On Raising Boys
A friend loaned me the book "Raising Real Men" by Hal and Melanie Young. It was a really good read; one I did quickly and then read again and took notes on. The premise of the book is how to teach and train boys to use their natural tendencies for God's purpose and glory in their lives.
The first chapter includes these words, "Yes, teenage boys can put away a startling amount of groceries. Young boys can be downright destructive. They tend to be noisy at any age. They seem utterly unconcerned with personal hygiene. The dog has a longer attention span for schoolwork. Worse, they seem to come forth at birth with a chip on their shoulder. They are combative, aggressive, arrogant. They seem obsessed with power - whether powerful machines, powerful weapons, or personal power they can exert over people and things. They love to build things but have a perverse delight in tearing them down, and if fire and explosion come into the mix, surely boy-nirvana is close at hand." (pp. 16-17)
So the question is how can parents prepare boys for a life of service to God? The Young's book is not a detailed "how to" book. They share how they have applied biblical principles to helping their boys (they have six) direct their natural bent toward a life that is pleasing to God.
The first part of this book discusses "the masculine characteristics or tendencies which are present in all of our sons. These are meant to ripen into the manly virtues of the adult male when they've been properly understood, disciplined, cultivated, and practiced." (p. 27)
The first chapter begins with the discussion that boys need someone to look up to; they need heroes. Their first hero should be their dad as he is their first example. As they grow, however, their ultimate hero should be Christ. In between these, the Youngs discuss helping our boys find heroes in the Scriptures, in good television programs and movies, in history and in good fictional books. Our boys "will have heroes. For their own sakes, make sure they're the right ones." (p. 45)
Second, boys have a desire for adventure. This chapter discusses how the protection of our boys should not result in "unmanning" our sons. "Boys need to have the freedom to take reasonable risks. . . A carefully considered risk, prayerfully undertaken, is not recklessness. . . When the desire for adventure follows God-honoring course, exciting things can happen." (p. 51) Ultimately, "our boys should be active and adventurous, but careful of themselves at the ultimate, understanding that life is a gift and their bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit. To risk life meaninglessly is foolishness; note that God's gifts of boldness and courage are not for self-fulfillment or entertainment but for greater service to Him." (p. 53)
Third, we need to teach our boys to stand independently. Responsibility must come before freedom. "A tiny bit of responsibility is given, and when that is handled faithfully, give more. If at any time the child can't handle it, then things are tightened up until they are prepared to try again." (pp. 63-64)
The fourth chapter discusses the use of weapons play. The conclusion was that in the Bible permission is found to allow sons to play with toy guns and weapons. "Taking a reasoned, careful approach to toy weapons as a teaching opportunity allows us to train our sons to respect the real thing. . . They will all have to fight evil. . . Just as we teach them the truth of God's word to better arm them for spiritual battle, we can help them understand the proper use of physical strength and appropriate weapons in the right causes." (p. 78)
The fifth topic had to do with our son's desire to be in charge. The discussion includes what the Bible says about leadership. While the world finds the biblical order of the home offensive - God, husband, wife - what they miss is that "being the head of the household, in God's eyes, means being willing to sacrifice yourself, to die, if necessary. . . It's not chauvinism, it's more of chivalry." (p. 83) Before boys can lead, they must learn to first obey. When they don't obey, they must be corrected. As we help our sons develop character, we should also help them to have opportunities to show leadership. Most importantly, we need to teach our sons that "the reality of leadership is just as Christ said - service." (p. 97)
The sixth chapter talked about how boys love to compete with one another to find their place in the "pecking order". The authors write that the biblical view of competition is "that competition, properly framed and understood, is a healthy and even biblical part of life." (p. 104) Competition can be a good motivator as well as a good teacher of character. Boys learn to play by the rules, to be good sports, to show love whether they win or lose, fortitude, endurance and teamwork. I especially liked the Youngs discussion on sports and how it can have a negative impact on the family. Stretching your family too thin by having too many activities can be detrimental to family life. While some boys will show particular talent, the statistics of students who will go on to play at college level are "less than half of one percent". "The purpose of high school athletics is not and never has been to prepare students to go on. . . This is meant to build better citizens. . . (and) provide a great learning laboratory to dedication and teamwork." (p. 112) While it is possible for our sons to receive a scholarship and play in college or maybe professionally, "isn't it more important that they were grounded in the Word of God and discipled by their fathers? That can't happen if they are so busy that they never really get to talk with their dads. Dads watching at practice is a good thing, but if that is all that happens between father and son, both of them have lost something valuable." (p. 112) It's not that we shouldn't allow our boys to play sports but it needs "to be kept in proportion for our families." (p. 113)
