"He's Still in Charge"
April 22, 2011
“Surprises are a part of God’s plan. They remind us He’s still in charge.”
I read this quote the other day from Charles Swindoll. I’m beginning to dislike surprises. I’m an organizer. I like to plan, make lists, and do things in a logical, methodical way. While this skill might look good on a job application and work well for someone who was a teacher or who serves in various ministries or is now a stay-at-home mom, in the journey of life it can be a hindrance. I admit, I don’t always like being flexible. I like to be in control of my environment.
Dennis’ cancer diagnosis has taken me far from my comfort zone. There have been so many things that have been far from my ability to control. And with each event, I have been reminded that God is indeed in control. It’s forced me to lay down my burdens at His feet, to trust Him to provide, to hope fully in Him. So when I read in 1 Peter 1:6,7:
“In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.”
I “get” that trials are worthwhile. I’m in the midst of them and I understand that they are stretching me, deepening my faith, teaching me things. . .
But today, I am struggling with them and I have to admit I am angry. Not necessarily angry at God, just angry. The other day I shared a quote from Charles Swindoll on Facebook:
"Life and pain are synonymous. You cannot have one without the other. Pain is a fact of life in this fallen world, and we cannot escape it. In fact, the goal in life is not to get away from the pain of it, but to endure through it, in fact, to triumph over it, while learning the lessons only pain can teach us someone put it. 'Pain is inevitable. Misery is optional.' Since we cannot get free of pain, the secret of successful living is finding ways to live above the level of misery. Indeed, we must."
Today Dennis experienced a level of pain I have never seen in him. For several reasons, the skin around his ostomy bag became severely inflamed. The kids and I came home from Good Friday service to find Dennis upstairs with the home health care nurse in agony. We decided to take him to UCI to get some help. We made it to triage in the ER before we got a call from our surgeon’s nurse to come over to the clinic to see an ostomy nurse. She was able to soothe the area with some various medicated powders and ointments. She also gave him a different type of bag which she felt would seal better around his stoma. We were given some other advice that might make things go a bit better as well. But she did say that it could be up to two weeks before the skin is fully healed.
The very thing we had prayed for not to happen did - Dennis ended up with an ostomy. He has been bothered dealing with it from an aesthetic point of view. This week especially he seemed very depressed - “out of sorts” he described it. Then he developed this painful skin irritation. Pain itself and learning to endure and overcome it may teach us things. But I don’t want to see my husband go through any more pain; especially not at this level.
I do believe that God has been and is at work in Dennis‘ life. I have to believe that God put it on the surgeon’s mind to do the ostomy because in the end it was for Dennis’ good. But right now in the midst of this, after seeing him suffer so today, I am angry about it. I don’t want him to have to endure any more.
I read a quote from Beth Moore recently that said, “If you dare to believe and don’t get your miracle, God has a greater one planned, stay tuned.” So I stop and consider. . . We didn’t get our “miracle” of no ostomy, and it’s been hard for Dennis; but we did get our “miracle” of a no cancer report. And that is the ultimate goal in all of this - for Dennis to be cancer free.
This has been a difficult week. I believe the enemy is at work here. He is taking advantage of our weakened state to try to gain a victory in our home. And although it’s been hard, I’ve not given up the good fight.
The anger is still here, but has subsided a bit. I still trust God. I still hope in Him. I will continue to pray without ceasing for my husband. I will spend time daily in God’s Word. I will keep my eye on the hope of the future. I will continue to count down the days and weeks and look at what has been accomplished instead of what is to come. I will serve my husband and encourage him to the best of my ability. It’s all I know how to do.
“Simply to the cross I cling. Letting go of all earthly things. I’m clinging to the cross.”
We sang this song at church the Sunday after Dennis’ diagnosis. I remember thinking that I had to release Dennis to the Lord; to trust Him with Dennis’ life. I do it again, trusting that He has something greater planned than we can see at this time.
Please keep Dennis in your prayers - for healing, comfort from pain, and rest.
