Lessons in Sympathy
Sympathy. Dictionary.com defines it as “the fact or power of sharing the feelings of another, especially in sorrow or trouble; fellow feeling, compassion or commiseration.” Sally Clarkson says it like this in Seasons of a Mother’s Heart - “sympathy is simply the willingness to understand and validate (another’s) thoughts and feelings” (pp. 145-146).
I have taken several spiritual inventory “tests” through the years, and I have always come up low in the areas of mercy, compassion and tenderness. My strengths have always been those of teaching, wisdom and administration. I know each person has been given different gifts (1 Corinthians 12:4), but we are also told the second greatest commandment is to love our neighbors (Matthew 22:39) and surely sympathy and compassion are ways to express love. This is an area I have needed to grow in for some time. While I am able to speak the truth, I fail miserably at times at doing it in love (Ephesians 4:15). I have the desire in my heart to spur others on to maturity in Christ, including my own children, but have failed to do so with love and have therefore wounded spirits and severed relationships.
Another area of compassion I have failed in is in the area of service. As a part of Bible study groups and a Mommy group, I had participated in dinner ministry many times when someone had had a baby. I admit that I did it because it was expected. I never knew what to make and didn’t feel that I took very good meals. I found it awkward to go to someone’s home and meet their husbands and other family that might be there. I was out of my comfort zone.
Fortunately, when we enter into a personal relationship with Christ and are committed to growing in the grace and knowledge of Him (2 Peter 3:18) God the Father does what is necessary to help us grow and mature in our faith. Often this is done through trials (James 1:2-4).
In August of 2010 my husband was diagnosed with colon cancer. He spent the next year going through radiation, chemotherapy, surgery and more chemotherapy. During that time we were the recipients of overflowing compassion, tenderness and sympathy from more people than we can count. They prayed for us, brought us meals, provided financial gifts, and sent us many messages of encouragement. It was overwhelming and we found ourselves humbled many times over. This outpouring of love began to soften me and I saw how important it was to offer assistance whenever I could with a heart of sympathy, and not just duty.
I’ve since had another lesson in compassion. I had just finished reading the chapter on sympathy in Sally Clarkson’s book Seasons of a Mother’s Heart when I was confronted with my lack of sympathy with my daughter. She had been having a rough time during school this particular week and as we neared the end of a family day together she began to grow quiet and moody. We arrived home, got the kids in bed and my hubby and I settled down to watch a movie. We heard our daughter on the stairs and asked if she needed anything. She turned around and went back to bed. Then I heard her crying. I went in to her room to ask what was wrong. I hugged her for some time while she sobbed huge sobs until she was finally able to share what was on her heart. Ultimately, the problem was that her “love tank” was empty. She had felt more “truth” being spoken to her in the days previous than “love” and her spirit was wounded. In my desire to disciple her and help her grow in her areas of weakness, I had neglected to do it with sympathy. What an awful feeling to know you have hurt someone you care so deeply for.
I proceeded to tell her the things I loved about her now as a nine-year-old girl and how proud I was of her growth in certain areas. I also apologized for causing her to feel hurt and prayed out loud with her, thanking God for the gift of my girl. I could feel the tension release from her as if a huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders. I began to understand why she had been acting the way she had in the days previous. Since I have been blogging for some time, I went through my past blogs and printed up the ones I wrote about her on her birthdays and the year she started kindergarten. I left them on her nightstand. The next morning she found them and in the days following she spent time reading them (I know because she left them on her desk and a different page was on top each time.) She was like a new girl.
Sally Clarkson writes in her book, “I can spend so much time correcting them and teaching them all the right rules, that I forget the real goal of my instruction - to win their hearts for the Lord. . . And even though they understand that you want to help them grow to maturity in Christ, they must also sense that you accept them just as they are, and love them no matter what they do.” (p. 145)
This principle applies not only to our children, but to all our relationships. We cannot hope to spur others on to growth if we come at them with nothing but criticism, pointing out their failures. We must develop a positive relationship with them, one founded on trust and acceptance. They must believe that we truly care for them personally. So when needs arise with people in our sphere of influence, we need to reach out and help where we can with a heart of love.