The last chapter in part one of the book dealt with boys needing to feel needed; to be able "to carry out the role they're intended to play." (p. 118) Parents need to give their sons things to do to help out the family. It will take time to teach and train our boys to help out with household chores, but the benefit to them and the family as a whole is its own reward. Even allowing boys to help out financially when needed or treating the family to something small can show "them that they can bless others with their labor and resources. Encouraging this attitude in our sons will pay off in character when they are on their own - or even before." (p. 122)
Part two of the book has to do with teaching "our sons the things they will need to interact in society, to lead their families, (and) to serve God." (p. 126) We do this by teaching them "the why" so they will then be "sold on the purpose". Once they grasp these two things then they "will amaze (us) in (their) abilities and manliness." (p. 127)
Chapter eight begins with the Scriptures Psalm 1 and Deuteronomy 6:4-7. The Youngs write that "it's a principle in our home that we try to bring Scripture to bear in any situation so that our children are saturated in a Biblical worldview. We discuss it with them, point it out to them, and make sure they know we're looking to God's word." (p. 129) Our children may be blessed to grow up in a Christian home where devotions and prayer occur regularly, attend a strong Bible-teaching church and maybe even be homeschooled with Christian curriculum, but none of this is what will save them. "Each of them has to come to terms with God's command to repent and believe for themselves. Only God can change their hearts,and for that mercy we pray and witness and admonish them." (p. 130) The add that "our goals are that our children would be without excuse and that we would be without regrets." (p. 130) The Youngs use Deuteronomy 6:4-7 as a guideline and go on to say that "the most important effort we can make for our boy's spiritual health is to live the Christian life day to day and hour to hour." (p. 131) Boys will see hypocrisy and desire to have leaders that "are worthy of leading". (p. 131) The Youngs point out that the second part of the Deuteronomy passage show us we are to teach our children about the Lord in everyday life. "Real discipling happens as our children watch us confront life on a daily basis making decisions based on the Word of God and explaining our reasoning to them." (p. 132) In addition to example, we also must teach our children the Bible. We do this through family devotions and Scripture memorization. Parents must also teach their children to pray. And we are to teach our children as various situations come up in daily life and take advantage of opportunities to have a conversation with our children about their walk with the Lord.
The ninth chapter dealt with stewardship. From the economic state of our country, it is evident that many people never learned how to manage money well. It is important that we teach our sons about the ins and outs of having a checking account as well as the importance of avoiding credit card debt. Another important task is to teach our sons how to tithe, track expenses to see where their money is going and to prepare for things like car repairs and taxes. The Youngs have encouraged their sons to enter the work world by finding jobs that fit their schedule and skills. They write that their sons "are realizing that it is up to them to earn the things they want that go beyond their needs and not only that, to prepare for the future. . . It's good for boys to be looking forward. . . They will one day provide for their families and it will be such a blessing to their wives and children if they are planning ahead financially." (p. 146) They recommend Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University even for their teens. I love what they write as a benefit of this training - "They can learn not to be greedy or self-indulgent. . . to be diligent and uncomplaining. . . they learn self-control. . . they learn prudence. . . they'll learn to be faithful in little things. . . they learn the importance of a good reputation." (pp. 147-148)
Chapter 10 had to do with education. We are often told boys develop more slowly than girls, but the Youngs point out that each child is unique and should be treated according to his abilities, whether they be advanced or developing at a slower pace. In general, boys do well at spatial reasoning and may struggle more with fine motor skills such as writing. Some boys may not be ready to read and write in the early grades and will do better having things read to them and asked questions orally. This is perfectly fine as it allows them to move on with learning. They will catch up when they are ready. They point out that the flexibility of homeschooling is a benefit to meeting the needs of a child with developmental delays. The Youngs also point out that there are gender differences in learning. In general, boys need you to be louder and more animated in your talking. They have a higher activity level and may need to move around more while working. Boys need to know the principles and reasons behind learning as well as practical applications. They also need short-term goals and may benefit from a list of things to do each day. Boys also seem to do better when timed or given a deadline for completing their work. Finally, while our goal is to train our boys to be independent learners, we do need to follow up with them in order to make sure they are understanding what they are learning.
