Light in the Darkness
On September 2nd we celebrated Dennis' 49th birthday. I wrote on Facebook, that for a cancer survivor and his family, birthdays are a treasured gift.
On August 18, two years ago we received the news of Dennis' colon cancer diagnosis. It was a great shock and life as we knew it came to a screeching halt. Our lives have been filled with all things medical for the past two years. August 5 was the one year anniversary of Dennis' last chemotherapy infusion and August 17 was one year from his porta-cath removal. We thought this would be his last surgery and that life could begin to move forward - that we could get back to "normal".
But as we've written before, we are now living a "new normal". Dennis is still dealing with affects from his treatment and surgery. He still has follow-up appointments. We still have medical bills. And he had to have another surgery which was related to his previous surgeries. Dennis developed a hernia at his ostomy site that he and his surgeon decided to repair. It was another set back in what had otherwise been a very typical summer for us. We enjoyed local activities, played together at home, and even enjoyed a week in Phoenix, Arizona in late July.
Dennis had the hernia surgery on August 1st. He came home the next day in a great deal of discomfort and this lasted for a good week. Thankfully he "turned a corner" at the one week mark and was able to get around more and begin to resume more activities little by little. By four weeks, he was feeling himself again.
In speaking with one of my sister-in-law's on the phone, she asked me about being a caretaker. I told her it was what the Lord had given me to do and I did it. Over the course of this cancer journey, I've been learning more about service, love, and joy. Just as Jesus did not come to be served, but to serve (Matthew 20:28); so I have chosen the role of servant to my family which has included caring for my husband through his illness and treatment. And I have been learning to do this with an attitude of love as defined in 1 Corinthians 13. Love is patient, kind, polite, humble, not selfish, it never gives up, never stops trusting, never loses hope, and never quits. As I've tried to be a cheerleader to my husband in his fight against cancer, I've learned to "count it all joy" (James 1:2), doing my best to find the good and count the blessings.
While I feel that on most days I could say that I put those lessons into practice, there have been other days that I was lacking a servant's heart, did not love unconditionally and felt despair over our circumstances. This last surgery in particular was the proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back"; and by the third week after surgery I was beginning to bubble over with feelings of anger, hopelessness, and loss. I felt like everything was a mess - my appearance, the kids' behavior and attitudes, the cleanliness of our house, our finances, and my relationship with the Lord and my husband was distant. Everything felt "out of sorts" and I was consumed with all that was not going right and feeling like things would never be right again. I was tired of running things by myself and just needed the chance to stop and take a break without feeling like everything would crumble if I wasn't there to keep it going.
These feelings did not last all that long. I knew that the distance I was feeling from the Lord was at the root of my problem. I had been going full steam on my own strength and not relying on the Lord to carry me through each day. I once again picked up my 1,000 gift counting, started a Women of Faith study on Joy, got back into my study of John, and talked to the Lord throughout the day in prayer anytime dark feelings started to creep in. I also picked up a book by Sally Clarkson, "Seasons of a Mother's Heart" that I have been reading on and off for quite some time. (I'm grateful for my gracious friend who has allowed me to keep it this long!) The chapter I was on, "Light in the Darkness", put into words exactly what I was going through.
She reminded me that sometimes we can be like Christian in "Pilgrim's Progress" (which Ellie and I just finished reading). We can often find ourselves "getting more and more bogged down in the 'slough of despond'. Our feelings of discouragement and failure draw us deeper and deeper into the mire and we find it difficult to pull ourselves out. "But just as Help came along to aid Christian's escape from the slough of despond, I have found God's help to escape the times of darkness and discouragement that I have sometimes fallen into." (p. 223-224)
Sally Clarkson went on to share three biblical truths that allow us to "draw upon God's grace to escape (our) despair." (p. 224) First we must depend upon God. By recognizing that life is sometimes difficult and that we need God to get through it, we can get back on the path of light once again. How quickly I can forget Philippians 4:13 which promises me that "I can do all things through him who gives me strength."
Next we need to faithfully obey God. "Saying we believe in God is one thing; acting in faith because we believe is quite another." (p. 225) Sometimes we need to trust in the truth of Scripture and wait for the feelings to follow. By getting back into God's Word, I was reminded what I must do and how I must do it. Although my circumstances have not changed, the Holy Spirit was able to change me through them.
