Thoughts on Being 43
Another year older. . . Lately life has felt a little chaotic. Some of this is just that several things have come up at once; but a lot of it is self-induced by my perfectionist, "need to please" personality.
On the homeschool front I am always questioning myself with whether the kids are learning enough. I worry that we're behind where we should be; that we won't finish our curriculum by year's end. Some days there is a lot of grumbling from the kids which I really dislike. Other days I am anxious to finish because there are things I need/want to do. And as my kids are with me all day, I see their character good and bad. I chastise myself for not discipling them well enough. But then I am reminded that they are not at the end of their race; just the beginning. And I am not the Holy Spirit; only the one to direct them to God's Word. I am also saddened at times when I realize I have the same flaws and also need to seek God's help in molding me more into His likeness. We are all being refined.
I also freely admit that I've allowed our schedule to become too relaxed. The kids and I have gotten a bit lazy with school. We do it everyday, but we seem to start later and later which means we finish later. I desire to exercise, but if I don't do it first thing in the morning, then it isn't likely to happen at all. This means I need to get up and get moving. Frankly, I'd rather sleep in. If I do and still exercise, then we start school later. And so the cycle goes.
Starting later and finishing later means available time in the afternoon is shorter. I then feel caught between getting chores done, running errands, wanting to spend time with the kids and maybe find a little time for myself. If I focus on one then the others seem to fall by the wayside. Finding a balance is always a challenge.
I have never been that great in the kitchen, although I have improved in 20 years of marriage. Now, however, meal planning, shopping and preparing has become a new area of struggle. My hubby has diet restrictions due to his colon surgery which makes many of our old favorites a no-go now. The internet is great for many reasons, but it can also provide too much information. Trying to learn how to cook new, healthier foods, to find things that fit Dennis' diet restrictions and to find ones the kids will eat takes some thought. And I don't like to be made to feel guilty about what I serve my family. Sometimes just getting something on the table is all I can do. My goal is to cook as healthy as I can for what the budget and the day allows. I've been reviewing some material I already had and taking in small chunks of info from just a couple of blogs and websites. I'm also learning to decipher if I am feeling conviction to do better or just guilt. Conviction is from the Lord, guilt is from the enemy. I remind myself that we have come a long way in our eating habits and although there is room for improvement, I don't have to subscribe to anyone else's convictions about food. Frankly, there are some things I like and don't want to give up entirely. I think moderation is okay; but I will continue to branch out and try new things.
And there is always the desire (not an entitlement) to have time to do something for me. The life I've chosen is one of service to my family. I am willing to "die to myself" daily, but sometimes it would be nice to have a bit of time just for myself. Lots of blogs say it's important for moms to have this time; but making it happen isn't always a reality. It happens now and again and I love it; but I remind myself this is just my current season. Soon enough the kids will be more independent and I will have some extra time to pursue my own interests. And although my hubby and I have managed a couple of date nights since the year began, it's still not a regular thing for this season in our lives. We make the best of the time we have, and that will satisfy for now.
But even though things have felt a bit topsy turvy lately, really my life is good and I feel especially blessed. I never overlook the fact that my husband is a gift to me. Knowing he could have been taken home to heaven, I am grateful- for my and the kids sake- that the Lord saw fit to allow him to remain here with us. My kids are a great blessing to me; they bring me joy, keep life interesting, and draw me to the Lord as I seek Him for wisdom to teach and disciple them. We are so blessed to be close to our family in distance as well as in relationship. We have a wonderful church where we have made many loving and supportive friends. Dennis has a job he enjoys and that allows him to use his gifts. I am loving the fact that I can use my gifts to teach our children at home. God always provides for our needs and we have found great contentment in a simple life. God is good and I am loved. That is enough.
I've been immersed in Chris Tomlin's CD "And If Our God Is For Us". I think the song that I am most identifying with at this time is "All To Us". I love the reminder that Jesus is the cornerstone and sure foundation; that He is faithful. I am very much waiting on Him. I am challenged by the reminder to "let the saving love of Christ be the measure of (my life)." It speaks of my belief that Jesus is the only Son of God sent from Heaven and that He provided hope and mercy at the cross. He is everything to me. I believe that "when this passing world is over (I) will see (Him) face to face and (will forever worship Him).