Although Sally Clarkson’s book is written to mothers, I think her thoughts apply to all relationships, so I’ll share them. To show sympathy we need to accept and affirm each person’s unique God-given personality. In order to reach others for Christ we need to speak to them in their “love language” (read the Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman) or according to their personality type (read Educating the Wholehearted Child by Clay and Sally Clarkson). We can’t expect everyone to be like us.
There are people in my life who are great encouragers. They are always positive and see the good in people and situations. They are great to be around and you feel good when you leave them. This is in great contrast to those who are critical and negative. No one likes to be around people like this. Sadly, I have been this person more times than I care to remember. The way to counteract this is to believe in people’s potential. Romans 5:8 reminds us that Christ died for us while we were still sinners. “He didn’t wait for us to get life right. He saw within us something worth redeeming and restoring” (Seasons, p. 149). We need to see those in our sphere of influence through Christ’s eyes (eyes of compassion) and help them believe in their God-given potential.
It also helps to learn the language of sympathy. We have a very sensitive son who expresses his emotion openly - usually by crying when things don’t go his way. It is easy to get impatient because his reaction seems so over-the-top to us. He has been another way the Lord has been teaching me the lesson of sympathy. It’s not just the words I use, but my body language, expression and tone of my voice. My boy can crumble with a harsh word. I am learning to first acknowledge his feelings before offering a solution or doing any correcting. And when I do the latter, to use a loving, patient tone and relaxed body language. I have a tendency to clearly reveal my true feelings with my body language - which can be the exact opposite of what I am saying!
Living a life of sympathy is an appropriate response for the believer in Christ. Sally Clarkson writes, “we have a sympathetic God. Out of His boundless compassion and mercy, he showed sympathy for us by sending Jesus to die for our sins. Throughout Scripture, God’s merciful love is cited as the model for the kind of love we are to have for him and for others.” (p. 153) Colossians 3:12 tells us to clothe ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. We may be the only individuals who can communicate the love of Christ to others, so we must be careful to show His compassion so His message of love and acceptance is not lost on those we are trying to reach.
Although I’ve had some great lessons in this area, I do not claim to have reached perfection. I simply press on to grow in this area so that Christ might be glorified in my actions and speech. I want my husband and children to “remember feeling treasured” (Seasons, p. 154) and those I know and come in contact with to remember being related to with compassion and kindness so that they may know “the Christ that is in my heart” (Seasons, p. 154).
I have taken several spiritual inventory “tests” through the years, and I have always come up low in the areas of mercy, compassion and tenderness. My strengths have always been those of teaching, wisdom and administration. I know each person has been given different gifts (1 Corinthians 12:4), but we are also told the second greatest commandment is to love our neighbors (Matthew 22:39) and surely sympathy and compassion are ways to express love. This is an area I have needed to grow in for some time. While I am able to speak the truth, I fail miserably at times at doing it in love (Ephesians 4:15). I have the desire in my heart to spur others on to maturity in Christ, including my own children, but have failed to do so with love and have therefore wounded spirits and severed relationships.
Another area of compassion I have failed in is in the area of service. As a part of Bible study groups and a Mommy group, I had participated in dinner ministry many times when someone had had a baby. I admit that I did it because it was expected. I never knew what to make and didn’t feel that I took very good meals. I found it awkward to go to someone’s home and meet their husbands and other family that might be there. I was out of my comfort zone.
Fortunately, when we enter into a personal relationship with Christ and are committed to growing in the grace and knowledge of Him (2 Peter 3:18) God the Father does what is necessary to help us grow and mature in our faith. Often this is done through trials (James 1:2-4).
In August of 2010 my husband was diagnosed with colon cancer. He spent the next year going through radiation, chemotherapy, surgery and more chemotherapy. During that time we were the recipients of overflowing compassion, tenderness and sympathy from more people than we can count. They prayed for us, brought us meals, provided financial gifts, and sent us many messages of encouragement. It was overwhelming and we found ourselves humbled many times over. This outpouring of love began to soften me and I saw how important it was to offer assistance whenever I could with a heart of sympathy, and not just duty.
