower part of the colon and is approximately 5 inches. The doctor said he feels it is cancerous. Biopsies were taken and we will find out the results next week.

This was not at all the news we were expecting to hear and it is a bit scary to hear the word cancer. However, we know that God is in control, and we are putting our trust in Him. While it is our hope for a non-cancerous report, we know that God is sovereign, and will use all things for His glory. We would like to ask you to pray along with us for Dennis’ health, his doctors and for our family.

At this time we have not shared any news with the kids. We are choosing only to share with our family and a select number of friends. We would ask that any communication regarding this would be done through email or a private message on Facebook (no wall posts, please). We will update you after Dennis’ appointment next Friday afternoon.

“A saint’s life is in the hands of God like a bow and arrow in the hands of an archer. God is aiming at something the saint cannot see, but our Lord continues to stretch and strain. Faith is not some weak and pitiful emotion, but is strong and vigorous confidence built on the fact that God is holy love. And even though you cannot see Him right now and cannot understand what He is doing, you know Him. Faith is the supreme effort of your life – throwing yourself with abandon and total confidence upon God. The real meaning of eternal life is a life that can face anything it has to face without wavering.”
-Excerpts from My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers (This was the devotion Dennis and I read tonight. I knew God would have encouragement for us in His Word today.)

Trusting God,
Dennis and Carolyn

All Efforts of Worth and Excellence are Difficult

2011-03-08T21:42:00.000-08:00

My husband, Dennis, was diagnosed with colon cancer in August. It has been quite a journey and one we have shared openly with everyone we know. Before he went out on disability from his teaching job, Dennis was asked to speak in Chapel at school about his circumstances. He shared with the students that the faith he was exhibiting wasn't something that just appeared when he found out he had cancer; it was something that he had been developing over his lifetime. This ties in with my last post on having the enduring goal to look at life biblically.

A devotion we read tonight in Oswald Chambers devotional "My Utmost for His Highest" spoke this very idea. As with many of Oswald Chambers thoughts, these are great words and worth sharing.

"If we are going to live as disciples of Jesus, we have to remember that all efforts of worth and excellence are difficult. The Christian life is gloriously difficult, but the difficulty of it does not make us faint and cave in, it stirs us up to overcome. Do we appreciate the miraculous salvation of Jesus Christ enough to be our utmost for His highest-our best for His glory?
God saves people by His sovereign grace through the atonement of Jesus, and "it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure" (Philippians 2:13). But we have to "work out" that salvation in our everyday, practical living (Philippians 2:12). If we will only start on the basis of His redemption to do what He commands, then we find that we can do it. If we fail, it is because we have not yet put into practice what God has placed within us. But a crisis will reveal whether or not we have been putting it into practice. If we will obey the Spirit of God and practice in our physical life what God has placed within us by His Spirit, then when the crisis does come we shall find that our own nature, as well as the grace of God, will stand by us.
Thank God that He does give us difficult things to do! His salvation is a joyous thing, but it is also something that requires bravery, courage, and holiness. It tests us for all we are worth. Jesus is "bringing many sons to glory" (Hebrews 2:10), and God will not shield us from the requirements of sonship. God's grace produces men and women with a strong family likeness to Jesus Christ, not pampered, spoiled weaklings. It takes a tremendous amount of discipline to live the worthy and excellent life of a disciple of Jesus in the realities of life. And it is always necessary for us to make an effort to live a life of worth and excellence."

If we have the enduring goal to think biblically; then when trials and difficulties come, we will be prepared to handle them with "bravery, courage, and holiness." As one who is in the midst of a great trial, I can say that it is worth the "effort to live a life of worth and excellence." I couldn't handle all this without the help of Christ and the Holy Spirit in my life. It is not I, "but Christ (who) lives in me" (Galatians 2:20).

Two Enduring Goals

2011-03-07T20:05:00.000-08:00

New Year's resolutions. We have probably all made some at one time or another. Maybe some we kept for some time, others we likely let fall away. Usually they aren't the kind of things that command a long term commitment. I had intended to sit down in January and work through a goal sheet I had forwarded to me from one of my sister-in-laws. But life took over and I never got around to it. But my desire for setting some significant goals has remained. Fortunately, this desire was answered recently through a book I just finished reading.