Clinging,
Carolyn
“Surprises are a part of God’s plan. They remind us He’s still in charge.”
I read this quote the other day from Charles Swindoll. I’m beginning to dislike surprises. I’m an organizer. I like to plan, make lists, and do things in a logical, methodical way. While this skill might look good on a job application and work well for someone who was a teacher or who serves in various ministries or is now a stay-at-home mom, in the journey of life it can be a hindrance. I admit, I don’t always like being flexible. I like to be in control of my environment.
Dennis’ cancer diagnosis has taken me far from my comfort zone. There have been so many things that have been far from my ability to control. And with each event, I have been reminded that God is indeed in control. It’s forced me to lay down my burdens at His feet, to trust Him to provide, to hope fully in Him. So when I read in 1 Peter 1:6,7:
“In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.”
I “get” that trials are worthwhile. I’m in the midst of them and I understand that they are stretching me, deepening my faith, teaching me things. . .
But today, I am struggling with them and I have to admit I am angry. Not necessarily angry at God, just angry. The other day I shared a quote from Charles Swindoll on Facebook:
"Life and pain are synonymous. You cannot have one without the other. Pain is a fact of life in this fallen world, and we cannot escape it. In fact, the goal in life is not to get away from the pain of it, but to endure through it, in fact, to triumph over it, while learning the lessons only pain can teach us someone put it. 'Pain is inevitable. Misery is optional.' Since we cannot get free of pain, the secret of successful living is finding ways to live above the level of misery. Indeed, we must."
Today Dennis experienced a level of pain I have never seen in him. For several reasons, the skin around his ostomy bag became severely inflamed. The kids and I came home from Good Friday service to find Dennis upstairs with the home health care nurse in agony. We decided to take him to UCI to get some help. We made it to triage in the ER before we got a call from our surgeon’s nurse to come over to the clinic to see an ostomy nurse. She was able to soothe the area with some various medicated powders and ointments. She also gave him a different type of bag which she felt would seal better around his stoma. We were given some other advice that might make things go a bit better as well. But she did say that it could be up to two weeks before the skin is fully healed.
The very thing we had prayed for not to happen did - Dennis ended up with an ostomy. He has been bothered dealing with it from an aesthetic point of view. This week especially he seemed very depressed - “out of sorts” he described it. Then he developed this painful skin irritation. Pain itself and learning to endure and overcome it may teach us things. But I don’t want to see my husband go through any more pain; especially not at this level.
I do believe that God has been and is at work in Dennis‘ life. I have to believe that God put it on the surgeon’s mind to do the ostomy because in the end it was for Dennis’ good. But right now in the midst of this, after seeing him suffer so today, I am angry about it. I don’t want him to have to endure any more.
I read a quote from Beth Moore recently that said, “If you dare to believe and don’t get your miracle, God has a greater one planned, stay tuned.” So I stop and consider. . . We didn’t get our “miracle” of no ostomy, and it’s been hard for Dennis; but we did get our “miracle” of a no cancer report. And that is the ultimate goal in all of this - for Dennis to be cancer free.
This has been a difficult week. I believe the enemy is at work here. He is taking advantage of our weakened state to try to gain a victory in our home. And although it’s been hard, I’ve not given up the good fight.
The anger is still here, but has subsided a bit. I still trust God. I still hope in Him. I will continue to pray without ceasing for my husband. I will spend time daily in God’s Word. I will keep my eye on the hope of the future. I will continue to count down the days and weeks and look at what has been accomplished instead of what is to come. I will serve my husband and encourage him to the best of my ability. It’s all I know how to do.
“Simply to the cross I cling. Letting go of all earthly things. I’m clinging to the cross.”
We sang this song at church the Sunday after Dennis’ diagnosis. I remember thinking that I had to release Dennis to the Lord; to trust Him with Dennis’ life. I do it again, trusting that He has something greater planned than we can see at this time.
Please keep Dennis in your prayers - for healing, comfort from pain, and rest.
Clinging,
Carolyn
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