Remembering
"We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure, and we thought we would never live through it. In fact, we expected to die. But as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely only on God, who raises the dead. And He did rescue us from mortal danger, and he will rescue us again. We have placed our confidence in Him, and He will continue to rescue us. And you are helping us by praying for us. Then many people will give thanks because God has graciously answered so many prayers for our safety." 2 Corinthians 1:8b-11 (NLT)
"I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to God. Many will see what He has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord." Psalm 40:1-3
This time of year brings a lot of emotions for me. A year ago we were reeling from the news that Dennis had colon cancer. I did not know what our future held. Didn't know if we would be celebrating Dennis' next birthday. Didn't know what condition he would be in if we did. But although I didn't know our future; I know Who held our future and I began to develop a deeper faith and trust in the Lord.
Cancer was the last thing I expected to hear on August 18, 2010. I stood in the hallway with the doctor very surprised. My heart raced as I listened and took in all the information he was giving. I stood there holding my Bible knowing even then, in spite of my fear, that God was with us. I returned to the waiting room wanting to cry, debating if I should call our parents or text my friend for prayer. Instead, I sat there and in the quiet of my heart, I went to the Father.
My conversation with God went something like, I know You are good. I know You don't give us more than we can handle. I know that whatever You call us to, You also equip us for. I don't want to be a single mom with two kids, but I don't want my husband to suffer and I can' t deny him heaven, so if it's Your will to take him, I trust You to meet all our needs. And as I looked at the study I had been working on all summer - "A Life of Worship", my next thought was - people are going to be watching how we handle this. Please help us to glorify You in everything.
The doctor didn't tell Dennis he had cancer. I had to tell him in the car on the way home. He barely remembered our conversation later after the sedation had worn off, so I had to tell him again. I told my parents that day before they left. I offered to call Dennis' mom, but he said he would. He stumbled over the words telling her the news. We sat together for a while. We cried. We prayed. I asked the Lord for a word of encouragement. He gave us a devotion from Oswald Chambers:
"A saint's life is in the hands of God like a bow and arrow in the hands of an archer. God is aiming at something the saint cannot see, but our Lord continues to stretch and strain. Faith is not some weak and pitiful emotion, but is strong and vigorous confidence built on the fact that God is holy love. And even though you cannot see Him right now and cannot understand what He is doing, you know Him. Faith is the supreme effort of your life - throwing yourself with abandon and total confidence upon God. The real meaning of eternal life is a life that can face anything it has to face without wavering." (My Utmost For His Highest)
I wrote the first of many updates to our family. Gradually we shared the news with others.
The beginning was a whirlwind of appointments, procedures, tests, and scans. Then it was time to begin making decisions. None of our early plans came to pass. Dennis didn't continue working. We didn't do treatment at San Antonio Hospital. We didn't do surgery first. God's ways are not our ways, thank goodness! He placed circumstances and people in our path that changed our course. We are glad He did.
Things were broken down into six week increments. It helped to cross the days off and see that we were moving forward. The time in between treatments was a special time for our family to relax and enjoy one another without the burden of medicine. We rejoiced with the news that the tumor didn't just shrink, but was gone by the end of radiation. God was at work and we had proof!
Surgery day came. The thing we had been so anxious for we almost did it first. While the surgery itself went well, the most difficult days were to come. Dennis ended up with an ostomy. A huge disappointment. But we were able to overlook it a bit at first when we got the news that the biopsies were negative for cancer. Dennis was cancer free! The ostomy caused obstacles to recovery and created new difficulties. It meant a second surgery. We were in the valley - in the boat on a stormy sea- in the fiery furnace; pick your analogy. When we took our eyes off the Lord we lost hope and saw only our circumstances. When we fixed our eyes on Jesus,"the Author and Perfecter of our faith" (Hebrews 12:2), we were able to "rise up on eagles wings and run and not grow weary" (Isaiah 40:31).
The second surgery came and we thought we were headed to the Promised Land. Then things took another turn and Dennis ended up back in the hospital for nine days - seven of them with an NG tube and nothing but an IV for nourishment. This was the greatest time of despair for us. Aimless days of waiting and wondering and questioning. We still trusted that the Lord was in control, but didn't understand where He was leading us - like wandering in the wilderness.