A friend sent me the book "The Mystery of God's Will" by Charles Swindoll. As I was reading the last chapter, Swindoll shared two enduring goals he has. I was very excited reading the section and agreed heartily with what he wrote. Now I have words to share what my greatest desires are, not just for this year, but for the rest of my life. Here is the excerpt from his book:

"I have two enduring goals in life. First and foremost, I desire to learn how to think biblically. I want to see life through the lens of God's eyes for the rest of my days. I don't want to argue with Him, but I desperately desire to obey Him. And so I want to see life, whether it be struggle or joy, whether it be loss or gain, through God's perspective.

I want to be able to turn to the Scriptures and find direction and help. And when I can't find answers, I want to trust and to wait for God, even when I can't understand the reason behind where I'm going. And I want to have inner peace through all of that. . . True contentment. . .

And coming in a close second, I want to encourage other people to do the same thing. I want to help them know how to do what I am learning to do."

These goals are not just for the present time or for the remainder of this year. They are meant to be lasting, enduring. Now I have my goals, and I will do my best to "press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." (Philippians 3:12)

The Reason for the Hope

2011-03-07T09:17:00.000-08:00

Driving home from taking my girl to school this morning, one of my favorite songs by Casting Crowns came on my iPod - "All Because of "Jesus". I love this song because it gives explanation to the admonition in 1 Peter 3:15 . . .

. . . Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. . . -1 Peter 3:15

Jesus is the reason I am alive; the reason for the hope that is within me.

“Preach the gospel always; If necessary use words." ~ St. Francis of Assisi.

My Adoption Story

2011-03-06T21:08:00.000-08:00

Romans 8:28 states that “in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” This was one of the first Scriptures I memorized as a young believer and it has been my life verse because its truth has been played out in my life in a very real way.

At the age of about 9, my next door neighbor shared the Gospel with me and I prayed to receive Christ as my Savior. While I received the free gift of salvation at that time, I didn’t understand what it meant to have a personal relationship with God and I certainly didn’t understand that I didn’t have to do anything to earn God’s love and approval. By nature I was a pleaser. I didn’t want to disappoint people. As I continued into my teen years, this need for acceptance began to grow in me in a negative way.

In junior high I struggled with a poor self image and lack of confidence and self esteem. I didn’t feel like I fit in anywhere. As I entered high school I focused on school and earned a 4.0 GPA as well as a photography award. I still felt awkward and the yearning to belong and fit in was growing. I decided to go out for color guard; and I made it. My sophomore year I began to feel a sense of belonging. I had a group of people to “hang out” with regularly. I was identified with a group. As I entered my junior year things got better. I was the color guard co-leader; I had blossomed a bit; and I had my first boyfriend. But deep down I was still that young girl with a longing in my heart. As a result, I compromised what I knew to be right and entered into an intimate relationship with my boyfriend. As a result, I ended up getting pregnant. My life turned upside down.

Facing parenthood at the age of 16 was frightening and overwhelming. There was never any doubt that I would have the baby; I believed I was carrying a life and did not even consider ending it. Once I finally told my parents, they offered me a great deal of support as did the rest of my family. I was also blessed with two close friends at school who stood by me. At this time I began to develop a personal relationship with the Lord. When bad or difficult things happen, it is a natural place to turn. I also entered into counseling and spent many long hours talking with my parents. I began to consider adoption. While I had a desire to raise my child, I questioned whether I would be able to do it well. I feared that I would not be able to provide all that was needed. I also feared that I wanted to be a parent in order to fill that void I was feeling in my life. Adoption would allow my child the benefit of two parents, a stable home, a better chance to have all that life had to offer. It was difficult, but I decided to place my child for adoption; and I decided to have an open adoption.

It was at this time that the Lord began to reveal Himself to me in a real way. An open adoption meant I was able to choose the family I wanted to adopt my baby. This was a terribly important decision; one I had to be completely sure about. I knew from the moment I saw the family’s photos that they were the couple I wanted to raise my baby. It was God’s divine timing that brought us together. The family had been taken out of the prospective families for personal reasons. My counselor wasn’t even sure if they were ready to be considered. She showed me their photos as a clear “maybe”. God knew and in a short time they confirmed they were ready and we were meeting for the first time. It was a bit awkward at first, but we quickly warmed to one another and the conversation flowed easily. The decision was final and we waited.

