I recently read Gary Thomas' book
Sacred Marriage. The premise of his book is how marriage can help us to deepen our relationship with God. When I read a book like this, I like to journal about it to help me remember what I've read. Here I've written some of the points that stood out to me the most. These barely scratch the surface of what Gary Thomas included in his book, so I definitely encourage you to read it for yourself.
Chapter 1: Marriage is intended to make us holy more than to make us happy. Marriage can help us to grow in our service, obedience, character, pursuit and love of God. It forces us to face character issues we would never have otherwise. Marriage calls us to a new and selfless life.
Chapter 2: Marriage points us to true fulfillment. It helps us draw meaning, purpose and fulfillment from God. If our marriage relationship is right, we won't make severe demands on marriage asking one another to compensate for spiritual emptiness. We experience dissatisfaction in marriage when we expect too much from it. God designed marriage to point us to Himself, not to compete with Himself.
Chapter 3: We can learn truths about God through marriage. Married couples can display the ongoing commitment between Christ and His church. When we have a God-centered view of marriage, we desire to preserve our marriage because it brings glory to God and points a sinful world to a reconciling Creator. The nature of Christ's work on the cross was to reconcile us to God. Our response should be to be reconcilers ourselves.
Chapter 4: Marriage teaches us how to love. We cannot love God without loving our spouse well. The virtues needed to love our spouse and have that love returned are the same ones needed for us to love God and to feel His love in return. These virtues are listening, patience, humility, and faithful love. Marriage calls us out of ourselves as we learn to love someone who is different from ourselves. Marriage helps us to see that we are not all there is; it calls us to give way to another, but it also teaches us to find joy, happiness and ecstasy in another.
Chapter 5: Marriage teaches us how to respect others. Christian marriage calls us to focus our efforts on giving respect. Respect is harder to give as our partner's weaknesses become more familiar. Giving respect is an act of maturity which comes from having an understanding of God's grace. When we show respect to others, it leads us to respect the God who created us and shapes us. Work to understand your spouse. Be thankful for your spouse. When there is mutual respect, selflessness becomes contagious.
Chapter 6: Marriage can foster a good prayer life. Prayer is essential to the Christian life. It helps us regain the proper priorities, discern biblical wisdom and make right judgments. To improve our prayer life, we must learn to respect our spouse, to be considerate, to forgive, and to look to God to meet our needs. When we serve one another sexually, a major temptation and distraction is removed.
Chapter 7: Marriage exposes our sin. When our sin and hurtful attitudes are revealed, it can lead us into a spirit of humility. Marriage forces me to face myself honestly and consider my character flaws, selfishness and anti-Christian attitudes and encourages me to be sanctified, cleansed and to grow in godliness. We should enter marriage not predominantly to be fulfilled, emotionally satisfied or romantically changed, but rather to become more like Christ. We will be most happy and most fulfilled from becoming a better spouse rather than from demanding a better spouse. Sin can lead to self-destruction or to greater maturity and growth. The choice is yours.
Chatper 8: Marriage helps us develop the spiritual discipline of perseverance. Building a sacred history together can be hard work. God's relationship with Israel mirrors the relationship of a husband and wife. God persevered in being there for the Israelites. He never turned His back on them. As we stick with our spouses through good times and bad, we develop the character of God. It takes at least a decade for the sense of intimacy to root itself in marriage. We need commitment, tenacity, and perseverance, the same things we need to develop as faithful followers of God. 2 Thessalonians 3:5 says, "May the Lord direct your hearts into God's love and Christ's perseverance. This is the best recipe for holiness and a successful life here on earth. Building a sacred history with our spouse teaches us to be persistent in doing good, even when we want to do something else.
Chapter 9: By embracing difficulties, we can build character. Suffering is a necessary part of the Christian life. It was modeled by Jesus who suffered more than we ever will in His service to God. Struggle makes us stronger; it builds us up and deepens our faith. We can only achieve this, however, when we face the struggle head-on, not by running from it. You have to work for a good marriage. There is meaning in our trials. Our character is being perfected, our faith is being built, our heavenly reward is being increased. A difficult marriage does not pronounce a death sentence on a meaningful life, instead it provides opportunities for spiritual growth.