That journey finally came to an end and we headed home to begin preparations for the final leg of our race. The final treatments were short, but had a big impact on Dennis. Thankfully there were only four of them.
On August 17, 2011, almost one year to the day of his diagnosis, Dennis had his porta cath removed to mark the official end to his cancer treatment. His body is still recovering and healing - will be for the next year - but he has gained a great deal of strength and stamina already.
This next year will be lots of follow-up appointments (almost monthly among the three doctors). In April on the anniversary of surgery, Dennis will have to have another colonoscopy and CT scan. These will continue at varying intervals depending on the findings each time.
Although we used medical intervention, I believe it was the Lord who healed Dennis. I believe that He allowed the treatments to work in Dennis' body to fully heal him. Although the doctors predicted a good outcome due to Dennis' good health and age and an early discovery, they were still surprised at just how well he responded to treatment. Can't help but think of the lyrics to Chris Tomlin's song "Our God":
So we are adjusting to our "new normal" as we call it. Dennis is back at work teaching again this week. The kids and I are home working out homeschooling together. The days are very different than this time last year. But we have so much to be grateful for. And as we prepare to celebrate Dennis' birthday this weekend, I feel like I am the one receiving the best gift - the gift of my best friend still at my side. One of my favorite songs is Jesus Culture's "Your Love Never Fails". The lyrics really sum up this past year:
My life verse since I was 17 has been Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
I am grateful I have a personal relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ; that we have a Heavenly Father who cares deeply about the matters great and small in our lives; for the things I have learned this past year and the ways the Lord has helped me to grow; and for the gift of each day here with my husband and children. And it still remains my greatest desire today for God to receive all the glory for the great things He has done.
But I have to add that even if the Lord had seen fit to end this chapter in our lives differently, I would still praise the Lord in the storm. Because in Him there is eternal hope. We don't live for this present world and the things in it, but for the future hope of eternity with Christ. Regardless of the troubles we face here on earth, we have a glorious future ahead of us and that is where our gaze is fixed (2 Corinthians 4:18).
"I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to God. Many will see what He has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord." Psalm 40:1-3
This time of year brings a lot of emotions for me. A year ago we were reeling from the news that Dennis had colon cancer. I did not know what our future held. Didn't know if we would be celebrating Dennis' next birthday. Didn't know what condition he would be in if we did. But although I didn't know our future; I know Who held our future and I began to develop a deeper faith and trust in the Lord.
Cancer was the last thing I expected to hear on August 18, 2010. I stood in the hallway with the doctor very surprised. My heart raced as I listened and took in all the information he was giving. I stood there holding my Bible knowing even then, in spite of my fear, that God was with us. I returned to the waiting room wanting to cry, debating if I should call our parents or text my friend for prayer. Instead, I sat there and in the quiet of my heart, I went to the Father.
My conversation with God went something like, I know You are good. I know You don't give us more than we can handle. I know that whatever You call us to, You also equip us for. I don't want to be a single mom with two kids, but I don't want my husband to suffer and I can' t deny him heaven, so if it's Your will to take him, I trust You to meet all our needs. And as I looked at the study I had been working on all summer - "A Life of Worship", my next thought was - people are going to be watching how we handle this. Please help us to glorify You in everything.
The doctor didn't tell Dennis he had cancer. I had to tell him in the car on the way home. He barely remembered our conversation later after the sedation had worn off, so I had to tell him again. I told my parents that day before they left. I offered to call Dennis' mom, but he said he would. He stumbled over the words telling her the news. We sat together for a while. We cried. We prayed. I asked the Lord for a word of encouragement. He gave us a devotion from Oswald Chambers:
"A saint's life is in the hands of God like a bow and arrow in the hands of an archer. God is aiming at something the saint cannot see, but our Lord continues to stretch and strain. Faith is not some weak and pitiful emotion, but is strong and vigorous confidence built on the fact that God is holy love. And even though you cannot see Him right now and cannot understand what He is doing, you know Him. Faith is the supreme effort of your life - throwing yourself with abandon and total confidence upon God. The real meaning of eternal life is a life that can face anything it has to face without wavering." (My Utmost For His Highest)
I wrote the first of many updates to our family. Gradually we shared the news with others.