In mid-July I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She was perfect in every way. I chose to give her most of her feedings; treasuring the time with her. After signing the paperwork and having a small ceremony in the hospital chapel, I sent her home with her family; officially giving up my right to be her mom. It was hard, but I was comforted knowing I had done the right thing. Strangely, life moved forward. It is strange knowing a part of you is off somewhere else; but she has never been far from my thoughts. My first born is now 23 years old. I have been blessed by continued contact with her and her family all these years through letters and pictures and now Facebook of all places.

Although this is the story of my daughter’s adoption; it is only the beginning of MY adoption story. Even though this event in my life served to lead me to a closer relationship with the Lord, I was still far from understanding the whole truth. I was still plagued with the need for acceptance and it was heightened more now that I carried guilt over the conception and relinquishing of my daughter. I now felt I had to earn God’s forgiveness. I still wasn’t able to fully give my life over to God. As I finished high school and entered college I was still allowing things to keep me from experiencing the joy of knowing God personally. Finally, the Lord once again intervened and broke off the remaining chains keeping me from Him. I started attending church and hearing the Word of God first hand. The light bulb went on and I got it.

The very first Bible verse I ever memorized was John 3:16 which states that “God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” I had never really comprehended the words to that verse. Now they had new meaning. God gave His only Son for me. I could relate to giving up a child. Although I didn’t give my daughter up to death, my right to be her mother was put “to death” and I knew how terribly painful and difficult it had been. Knowing that God loved me enough to give up his Son to death was an incredible revelation; and I began to feel the hole in my soul closing up. I was loved as I was - mistakes and all.

Another verse I learned early on was Proverbs 3:5-6. These verses say, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.” I had seen this truth worked out in my own life. When I discovered I was pregnant, my future path became a twisted mess. I was in the dark and had no idea which way to go. I reached a fork in the road and had to make one of the most important decisions ever. When I turned to God and trusted Him to lead me; my path suddenly seemed clear and I knew just which way to go. Had I relied on my own feelings and emotions, I risked making a choice that was not the best for my daughter.

And finally, Romans 8:28 which is where I began. “God works for the good to those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” I had created a not so great situation for myself and my daughter. But because I loved God and sought His will for both of us; God worked the situation out for the good of my baby, for me, and for his glory.

My beautiful baby girl is now a beautiful young woman. She has chosen to follow after God with her whole heart. She is part of a wonderful family. The opportunities presented to her throughout her life have been numerous. I never would have been able to provide her with those experiences. God has blessed her with creative talent and a tender heart for young people.
I consider my life quite blessed as well. God brought a wonderful man into my life who has accepted my past. He is my best friend; supportive and loving. We have two wonderful children together. Our life is comfortable. And the need for love and acceptance I once felt so deeply has been met. I have been ADOPTED by the King of kings and am now an heir to the Kingdom of Heaven. My sins have been forgiven and I am a new creation in Christ. When doubts begin to creep in, I have God’s Word to turn to as well as an open channel to the Father Himself.

And because of all that God has done in my life, I desire to live a life of obedience to Him. I am not perfect; I still make mistakes. But God has forgiven my sins past, present and future. Following after God has given me an eternal perspective, and it fills me with hope in my everyday life. Anything bad or difficult I may endure I know I can get through because God has promised to never leave me or forsake me; He gives me strength to do all things. I can‘t help but give God all the glory. He can do the same for you. All you have to do is ask.

A New Endeavor

2011-03-06T20:43:00.000-08:00

Three years ago I started a blog to journal family events and share photos with family and friends. Occasionally I added thoughts from my studies or readings. Recently I decided I'd like to start another blog for the express purpose of sharing what I've been learning in my walk with the Lord.

Since I began walking with the Lord wholeheartedly in my early 20's, it has been my greatest desire to follow 2 Peter 3:18 - to grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. God's word and His will are a constant surprise to me; and the more I learn, the less I know!

As I share my heart here, I will have a place to look back and be reminded of all God has done in my life. I hope that others will also find encouragement and be challenged in their lives.

I felt the best place to begin was at the beginning. I'll start by sharing my testimony - how the Lord redeemed me and made me a "daughter of the King."