Thirdly, we need to faithfully wait on God's timing. I have often reminded myself at the end of a discouraging day, that God's mercies are "new every morning". If I messed up today, He will forgive me and I get to start fresh tomorrow. Sometimes we pray for deliverance from our current circumstances. And while God hears our prayers and will answer, it is not always right away or in the way we would like. But it is during the waiting that we "hear his voice" and "He gives (us) what (we) really need. . . "Waiting gives God's Spirit time to change my attitudes and emotions, and to change my perspective." (p. 229)
And as Sally ended the chapter with a reminder that "waiting in the Bible is often synonymous with hope," (p. 229) so I was able to look ahead with hope in our circumstances. Dennis may always have issues related to his surgery and treatment which require more out of me, we may carry our financial difficulties with us for some time, my children will sometimes disappoint me and there will be times that I blow it with my family or others. But there is no need to remain in a state of discouragement or despair. God is faithful to supply all of our needs and His Word promises that He "will work all things together for good".
"I know I have had many times of great joy and peace, yet many days of darkness, too. But the more I learn to faithfully depend upon God, obey him, and wait on him, the more light there is when the dark feelings come. As long as I can see his light in the darkness, I know I'll be able to follow as he leads me through it, by faith, one day at a time. He may not change my circumstances that I believe are causing my feelings of darkness, but he will strengthen me to live by faith in the midst of those inevitable challenging circumstances and difficult times." (pp. 229-230)
Overall, Dennis has experienced improvement in his physical state and digestive issues. The new school year is underway and so far he is managing the busy days pretty well. The kids and I are in our fourth week of school and although it's not the blissful experience I always hope for, good things are still taking place and I will continue to press on.
As Sally writes, "like Paul and David, and so many other faithful Christians, I want to be found faithful in the place where God has placed me. I want to be a faithful source of his light to my children, my husband, and to all who pass by my home. When I face the inevitable times of dark feelings, I want my life to be an example of the truth that God's light shines brightest when it shines in the darkness." (p. 230)
On August 18, two years ago we received the news of Dennis' colon cancer diagnosis. It was a great shock and life as we knew it came to a screeching halt. Our lives have been filled with all things medical for the past two years. August 5 was the one year anniversary of Dennis' last chemotherapy infusion and August 17 was one year from his porta-cath removal. We thought this would be his last surgery and that life could begin to move forward - that we could get back to "normal".
But as we've written before, we are now living a "new normal". Dennis is still dealing with affects from his treatment and surgery. He still has follow-up appointments. We still have medical bills. And he had to have another surgery which was related to his previous surgeries. Dennis developed a hernia at his ostomy site that he and his surgeon decided to repair. It was another set back in what had otherwise been a very typical summer for us. We enjoyed local activities, played together at home, and even enjoyed a week in Phoenix, Arizona in late July.
Dennis had the hernia surgery on August 1st. He came home the next day in a great deal of discomfort and this lasted for a good week. Thankfully he "turned a corner" at the one week mark and was able to get around more and begin to resume more activities little by little. By four weeks, he was feeling himself again.
In speaking with one of my sister-in-law's on the phone, she asked me about being a caretaker. I told her it was what the Lord had given me to do and I did it. Over the course of this cancer journey, I've been learning more about service, love, and joy. Just as Jesus did not come to be served, but to serve (Matthew 20:28); so I have chosen the role of servant to my family which has included caring for my husband through his illness and treatment. And I have been learning to do this with an attitude of love as defined in 1 Corinthians 13. Love is patient, kind, polite, humble, not selfish, it never gives up, never stops trusting, never loses hope, and never quits. As I've tried to be a cheerleader to my husband in his fight against cancer, I've learned to "count it all joy" (James 1:2), doing my best to find the good and count the blessings.