On the homeschool front I am always questioning myself with whether the kids are learning enough. I worry that we're behind where we should be; that we won't finish our curriculum by year's end. Some days there is a lot of grumbling from the kids which I really dislike. Other days I am anxious to finish because there are things I need/want to do. And as my kids are with me all day, I see their character good and bad. I chastise myself for not discipling them well enough. But then I am reminded that they are not at the end of their race; just the beginning. And I am not the Holy Spirit; only the one to direct them to God's Word. I am also saddened at times when I realize I have the same flaws and also need to seek God's help in molding me more into His likeness. We are all being refined.
I also freely admit that I've allowed our schedule to become too relaxed. The kids and I have gotten a bit lazy with school. We do it everyday, but we seem to start later and later which means we finish later. I desire to exercise, but if I don't do it first thing in the morning, then it isn't likely to happen at all. This means I need to get up and get moving. Frankly, I'd rather sleep in. If I do and still exercise, then we start school later. And so the cycle goes.
Starting later and finishing later means available time in the afternoon is shorter. I then feel caught between getting chores done, running errands, wanting to spend time with the kids and maybe find a little time for myself. If I focus on one then the others seem to fall by the wayside. Finding a balance is always a challenge.
I have never been that great in the kitchen, although I have improved in 20 years of marriage. Now, however, meal planning, shopping and preparing has become a new area of struggle. My hubby has diet restrictions due to his colon surgery which makes many of our old favorites a no-go now. The internet is great for many reasons, but it can also provide too much information. Trying to learn how to cook new, healthier foods, to find things that fit Dennis' diet restrictions and to find ones the kids will eat takes some thought. And I don't like to be made to feel guilty about what I serve my family. Sometimes just getting something on the table is all I can do. My goal is to cook as healthy as I can for what the budget and the day allows. I've been reviewing some material I already had and taking in small chunks of info from just a couple of blogs and websites. I'm also learning to decipher if I am feeling conviction to do better or just guilt. Conviction is from the Lord, guilt is from the enemy. I remind myself that we have come a long way in our eating habits and although there is room for improvement, I don't have to subscribe to anyone else's convictions about food. Frankly, there are some things I like and don't want to give up entirely. I think moderation is okay; but I will continue to branch out and try new things.
And there is always the desire (not an entitlement) to have time to do something for me. The life I've chosen is one of service to my family. I am willing to "die to myself" daily, but sometimes it would be nice to have a bit of time just for myself. Lots of blogs say it's important for moms to have this time; but making it happen isn't always a reality. It happens now and again and I love it; but I remind myself this is just my current season. Soon enough the kids will be more independent and I will have some extra time to pursue my own interests. And although my hubby and I have managed a couple of date nights since the year began, it's still not a regular thing for this season in our lives. We make the best of the time we have, and that will satisfy for now.
But even though things have felt a bit topsy turvy lately, really my life is good and I feel especially blessed. I never overlook the fact that my husband is a gift to me. Knowing he could have been taken home to heaven, I am grateful- for my and the kids sake- that the Lord saw fit to allow him to remain here with us. My kids are a great blessing to me; they bring me joy, keep life interesting, and draw me to the Lord as I seek Him for wisdom to teach and disciple them. We are so blessed to be close to our family in distance as well as in relationship. We have a wonderful church where we have made many loving and supportive friends. Dennis has a job he enjoys and that allows him to use his gifts. I am loving the fact that I can use my gifts to teach our children at home. God always provides for our needs and we have found great contentment in a simple life. God is good and I am loved. That is enough.
I've been immersed in Chris Tomlin's CD "And If Our God Is For Us". I think the song that I am most identifying with at this time is "All To Us". I love the reminder that Jesus is the cornerstone and sure foundation; that He is faithful. I am very much waiting on Him. I am challenged by the reminder to "let the saving love of Christ be the measure of (my life)." It speaks of my belief that Jesus is the only Son of God sent from Heaven and that He provided hope and mercy at the cross. He is everything to me. I believe that "when this passing world is over (I) will see (Him) face to face and (will forever worship Him).
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