Chatper 10: Marriage teaches us to forgive. Christian love is an aggressive movement and an active commitment. If we want to become like Jesus, we need to initiate love toward others, beginning with our spouse. When we get married, we are agreeing to grow together so that we will share a unique bond. Communication is the lifeblood of marriage - both verbal and physical. We have a duty to meet our spouse's needs and a Christian duty not to demand too much from him or her. In order to move toward our spouse there are three disciplines we must follow. The first is not running from conflict. When disagreements or challenges arise, the natural tendency is to run; but mature adults realize that every relationship involves conflict, confession and forgiveness. Learning to navigate conflict influences our relationship with God. The second discipline is compromise. When we allow someone to have their way, for the right reasons, it can be a form of saying, "I love you." Compromise is the center of fellowship. We must choose to die to ourselves and not gloat when ground is given to us. We must learn the art of loyalty. We must continue to love the person we married, not the person we thought we married. The third spiritual discipline needed to move toward your spouse is forgiveness. One of marriage's primary purposes is to teach us how to forgive. We will all eventually be hurt, making forgiveness essential. True forgiveness is a process and not an event. When we extend forgiveness, we are molded further into the character of Christ.
Chapter 11: If we are to become like Christ, we must learn to become servants. Marriage gives us the opportunity to do just that. When we act in service with godly motives, resentment will lessen. Service includes allowing your spouse to give. True service is performed willingly. It's not what we get our of our marriage but about what we become in our marriage. To become a servant is to become strong spiritually. The spiritual beauty of sexuality is seen in service, lovingly meeting the physical needs of our mate. The spiritual meaning of a Christian's sexuality is found in giving.
Chapter 12: Sex often represents the best and worst moments of our lives. The institution of marriage is the only context in which sexuality becomes spiritually meaningful and helpful. Gratitude to God for this amazing experience is essential; otherwise, the powerful feelings associated with sex will lead us to focus on self. We mustn't reduce sex to a merely physical or spiritual experience. It is both. The desire a man and woman have for each other is there by God's design. Marriage takes the raw force of sexuality and connects it with emotional intimacy, companionship, family responsibilities, and permanency of relationship. In so doing, it provides a context that encourages spiritual growth by moving us to value character, virtue, and godliness. A godly marriage shapes our view of beauty to focus on internal qualities. Marriage helps us to move from an obsession over a body "which does not exist" into a reconsideration of priorities and values. We may not think our body is perfect, but it is the only body we have to give; so give what you have. Sex calls us to connect with each other and to groom our character. Passion and engagement should be cultivated in marriage. God wants us to run into sex, but to do so with His presence, priorities, and virtues marking our pursuit.
Chapter 13: Marriage helps us to be more aware of God's presence in our lives. It is our duty in marriage to communicate, but we must speak carefully. We also must learn to listen. Learning to communicate effectively is part of the process of the two becoming one. Christianity does not direct us to focus on finding the right person; it calls us to become the right person. Let your relationship with your spouse point you to what you really need most of all: God's love and active presence in your life. My satisfaction or dissatisfaction with my marriage has far more to do with my relationship to God than it does with my relationship to my spouse. Not only can being married remind us of God's nature and character, but it also reminds us of his moral claims on our lives. A spiritually discerning marriage will be a tool of sanctification. Marriage also leads us into the domain of creation. Creating a family is the closest we get to sharing the image of God. If we engage in marriage thoughtfully, purposefully, and with godly intentions, our wedlock will shape us in a way that few other life experiences can. It will usher us into God's own presence.
Chapter 14: Marriage becomes a part of our spiritual calling, mission and purpose. There are times when I must sacrifice my ambition to succeed in God's service so I can be fully present and involved in the lives of my spouse and my children. "If I ignore God's son/daughter to do God's work, am I honoring God?" When we get married, we make a certain promise to our spouse that we will devote a considerable amount of energy, initiative, and time into building and nurturing the relationship. True devotion serves and blesses our family; it doesn't compete with them. It is one thing to do the right thing and it is another thing entirely to do the right thing with the right spirit - and our motives and character are surely being tested in marriage. There is no question that marriage limits how much we can do, but it multiplies what we can become. If we are led into marriage, then marriage becomes an essential element of our mission. If we are going to learn how to live out our mission in the marriage relationship, we must learn to be more selfless, and we have to become more connected with each other. When marriage is placed within the context of God's redemptive plan, we stay married, as far as it depends on us, as a means to express God's commitment to his people; when the marriages is ended by God's design - through death - our ultimate purpose hasn't changed. We allow marriage to point beyond itself when we accept two central missions: becoming the people God created us to be, and doing the work God has given us to do. If we actively embrace these two missions, we will have a full life, a rich life, a meaningful life, and a successful life. The irony is, we will probably also have a happy marriage, but that will come as a blessed by-product of putting everything else in order.
Sacred Marriage
by Gary Thomas
Zondervan 2000
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