Life at 45

"The great thing about getting older is that you don't lose all the other ages you've been." 

-Madeleine L'Engle

I have to admit that 45 has been challenging for me. There have been financial strains, a car accident, busy schedules, disappointments of all kinds, family health problems, and weariness on my part. I still try to look for the good in all circumstances and count my blessings; but I still find myself giving in to anxiety at times which robs me of my joy.

Here are some of things I've been thinking about since turning 45 (in no particular order):

Parenting is hard. Add in homeschooling and that difficulty increases. Teaching, training, discipling, and leading by example daily is tough. I struggle with wanting my kids to be all they are supposed to be RIGHT NOW! Shouldn't they be mature servants of Christ already? Shouldn't I be? There are so many "ouch" moments in my life as a mom. So often I cringe as I see my girl acting just like me - and not in a good way. I feel it deep within my soul when one child is unkind to the other. Siblings are supposed to be best friends right? Parenting is humbling; I often have to admit my sin and apologize to my kids. It brings some of the deepest sorrows; I see my children acting selfishly or disrespectfully. But parenting also brings the greatest joys. We learn, laugh, share inside jokes, play games, experience places new and old, eat pizza, watch movies, bake cookies, eat chocolate cake, talk, dream, pray, and grow in our faith together all while learning to love one another better through it all. It may be the hardest job in the world; but it's also one of the best. 

I really like Chris Tomlin's song "Sovereign". I was drawn to it the first time I heard it. Learning about God's Sovereignty has been a lifetime lesson. There are definitely circumstances that have occurred because of choices I have made; but there are many things I've faced that have simply been allowed into my life by God. Even though it is hard to understand at times why we must go through difficulties, I've come to learn that everything is used by God for a purpose. And whatever has come my way - good or bad - I've seen God work it out for my good in a way that was clearly His doing. My life verse is Romans 8:28 and this song is absolutely from that verse. I appreciate the reminder that God is with me in the calm, in the storm, in my greatest joys, in my greatest cry, in the dark, in the dawn. In His everlasting arms all the pieces of my life from beginning to end I can trust to Him. In his never failing love He works everything for good. And whatever comes my way I will trust Him. I can safely place all my hopes, all my needs, all my life, all my fears, and all my dreams in His hands.  

During this past year I did quite a bit of grumbling about how I didn't have time to do everything I needed or wanted to do. Besides the regular duties such as homeschooling, taking care of the house, and cooking, there were also things that we chose to be a part of like sports, homeschool activities, and ministry at church. And there were things I wanted to do like blog, read a book, or watch one of my English mysteries. I was reminded convicted that this was not the proper attitude. We are to do everything without grumbling (Philippians 2:14). I found there were two steps to overcoming this grumbling. First, I needed to focus on gratitude: I get to homeschool; I have a home to care for; we have many food options; and there are many ways to serve my family, at church and in the community for God's glory. The second part was to be a better steward of the hours of my day. As a Christian, I believe that God expects me to be a good steward of everything He has given me; and this includes my time. To be a good steward takes realistic planning (don't plan too much for one day), setting boundaries (saying no to some things), flexibility (unexpected things do happen), and self-discipline (I need to pray for this one; sometimes watching a TV show is much more appealing than scrubbing a toilet!) It doesn't honor the Lord to complain about the tasks He's given me to do or the ones He's made available to me that I've said "yes" to. Nor is it honoring to Him to use my time poorly. May all I do be done in His name and with gratitude (Colossians 3:17).

Even before my new Bible study began this fall, it's been on my heart and mind how our lives are to be changed by our relationship with Christ. As we studied Galatians 1, we looked at how the power of the Gospel can save us, transform us and provide stability. As saved people, I think our life should reflect gratitude. To me this means obedience to God's Word, not grumbling or complaining about my circumstances, letting go of guilt over past sins and forgiving others. The Gospel also has the power to transform us. Paul was immediately transformed from a persecutor to a preacher. Oh how I wish I could also say I was instantaneously changed to a perfect follower of Christ. My worldview has definitely changed and I am more sensitive to the leading and conviction of the Holy Spirit; but perfection is not attainable this side of heaven because I am still a flawed human being. This makes me all the more thankful for Christ's sacrifice on the cross. His blood has been credited to my account and my sins are no longer counted against me. Truly, I am overwhelmed by God's mercy and grace.

I find that I tend to emphasize doing and working. It is not because I am trying to earn my salvation. I fully believe that I was saved by grace through faith in Christ. My sins are forgiven and I am a daughter of the King. But it is because of this gracious gift, that I feel led to live in a way pleasing to the Lord. The two greatest commands are to love God and to love others. We love God by obeying His commands and serving for His glory. We love others by serving them which sometimes means meeting their needs above our own. I do find joy in serving. The Lord has helped me to find ways to serve that allow me to use the gifts He's given me and that fit in with our family's priorities. He has also taught me how to be wise and to say "no" to opportunities that did not work with our family's goals. And although my love language is "words of affirmation", I do my best to follow Colossians 3:23 to work to please the Lord and not for human accolades. (Although I do appreciate a thank you from my family now and again!)

I was encouraged in my study of Galatians 6 to "not become weary in doing good" because at the right time "we will reap a harvest if we do not give up" (v. 9). I do get weary at times for a variety of reasons. Verses like this one are needed encouragement to press on. John Calvin's motto was "Cor meum tibi offero, Domine, prompte et sincere" which means "My heart I offer to you, O Lord, promptly and sincerely." I hope I can always claim that as my own as well.

At this point I am well over halfway through my 45th year. I continue to desire to grow in the grace and knowledge of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I hope He is pleased with my progress. I have no idea what lies ahead, but I know that whatever comes my way I can trust God to walk with me. To God be the glory in all things.