The beginning was a whirlwind of appointments, procedures, tests, and scans. Then it was time to begin making decisions. None of our early plans came to pass. Dennis didn't continue working. We didn't do treatment at San Antonio Hospital. We didn't do surgery first. God's ways are not our ways, thank goodness! He placed circumstances and people in our path that changed our course. We are glad He did.
Things were broken down into six week increments. It helped to cross the days off and see that we were moving forward. The time in between treatments was a special time for our family to relax and enjoy one another without the burden of medicine. We rejoiced with the news that the tumor didn't just shrink, but was gone by the end of radiation. God was at work and we had proof!
Surgery day came. The thing we had been so anxious for we almost did it first. While the surgery itself went well, the most difficult days were to come. Dennis ended up with an ostomy. A huge disappointment. But we were able to overlook it a bit at first when we got the news that the biopsies were negative for cancer. Dennis was cancer free! The ostomy caused obstacles to recovery and created new difficulties. It meant a second surgery. We were in the valley - in the boat on a stormy sea- in the fiery furnace; pick your analogy. When we took our eyes off the Lord we lost hope and saw only our circumstances. When we fixed our eyes on Jesus,"the Author and Perfecter of our faith" (Hebrews 12:2), we were able to "rise up on eagles wings and run and not grow weary" (Isaiah 40:31).
The second surgery came and we thought we were headed to the Promised Land. Then things took another turn and Dennis ended up back in the hospital for nine days - seven of them with an NG tube and nothing but an IV for nourishment. This was the greatest time of despair for us. Aimless days of waiting and wondering and questioning. We still trusted that the Lord was in control, but didn't understand where He was leading us - like wandering in the wilderness.
That journey finally came to an end and we headed home to begin preparations for the final leg of our race. The final treatments were short, but had a big impact on Dennis. Thankfully there were only four of them.
On August 17, 2011, almost one year to the day of his diagnosis, Dennis had his porta cath removed to mark the official end to his cancer treatment. His body is still recovering and healing - will be for the next year - but he has gained a great deal of strength and stamina already.
This next year will be lots of follow-up appointments (almost monthly among the three doctors). In April on the anniversary of surgery, Dennis will have to have another colonoscopy and CT scan. These will continue at varying intervals depending on the findings each time.
Although we used medical intervention, I believe it was the Lord who healed Dennis. I believe that He allowed the treatments to work in Dennis' body to fully heal him. Although the doctors predicted a good outcome due to Dennis' good health and age and an early discovery, they were still surprised at just how well he responded to treatment. Can't help but think of the lyrics to Chris Tomlin's song "Our God":
"Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God… "
So we are adjusting to our "new normal" as we call it. Dennis is back at work teaching again this week. The kids and I are home working out homeschooling together. The days are very different than this time last year. But we have so much to be grateful for. And as we prepare to celebrate Dennis' birthday this weekend, I feel like I am the one receiving the best gift - the gift of my best friend still at my side. One of my favorite songs is Jesus Culture's "Your Love Never Fails". The lyrics really sum up this past year:
"Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails
I know I still make mistakes
But You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails
Chorus:
You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning
And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails
Verse 2:
The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails
The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails
Bridge:
You make all things work together for my good
My life verse since I was 17 has been Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
I am grateful I have a personal relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ; that we have a Heavenly Father who cares deeply about the matters great and small in our lives; for the things I have learned this past year and the ways the Lord has helped me to grow; and for the gift of each day here with my husband and children. And it still remains my greatest desire today for God to receive all the glory for the great things He has done.
But I have to add that even if the Lord had seen fit to end this chapter in our lives differently, I would still praise the Lord in the storm. Because in Him there is eternal hope. We don't live for this present world and the things in it, but for the future hope of eternity with Christ. Regardless of the troubles we face here on earth, we have a glorious future ahead of us and that is where our gaze is fixed (2 Corinthians 4:18).
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