Renewed Hope
This by far was the toughest time of our cancer journey for me. Dennis was feeling really bad from the side effects of treatment and his cold. I was so weary and feeling guilty for feeling weary because I wasn't the one who was sick. Thankfully, I was reminded that the Lord is my strength. As we have continued to rely on Him, we find that our fear, anxiety, discouragement and sorrow has turned to courage, peace, confidence and joy. God's reversals are amazing. . .
December 3, 2010
As I read through my last update on Wednesday, I felt like it was a bit forced. By mid week I was feeling very weary. The encouragement I had felt on Friday when working on my study and the enthusiasm for being half way through treatment began to wane. I was tired and overwhelmed. There never seems to be enough hours in the day to accomplish all that needs to be done. I was feeling like I was unable to give my best to anyone or anything. My house is not very clean. There was three weeks of ironing to be done. Josh and I are doing very basic school days; there is no time to plan and prepare to be more creative. I am not able to participate in activities at Ellie’s school and she is getting a tired mom at the end of the day who is impatient. I cannot wait for the kids to go to bed each night so I can just sit for a while. Morning comes way too soon.
Add to the weariness the difficulty in seeing your husband sick. Dennis has always been hearty, hardly ever missing work due to illness. How my heart aches for him as he is struggling with a cold he can’t get rid of, a sore mouth due to canker sores, and a fatigue that makes it hard for him to get out of bed in the morning. He so wants to participate in family life and do his normal thing; but he’s just not up to it. Up to this point, he has not seemed sick. This new phase is hard.
While we were heading into the end of the 4th week, my fleshly “glass is half empty” mentality was telling me we still had to ENDURE 2 ½ more weeks. So I went to bed Wednesday night discouraged and empty, lifting up a prayer without words because I was too despondent to come up with any.
But God is so faithful. Thursday morning dawned and with it a Scripture was planted in my head. “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” (Galatians 6:9) I repeated this to myself all day. I just focused on one thing at a time. I got things done. I began to rest in the promise. My perspective began to change and I realized it was ALREADY Thursday! That meant ONE more day and week 4 would be OVER. That meant we ONLY had two more weeks. And we were told by Christmas (ONLY 3 weeks away) Dennis would be feeling better. What a gift! Add to this the surprise provision that came in the mail, and my outlook was much improved.
Colossians 3:2 tells us to “set (our) minds on things above, not on earthly things.” When we focus on the troubles of the world, we will find ourselves discouraged, discontent, anxious and miserable. But, when we choose to focus on the Lord, His work in our lives and “in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present (our) requests to God; (then) the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard (our) hearts and (our) minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:7) To live a life of worship is a choice. How I desire to make the right one.
I felt a bit like Peter, who with the other disciples, was out in a boat in the midst of a strong wind. Jesus came to them on the water. Peter asked Jesus to call him out of the boat. As long as Peter kept his focus on Jesus, he was able to stay above the water. But when Peter took his eyes off of Jesus and looked at the waves around him, he began to sink. When Peter called to the Lord to save him, Jesus took his hand and asked him why he doubted. Peter allowed his focus to move from the Lord to his circumstances. So it is with us; when we choose to take our eyes off of the Lord and instead focus on our troubles, we falter. Thankfully, Jesus is faithfully there, waiting for us to admit our need and once again offer his hand to help us.
As I reflected again on my study from Friday, I began to experience joy in the fact that God was doing a work in us through this circumstance. Just like we desire to help our children mature and grow out of selfish behavior, so our heavenly Father desires to see us grow in our faith. Even though it’s being done through this trial, it’s not lost on me that it’s a sign that God cares for us. We willingly accept God’s will for our lives and trust Him to “meet all (our) needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:19)
Please continue to pray for Dennis: to overcome his cold (cough, nasal congestion, sore throat); for his canker sore pain to diminish and for them to heal quickly; for the energy to get to and from treatment each day, especially Monday; for continued timely appointments on Monday and Friday; and for the enemy to be restrained from discouraging him in the remaining weeks.
With renewed hope,
Carolyn
December 3, 2010
As I read through my last update on Wednesday, I felt like it was a bit forced. By mid week I was feeling very weary. The encouragement I had felt on Friday when working on my study and the enthusiasm for being half way through treatment began to wane. I was tired and overwhelmed. There never seems to be enough hours in the day to accomplish all that needs to be done. I was feeling like I was unable to give my best to anyone or anything. My house is not very clean. There was three weeks of ironing to be done. Josh and I are doing very basic school days; there is no time to plan and prepare to be more creative. I am not able to participate in activities at Ellie’s school and she is getting a tired mom at the end of the day who is impatient. I cannot wait for the kids to go to bed each night so I can just sit for a while. Morning comes way too soon.
Add to the weariness the difficulty in seeing your husband sick. Dennis has always been hearty, hardly ever missing work due to illness. How my heart aches for him as he is struggling with a cold he can’t get rid of, a sore mouth due to canker sores, and a fatigue that makes it hard for him to get out of bed in the morning. He so wants to participate in family life and do his normal thing; but he’s just not up to it. Up to this point, he has not seemed sick. This new phase is hard.
While we were heading into the end of the 4th week, my fleshly “glass is half empty” mentality was telling me we still had to ENDURE 2 ½ more weeks. So I went to bed Wednesday night discouraged and empty, lifting up a prayer without words because I was too despondent to come up with any.
But God is so faithful. Thursday morning dawned and with it a Scripture was planted in my head. “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” (Galatians 6:9) I repeated this to myself all day. I just focused on one thing at a time. I got things done. I began to rest in the promise. My perspective began to change and I realized it was ALREADY Thursday! That meant ONE more day and week 4 would be OVER. That meant we ONLY had two more weeks. And we were told by Christmas (ONLY 3 weeks away) Dennis would be feeling better. What a gift! Add to this the surprise provision that came in the mail, and my outlook was much improved.
Colossians 3:2 tells us to “set (our) minds on things above, not on earthly things.” When we focus on the troubles of the world, we will find ourselves discouraged, discontent, anxious and miserable. But, when we choose to focus on the Lord, His work in our lives and “in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present (our) requests to God; (then) the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard (our) hearts and (our) minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:7) To live a life of worship is a choice. How I desire to make the right one.
I felt a bit like Peter, who with the other disciples, was out in a boat in the midst of a strong wind. Jesus came to them on the water. Peter asked Jesus to call him out of the boat. As long as Peter kept his focus on Jesus, he was able to stay above the water. But when Peter took his eyes off of Jesus and looked at the waves around him, he began to sink. When Peter called to the Lord to save him, Jesus took his hand and asked him why he doubted. Peter allowed his focus to move from the Lord to his circumstances. So it is with us; when we choose to take our eyes off of the Lord and instead focus on our troubles, we falter. Thankfully, Jesus is faithfully there, waiting for us to admit our need and once again offer his hand to help us.
As I reflected again on my study from Friday, I began to experience joy in the fact that God was doing a work in us through this circumstance. Just like we desire to help our children mature and grow out of selfish behavior, so our heavenly Father desires to see us grow in our faith. Even though it’s being done through this trial, it’s not lost on me that it’s a sign that God cares for us. We willingly accept God’s will for our lives and trust Him to “meet all (our) needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:19)
Please continue to pray for Dennis: to overcome his cold (cough, nasal congestion, sore throat); for his canker sore pain to diminish and for them to heal quickly; for the energy to get to and from treatment each day, especially Monday; for continued timely appointments on Monday and Friday; and for the enemy to be restrained from discouraging him in the remaining weeks.
With renewed hope,
Carolyn
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