I’ve since had another lesson in compassion. I had just finished reading the chapter on sympathy in Sally Clarkson’s book Seasons of a Mother’s Heart when I was confronted with my lack of sympathy with my daughter. She had been having a rough time during school this particular week and as we neared the end of a family day together she began to grow quiet and moody. We arrived home, got the kids in bed and my hubby and I settled down to watch a movie. We heard our daughter on the stairs and asked if she needed anything. She turned around and went back to bed. Then I heard her crying. I went in to her room to ask what was wrong. I hugged her for some time while she sobbed huge sobs until she was finally able to share what was on her heart. Ultimately, the problem was that her “love tank” was empty. She had felt more “truth” being spoken to her in the days previous than “love” and her spirit was wounded. In my desire to disciple her and help her grow in her areas of weakness, I had neglected to do it with sympathy. What an awful feeling to know you have hurt someone you care so deeply for.
I proceeded to tell her the things I loved about her now as a nine-year-old girl and how proud I was of her growth in certain areas. I also apologized for causing her to feel hurt and prayed out loud with her, thanking God for the gift of my girl. I could feel the tension release from her as if a huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders. I began to understand why she had been acting the way she had in the days previous. Since I have been blogging for some time, I went through my past blogs and printed up the ones I wrote about her on her birthdays and the year she started kindergarten. I left them on her nightstand. The next morning she found them and in the days following she spent time reading them (I know because she left them on her desk and a different page was on top each time.) She was like a new girl.
Sally Clarkson writes in her book, “I can spend so much time correcting them and teaching them all the right rules, that I forget the real goal of my instruction - to win their hearts for the Lord. . . And even though they understand that you want to help them grow to maturity in Christ, they must also sense that you accept them just as they are, and love them no matter what they do.” (p. 145)
This principle applies not only to our children, but to all our relationships. We cannot hope to spur others on to growth if we come at them with nothing but criticism, pointing out their failures. We must develop a positive relationship with them, one founded on trust and acceptance. They must believe that we truly care for them personally. So when needs arise with people in our sphere of influence, we need to reach out and help where we can with a heart of love.
Although Sally Clarkson’s book is written to mothers, I think her thoughts apply to all relationships, so I’ll share them. To show sympathy we need to accept and affirm each person’s unique God-given personality. In order to reach others for Christ we need to speak to them in their “love language” (read the Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman) or according to their personality type (read Educating the Wholehearted Child by Clay and Sally Clarkson). We can’t expect everyone to be like us.
There are people in my life who are great encouragers. They are always positive and see the good in people and situations. They are great to be around and you feel good when you leave them. This is in great contrast to those who are critical and negative. No one likes to be around people like this. Sadly, I have been this person more times than I care to remember. The way to counteract this is to believe in people’s potential. Romans 5:8 reminds us that Christ died for us while we were still sinners. “He didn’t wait for us to get life right. He saw within us something worth redeeming and restoring” (Seasons, p. 149). We need to see those in our sphere of influence through Christ’s eyes (eyes of compassion) and help them believe in their God-given potential.
It also helps to learn the language of sympathy. We have a very sensitive son who expresses his emotion openly - usually by crying when things don’t go his way. It is easy to get impatient because his reaction seems so over-the-top to us. He has been another way the Lord has been teaching me the lesson of sympathy. It’s not just the words I use, but my body language, expression and tone of my voice. My boy can crumble with a harsh word. I am learning to first acknowledge his feelings before offering a solution or doing any correcting. And when I do the latter, to use a loving, patient tone and relaxed body language. I have a tendency to clearly reveal my true feelings with my body language - which can be the exact opposite of what I am saying!
Living a life of sympathy is an appropriate response for the believer in Christ. Sally Clarkson writes, “we have a sympathetic God. Out of His boundless compassion and mercy, he showed sympathy for us by sending Jesus to die for our sins. Throughout Scripture, God’s merciful love is cited as the model for the kind of love we are to have for him and for others.” (p. 153) Colossians 3:12 tells us to clothe ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. We may be the only individuals who can communicate the love of Christ to others, so we must be careful to show His compassion so His message of love and acceptance is not lost on those we are trying to reach.
Although I’ve had some great lessons in this area, I do not claim to have reached perfection. I simply press on to grow in this area so that Christ might be glorified in my actions and speech. I want my husband and children to “remember feeling treasured” (Seasons, p. 154) and those I know and come in contact with to remember being related to with compassion and kindness so that they may know “the Christ that is in my heart” (Seasons, p. 154).
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