The eleventh chapter discussed manners. Based on Scripture, we are called to be humble and considerate of others. As the Youngs write, "the world has rejected our Master, and will be inclined to reject us as well; let's be sure that it is only because we are like Him, not because we manage to cause offense by our inattention or insensitivity" (p. 173). Knowing proper social skills can be helpful in attaining a job. Employers need to know not only that a man can do a job, but that he can be congenial as well. It's important they learn to be courteous as guests in another's home by eating what they are served and even learning how to handle formal dining or selecting food from a buffet table. Boys also need to be taught to carry themselves with confidence and to use their strength to help those around them. Our young men also need to be taught that cleanliness is a virtue as well as how to dress appropriately for the situation in which they find themselves. Boys also need to be taught how to control their strength, energy and volume indoors in addition to taking turns in conversation.
Chapter 12 deals with chores. Do we go along with the traditional idea that men should do outside work and women should do inside work? There is both biblical and cultural examples of men doing such tasks as cooking, sewing and cleaning. The Youngs write that "we need to help our sons see that any service that advances the family's mission is worthwhile and needs to be valued" (p. 192). Indoor chores can be made more "boy-friendly" by using terms such as "jurisdictions or duties . . . to emphasize that they have responsibility and authority to contribute to the family through household chores" (p. 192). Our sons will need to "take care of themselves when they leave our homes, and they need to understand them as a crucial part of the family's mission now" (p. 194).
The 13th chapter is titled "Love and War" and deals with the topic of sexual temptation. "The bar of acceptable behavior continues to lower, and as we continue sinking in our post-Christian ethics, the amount of sexual temptation presented to our children is only going to increase. . . What (our children) need is help dealing with the temptation they carry within" (p. 198). We are all sinners, and sexual temptation is all around us. It is important to teach our sons how to resist the temptation when it presents itself, how to repent if they fall and to have a changed heart that gives them the will to do it. Teaching about sex needs to come from the home with a biblical perspective - "that God intends it to be used, both for celebrating the total union between husband and wife, and for the conception of children" (pp. 2033-204). The Youngs point out that "one of the most strenuous battles young men face is keeping their thought life pure" (p. 205). We need to equip our sons to manage their thought life and to keep their eyes away from sensual imagery as well as teaching them the difference between temptation and sin. We should also not be afraid to ask our sons periodically how they are doing with their thought life. It's important to monitor internet use as it is far too easy for boys to intentionally or unintentionally locate an inappropriate site. The Youngs have given their sons five ideas about how to flee immoral thoughts: 1) Leave the situation. 2) Pray. 3) Read your Bible. 4) Sing praises or hymns to God. 5) Go to your authority and ask for help. The authors also point out that it is important to prepare our sons for the task of future husband. They need to know that sexual immorality is sin as is lustful thinking. They've also taught their boys to apply the Golden Rule to relationships. "They shouldn't do anything toward (a) young lady that they wouldn't want to hear about their bride's past" (p. 209). We should teach our boys not to create a romantic "web" with a girl until they are in fact ready and able to marry.