While I feel that on most days I could say that I put those lessons into practice, there have been other days that I was lacking a servant's heart, did not love unconditionally and felt despair over our circumstances. This last surgery in particular was the proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back"; and by the third week after surgery I was beginning to bubble over with feelings of anger, hopelessness, and loss. I felt like everything was a mess - my appearance, the kids' behavior and attitudes, the cleanliness of our house, our finances, and my relationship with the Lord and my husband was distant. Everything felt "out of sorts" and I was consumed with all that was not going right and feeling like things would never be right again. I was tired of running things by myself and just needed the chance to stop and take a break without feeling like everything would crumble if I wasn't there to keep it going.
These feelings did not last all that long. I knew that the distance I was feeling from the Lord was at the root of my problem. I had been going full steam on my own strength and not relying on the Lord to carry me through each day. I once again picked up my 1,000 gift counting, started a Women of Faith study on Joy, got back into my study of John, and talked to the Lord throughout the day in prayer anytime dark feelings started to creep in. I also picked up a book by Sally Clarkson, "Seasons of a Mother's Heart" that I have been reading on and off for quite some time. (I'm grateful for my gracious friend who has allowed me to keep it this long!) The chapter I was on, "Light in the Darkness", put into words exactly what I was going through.
She reminded me that sometimes we can be like Christian in "Pilgrim's Progress" (which Ellie and I just finished reading). We can often find ourselves "getting more and more bogged down in the 'slough of despond'. Our feelings of discouragement and failure draw us deeper and deeper into the mire and we find it difficult to pull ourselves out. "But just as Help came along to aid Christian's escape from the slough of despond, I have found God's help to escape the times of darkness and discouragement that I have sometimes fallen into." (p. 223-224)
Sally Clarkson went on to share three biblical truths that allow us to "draw upon God's grace to escape (our) despair." (p. 224) First we must depend upon God. By recognizing that life is sometimes difficult and that we need God to get through it, we can get back on the path of light once again. How quickly I can forget Philippians 4:13 which promises me that "I can do all things through him who gives me strength."
Next we need to faithfully obey God. "Saying we believe in God is one thing; acting in faith because we believe is quite another." (p. 225) Sometimes we need to trust in the truth of Scripture and wait for the feelings to follow. By getting back into God's Word, I was reminded what I must do and how I must do it. Although my circumstances have not changed, the Holy Spirit was able to change me through them.
Thirdly, we need to faithfully wait on God's timing. I have often reminded myself at the end of a discouraging day, that God's mercies are "new every morning". If I messed up today, He will forgive me and I get to start fresh tomorrow. Sometimes we pray for deliverance from our current circumstances. And while God hears our prayers and will answer, it is not always right away or in the way we would like. But it is during the waiting that we "hear his voice" and "He gives (us) what (we) really need. . . "Waiting gives God's Spirit time to change my attitudes and emotions, and to change my perspective." (p. 229)
And as Sally ended the chapter with a reminder that "waiting in the Bible is often synonymous with hope," (p. 229) so I was able to look ahead with hope in our circumstances. Dennis may always have issues related to his surgery and treatment which require more out of me, we may carry our financial difficulties with us for some time, my children will sometimes disappoint me and there will be times that I blow it with my family or others. But there is no need to remain in a state of discouragement or despair. God is faithful to supply all of our needs and His Word promises that He "will work all things together for good".
"I know I have had many times of great joy and peace, yet many days of darkness, too. But the more I learn to faithfully depend upon God, obey him, and wait on him, the more light there is when the dark feelings come. As long as I can see his light in the darkness, I know I'll be able to follow as he leads me through it, by faith, one day at a time. He may not change my circumstances that I believe are causing my feelings of darkness, but he will strengthen me to live by faith in the midst of those inevitable challenging circumstances and difficult times." (pp. 229-230)
Overall, Dennis has experienced improvement in his physical state and digestive issues. The new school year is underway and so far he is managing the busy days pretty well. The kids and I are in our fourth week of school and although it's not the blissful experience I always hope for, good things are still taking place and I will continue to press on.
As Sally writes, "like Paul and David, and so many other faithful Christians, I want to be found faithful in the place where God has placed me. I want to be a faithful source of his light to my children, my husband, and to all who pass by my home. When I face the inevitable times of dark feelings, I want my life to be an example of the truth that God's light shines brightest when it shines in the darkness." (p. 230)
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