Finally, chapter 14 deals with sending our sons out into the "real world". "Boys need as much responsibility and independence as they can handle faithfully, and it needs to grow as their maturity does. If we prepare them over several years, the transition to adulthood is going to be much smoother and less contentious for all of us than a quick kick out of the nest at age 18. To make this happen, though, we will need to transition our relationship with our sons as they become their own men" (p. 218). The Youngs discuss having a special ceremony around a son's 13th birthday similar to a Bar Mtzvah. They called it a Bar Chanon, "Son of Grace" ceremony. It is a time when family and extended friends are invited. Men of influence are invited to share "a brief message or charge" for the son to remember. A gift which symbolizes the message is also given. The remaining time before graduation is spent "strengthening the remaining things in their growth and training" (p. 220). Gradually our role as parent will lessen and we will take on the responsibility of counselor. "We don't aim to hold on to our arrows all the way to the target. . . Our job is to shape and prepare the arrows so when they are released, they fly straight and true on their own" (p. 222). We need to teach our sons to be future providers. We do this by teaching them the character traits needed to be good workers. We look for their interests and give them the opportunity of experiences to help them judge for themselves if it is something they wish to pursue. Once our sons have decided the direction they wish to head, we must help them research how to prepare for it. For some an apprenticeship may work just fine. For others the military might be an option. Still for some young men, college may be the best choice.
I certainly appreciated the Appendix as it dealt with having a son that "doesn't like dirt. . . (is) very fearful and sensitive. He's dramatic and artsy" (p. 239). The Youngs remind us that he is still "100% male (even though) his maleness may not show itself just the same way or he might be more hesitant to express it, but God made him a boy and he should be raised with that in mind. He should be encouraged to be happy God made him the way he is" (p. 239). As parents we need to "describe what they are doing in manly terms. . . to keep an eye out for manly virtues to praise in our sons" (p. 240). "Sometimes our sons need to be stretched" (p. 240). As mothers, we need to make sure we give permission for them to get dirty or to be tough or to act manly. "Our boys need to be comfortable in their own skins. . . Manliness is much more than brute force, it's a heart attitude of confidence and boldness to accomplish the mission given by God. all of our sons can have that; we can be the ones to give it to them" (p. 243).
I highly recommend this book to all parents raising sons.
The first chapter includes these words, "Yes, teenage boys can put away a startling amount of groceries. Young boys can be downright destructive. They tend to be noisy at any age. They seem utterly unconcerned with personal hygiene. The dog has a longer attention span for schoolwork. Worse, they seem to come forth at birth with a chip on their shoulder. They are combative, aggressive, arrogant. They seem obsessed with power - whether powerful machines, powerful weapons, or personal power they can exert over people and things. They love to build things but have a perverse delight in tearing them down, and if fire and explosion come into the mix, surely boy-nirvana is close at hand." (pp. 16-17)
So the question is how can parents prepare boys for a life of service to God? The Young's book is not a detailed "how to" book. They share how they have applied biblical principles to helping their boys (they have six) direct their natural bent toward a life that is pleasing to God.
The first part of this book discusses "the masculine characteristics or tendencies which are present in all of our sons. These are meant to ripen into the manly virtues of the adult male when they've been properly understood, disciplined, cultivated, and practiced." (p. 27)
The first chapter begins with the discussion that boys need someone to look up to; they need heroes. Their first hero should be their dad as he is their first example. As they grow, however, their ultimate hero should be Christ. In between these, the Youngs discuss helping our boys find heroes in the Scriptures, in good television programs and movies, in history and in good fictional books. Our boys "will have heroes. For their own sakes, make sure they're the right ones." (p. 45)
Second, boys have a desire for adventure. This chapter discusses how the protection of our boys should not result in "unmanning" our sons. "Boys need to have the freedom to take reasonable risks. . . A carefully considered risk, prayerfully undertaken, is not recklessness. . . When the desire for adventure follows God-honoring course, exciting things can happen." (p. 51) Ultimately, "our boys should be active and adventurous, but careful of themselves at the ultimate, understanding that life is a gift and their bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit. To risk life meaninglessly is foolishness; note that God's gifts of boldness and courage are not for self-fulfillment or entertainment but for greater service to Him." (p. 53)
Third, we need to teach our boys to stand independently. Responsibility must come before freedom. "A tiny bit of responsibility is given, and when that is handled faithfully, give more. If at any time the child can't handle it, then things are tightened up until they are prepared to try again." (pp. 63-64)
The fourth chapter discusses the use of weapons play. The conclusion was that in the Bible permission is found to allow sons to play with toy guns and weapons. "Taking a reasoned, careful approach to toy weapons as a teaching opportunity allows us to train our sons to respect the real thing. . . They will all have to fight evil. . . Just as we teach them the truth of God's word to better arm them for spiritual battle, we can help them understand the proper use of physical strength and appropriate weapons in the right causes." (p. 78)
The fifth topic had to do with our son's desire to be in charge. The discussion includes what the Bible says about leadership. While the world finds the biblical order of the home offensive - God, husband, wife - what they miss is that "being the head of the household, in God's eyes, means being willing to sacrifice yourself, to die, if necessary. . . It's not chauvinism, it's more of chivalry." (p. 83) Before boys can lead, they must learn to first obey. When they don't obey, they must be corrected. As we help our sons develop character, we should also help them to have opportunities to show leadership. Most importantly, we need to teach our sons that "the reality of leadership is just as Christ said - service." (p. 97)
The sixth chapter talked about how boys love to compete with one another to find their place in the "pecking order". The authors write that the biblical view of competition is "that competition, properly framed and understood, is a healthy and even biblical part of life." (p. 104) Competition can be a good motivator as well as a good teacher of character. Boys learn to play by the rules, to be good sports, to show love whether they win or lose, fortitude, endurance and teamwork. I especially liked the Youngs discussion on sports and how it can have a negative impact on the family. Stretching your family too thin by having too many activities can be detrimental to family life. While some boys will show particular talent, the statistics of students who will go on to play at college level are "less than half of one percent". "The purpose of high school athletics is not and never has been to prepare students to go on. . . This is meant to build better citizens. . . (and) provide a great learning laboratory to dedication and teamwork." (p. 112) While it is possible for our sons to receive a scholarship and play in college or maybe professionally, "isn't it more important that they were grounded in the Word of God and discipled by their fathers? That can't happen if they are so busy that they never really get to talk with their dads. Dads watching at practice is a good thing, but if that is all that happens between father and son, both of them have lost something valuable." (p. 112) It's not that we shouldn't allow our boys to play sports but it needs "to be kept in proportion for our families." (p. 113)
The last chapter in part one of the book dealt with boys needing to feel needed; to be able "to carry out the role they're intended to play." (p. 118) Parents need to give their sons things to do to help out the family. It will take time to teach and train our boys to help out with household chores, but the benefit to them and the family as a whole is its own reward. Even allowing boys to help out financially when needed or treating the family to something small can show "them that they can bless others with their labor and resources. Encouraging this attitude in our sons will pay off in character when they are on their own - or even before." (p. 122)
Part two of the book has to do with teaching "our sons the things they will need to interact in society, to lead their families, (and) to serve God." (p. 126) We do this by teaching them "the why" so they will then be "sold on the purpose". Once they grasp these two things then they "will amaze (us) in (their) abilities and manliness." (p. 127)
Chapter eight begins with the Scriptures Psalm 1 and Deuteronomy 6:4-7. The Youngs write that "it's a principle in our home that we try to bring Scripture to bear in any situation so that our children are saturated in a Biblical worldview. We discuss it with them, point it out to them, and make sure they know we're looking to God's word." (p. 129) Our children may be blessed to grow up in a Christian home where devotions and prayer occur regularly, attend a strong Bible-teaching church and maybe even be homeschooled with Christian curriculum, but none of this is what will save them. "Each of them has to come to terms with God's command to repent and believe for themselves. Only God can change their hearts,and for that mercy we pray and witness and admonish them." (p. 130) The add that "our goals are that our children would be without excuse and that we would be without regrets." (p. 130) The Youngs use Deuteronomy 6:4-7 as a guideline and go on to say that "the most important effort we can make for our boy's spiritual health is to live the Christian life day to day and hour to hour." (p. 131) Boys will see hypocrisy and desire to have leaders that "are worthy of leading". (p. 131) The Youngs point out that the second part of the Deuteronomy passage show us we are to teach our children about the Lord in everyday life. "Real discipling happens as our children watch us confront life on a daily basis making decisions based on the Word of God and explaining our reasoning to them." (p. 132) In addition to example, we also must teach our children the Bible. We do this through family devotions and Scripture memorization. Parents must also teach their children to pray. And we are to teach our children as various situations come up in daily life and take advantage of opportunities to have a conversation with our children about their walk with the Lord.
The ninth chapter dealt with stewardship. From the economic state of our country, it is evident that many people never learned how to manage money well. It is important that we teach our sons about the ins and outs of having a checking account as well as the importance of avoiding credit card debt. Another important task is to teach our sons how to tithe, track expenses to see where their money is going and to prepare for things like car repairs and taxes. The Youngs have encouraged their sons to enter the work world by finding jobs that fit their schedule and skills. They write that their sons "are realizing that it is up to them to earn the things they want that go beyond their needs and not only that, to prepare for the future. . . It's good for boys to be looking forward. . . They will one day provide for their families and it will be such a blessing to their wives and children if they are planning ahead financially." (p. 146) They recommend Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University even for their teens. I love what they write as a benefit of this training - "They can learn not to be greedy or self-indulgent. . . to be diligent and uncomplaining. . . they learn self-control. . . they learn prudence. . . they'll learn to be faithful in little things. . . they learn the importance of a good reputation." (pp. 147-148)
Chapter 10 had to do with education. We are often told boys develop more slowly than girls, but the Youngs point out that each child is unique and should be treated according to his abilities, whether they be advanced or developing at a slower pace. In general, boys do well at spatial reasoning and may struggle more with fine motor skills such as writing. Some boys may not be ready to read and write in the early grades and will do better having things read to them and asked questions orally. This is perfectly fine as it allows them to move on with learning. They will catch up when they are ready. They point out that the flexibility of homeschooling is a benefit to meeting the needs of a child with developmental delays. The Youngs also point out that there are gender differences in learning. In general, boys need you to be louder and more animated in your talking. They have a higher activity level and may need to move around more while working. Boys need to know the principles and reasons behind learning as well as practical applications. They also need short-term goals and may benefit from a list of things to do each day. Boys also seem to do better when timed or given a deadline for completing their work. Finally, while our goal is to train our boys to be independent learners, we do need to follow up with them in order to make sure they are understanding what they are learning.
The eleventh chapter discussed manners. Based on Scripture, we are called to be humble and considerate of others. As the Youngs write, "the world has rejected our Master, and will be inclined to reject us as well; let's be sure that it is only because we are like Him, not because we manage to cause offense by our inattention or insensitivity" (p. 173). Knowing proper social skills can be helpful in attaining a job. Employers need to know not only that a man can do a job, but that he can be congenial as well. It's important they learn to be courteous as guests in another's home by eating what they are served and even learning how to handle formal dining or selecting food from a buffet table. Boys also need to be taught to carry themselves with confidence and to use their strength to help those around them. Our young men also need to be taught that cleanliness is a virtue as well as how to dress appropriately for the situation in which they find themselves. Boys also need to be taught how to control their strength, energy and volume indoors in addition to taking turns in conversation.
Chapter 12 deals with chores. Do we go along with the traditional idea that men should do outside work and women should do inside work? There is both biblical and cultural examples of men doing such tasks as cooking, sewing and cleaning. The Youngs write that "we need to help our sons see that any service that advances the family's mission is worthwhile and needs to be valued" (p. 192). Indoor chores can be made more "boy-friendly" by using terms such as "jurisdictions or duties . . . to emphasize that they have responsibility and authority to contribute to the family through household chores" (p. 192). Our sons will need to "take care of themselves when they leave our homes, and they need to understand them as a crucial part of the family's mission now" (p. 194).
The 13th chapter is titled "Love and War" and deals with the topic of sexual temptation. "The bar of acceptable behavior continues to lower, and as we continue sinking in our post-Christian ethics, the amount of sexual temptation presented to our children is only going to increase. . . What (our children) need is help dealing with the temptation they carry within" (p. 198). We are all sinners, and sexual temptation is all around us. It is important to teach our sons how to resist the temptation when it presents itself, how to repent if they fall and to have a changed heart that gives them the will to do it. Teaching about sex needs to come from the home with a biblical perspective - "that God intends it to be used, both for celebrating the total union between husband and wife, and for the conception of children" (pp. 2033-204). The Youngs point out that "one of the most strenuous battles young men face is keeping their thought life pure" (p. 205). We need to equip our sons to manage their thought life and to keep their eyes away from sensual imagery as well as teaching them the difference between temptation and sin. We should also not be afraid to ask our sons periodically how they are doing with their thought life. It's important to monitor internet use as it is far too easy for boys to intentionally or unintentionally locate an inappropriate site. The Youngs have given their sons five ideas about how to flee immoral thoughts: 1) Leave the situation. 2) Pray. 3) Read your Bible. 4) Sing praises or hymns to God. 5) Go to your authority and ask for help. The authors also point out that it is important to prepare our sons for the task of future husband. They need to know that sexual immorality is sin as is lustful thinking. They've also taught their boys to apply the Golden Rule to relationships. "They shouldn't do anything toward (a) young lady that they wouldn't want to hear about their bride's past" (p. 209). We should teach our boys not to create a romantic "web" with a girl until they are in fact ready and able to marry.
Finally, chapter 14 deals with sending our sons out into the "real world". "Boys need as much responsibility and independence as they can handle faithfully, and it needs to grow as their maturity does. If we prepare them over several years, the transition to adulthood is going to be much smoother and less contentious for all of us than a quick kick out of the nest at age 18. To make this happen, though, we will need to transition our relationship with our sons as they become their own men" (p. 218). The Youngs discuss having a special ceremony around a son's 13th birthday similar to a Bar Mtzvah. They called it a Bar Chanon, "Son of Grace" ceremony. It is a time when family and extended friends are invited. Men of influence are invited to share "a brief message or charge" for the son to remember. A gift which symbolizes the message is also given. The remaining time before graduation is spent "strengthening the remaining things in their growth and training" (p. 220). Gradually our role as parent will lessen and we will take on the responsibility of counselor. "We don't aim to hold on to our arrows all the way to the target. . . Our job is to shape and prepare the arrows so when they are released, they fly straight and true on their own" (p. 222). We need to teach our sons to be future providers. We do this by teaching them the character traits needed to be good workers. We look for their interests and give them the opportunity of experiences to help them judge for themselves if it is something they wish to pursue. Once our sons have decided the direction they wish to head, we must help them research how to prepare for it. For some an apprenticeship may work just fine. For others the military might be an option. Still for some young men, college may be the best choice.
I certainly appreciated the Appendix as it dealt with having a son that "doesn't like dirt. . . (is) very fearful and sensitive. He's dramatic and artsy" (p. 239). The Youngs remind us that he is still "100% male (even though) his maleness may not show itself just the same way or he might be more hesitant to express it, but God made him a boy and he should be raised with that in mind. He should be encouraged to be happy God made him the way he is" (p. 239). As parents we need to "describe what they are doing in manly terms. . . to keep an eye out for manly virtues to praise in our sons" (p. 240). "Sometimes our sons need to be stretched" (p. 240). As mothers, we need to make sure we give permission for them to get dirty or to be tough or to act manly. "Our boys need to be comfortable in their own skins. . . Manliness is much more than brute force, it's a heart attitude of confidence and boldness to accomplish the mission given by God. all of our sons can have that; we can be the ones to give it to them" (p. 243).
I highly recommend this book to all parents raising sons.
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